mndy's world

2008-10-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

suddenly. suddenly.

so many things happening suddenly. so many people 'happening' suddenly.

i am really quite messed up now. i know i have to get my life back on track before i drift too far.

I went to sch only at 2 plus today!

I got 3 marks for my test.
Lowest in the cohort.

Seriously, are you kidding me???

I cannot afford to fail this thing.

I miss you so much.
I appreciate how comfortable I truly felt with you.
I wonder how you are doing.
But you didn't reply my sms so I think you probably don't want me bugging you which I respect too, of course.
You must be busy now! Living your happening life!

I'm sad :'(

I have no strength to do anything.
I'm scared of failing.
But I feel so lethargic, I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Or work, and work, and work. School is just not my priority now. I have no mood for it.

But I know what I must do.
It's time I really renounced everything.
EVERYTHING.

I pray I can do it.

2008-10-20T21:30:00.000+08:00

I am treading on thin line. I am scared.

I am dying from second hand smoke. I swear it will kill me soon. The entire crew of 15 people smoke except me and another person.
It's a horrible place really.

I was very amazed with the things she was saying.

Things like she wants to have 4 or 5 children.
Especially when she said she want to adopt kids.
I was just way too impressed.

Things like she's bisexual but has never gone into a relationship with another girl because of her religion.
Things like she's a very loyal person, she likes guys who are quiet and simple. She's a long term relationship type of person.

I was supposed to comfort her cuz she just ended her 4-year relationship with her bf and they've been through NS together, Uni together.. all the tough transitions.. and it just ended like that.

But in the end, ended up she was the one to comfort me.

She also said that she has a very 'male' personality. She hates weakness, she hates to show her weakness, she hates herself when she is weak, she despises herself.

Sounds familiar??

I was just so taken with the words she was saying.

She's completely like "my other half".

And she lives so near to me.

But she chain smokes like crazy.

But she takes very good care of me.

It sounds stupid but I've only known her for a few days. Maybe not even A FEW. But we're so close.

She's totally like my best friend kind of thing now.

But I'm very scared of hanging out too much with her.

I will die of her second hand smoke before long. Seriously.

I breathed in too much second hand smoke today. I'm quite sick of the smell, it makes me choke and feel like vomitting now. Last time I only disliked the smell, now it really makes me choke. Cuz I really smelled too much of it today.

Today I learned much.

Being the youngest of a big group of people in their 20s, 30s, 40s... i learn much, i learn much.

I learned about the things I don't want to learn, things I should never know about.

I feel choked, I feel heavy hearted. Because I am too disgusted with the industry secrets. Too disgusted. Too disgusted.

I dont think I can survive here seriously.

Too disgusting. Too disgusting.

after all the things I heard today, it's all too disgusting for me. Too DISGUSTING. Too Disgusting.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm completely.. traumatized.

It's so difficult to survive here. Too disgusting, too traumatizing.

But people like her make a huge difference. She protects me.

It's a sick industry. A very very very sick one.

But then, I enjoy it. I enjoy every minute of it.
Why?
Because it immunes me to things. I feel disgusted, I feel traumatized, but after that, it immunes me to my sorrow.

And I feel so tired when I come home.
At least I won't get so sad.

Yes I am running from things.

I'm running from my sorrow over you.
I'm running from my uselessness.
I'm running from the people who disappoint me.
I'm running from myself.
But the way things are... maybe it's the only way to go.

I'm just scared. I'm just scared.
Because I'm treading on thin line. I'm afraid of all these adults. And it's good that I'm afraid. If not, I won't even survive here.

I hope you're feeling better by now.
Hopefully you are. Maybe you are already enjoying yourself and rightly so, rightly so.
I know your favourite activities.. sometimes you just want to stay home to play PSP, play Dota late into the night, go swimming with your brothers, go supper with your friends.... it sounds very fun. But how I wish you had put me in this fun world together with you. The thing is, you always pushed me away.

It's like what the character said. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have fun. We're all young it's natural to want to go out and play. But the thing is, if you want to play, let's all play together! Of course I know sometimes guys want to have a guys night out, i dont mean you have to bring me along 24 hours. But I just wish you put in more effort to integrate me into your world instead of pushing me away and just saying that we're different, we're different, we're different, it's impossible etc.

It's like my friend.. her bf likes to play games but tends to totally ignore her. Then, they thought of a solution. So he taught her to play the game and now, they play happily together.

It's possible.
It's how much you want it to happen.

I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad. I am very sad.

Whatever it is, I hope you're happy. That's the most important.

I dont know how long I'll keep running away from things til I finally get tired, can't take it anymore and sit down and allow myself to feel sad.

But for now, let me keep running.. I'm just afraid that I'll end up venturing into a land I shouldn't venture into... and by then, there just might be no return. I hope that won't happen.

But then again, I learned that in life, you can never be too sure.

When you have no more friends, I guess it makes you treasure the people around you who "appear to care" even though you know they are dangerous people. For now, they are my only friends. They give me that sense of.. temporary happiness. But I am well aware it's all fake and temporary. But well I guess, it's better than nothing..

2008-10-19T20:13:00.002+08:00

I ended up at WestMall again!
It's one of the places we used to frequent. We'd go for sushi buffet or maybe watch a movie.

Been walking pass the park beside my house these days.
And I walk pass the "crop circle" area. That was where he finally had the courage to ask for my number more than 2 years ago.

It still makes me smile, how silly and adorable he was.
But it makes me cry too.

Time flies doesn't it?
It's been 2 years just like that.

How i miss those days.

When I would go fetch him on Friday nights, and we'd go have a simple dinner somewhere. Sometimes, it was West Coast Mac. Sometimes it was coffeeshop and we'd order Carrot cake or something.

I remember how he learned to eat spicy food because of me. How he learned tennis because of me.

But everything is gone.

Today, my new friend Zoe jie told me she and her bf of 4 years broke up. She's really upset because they've been together since they were 20. Which means they went through the NS period together, Uni period together.. all the difficult transitions. And it just ended like that.

I got busy comforting her. Really hope she's fine. If I can feel this sad, she must feel much worse.

I know it's not healthy. I've been piling so much work on myself Im just going crazy.

It's a Sunday today and I just worked from 830am to 630pm. I am very tired. And tomorrow will be the same. I'll have to pon school. I have no mood to do anything constructive.

I'm trying to just pile a lot of things on myself so I'll be too busy to think. I try to sleep really late each night to make myself feel tired (ok it sounds stupid) But it doesn't work, really. Cuz once I come home, and sit down... everything comes back.

I think he's back. Phew! I feel a sense of relief! I am quite a paranoid person. And not to mention, when he went Taiwan that time, there was the plane crash incident. I am paranoid and always praying for him. Thank God he's back safely and soundly. I'm glad that he will get to enjoy himself and truly relax, rest and have fun. That's good. It's party time for you!

____________

Ur bro just msg-ed me to tell me u're not feeling well.
Hope you're alright.
I dont dare to ask whats wrong with you.
Sorry but I still dont dare to reply because I'm just too afraid that you will reply me with those heart breaking words again and it will just make me cry. I'm too afraid.

But I hope you are alright. Hope you will take care of yourself... simple things like covering the blanket and not sleeping with your head wet..

OK I cannot elaborate further if not I will end up 'baby-sitting' you again.

I agree with sis that that is a problem for me.

I always tend to baby sit people to the extent that it's bad for them.

So I dont really blame you. I guess it's my fault for baby-sitting you.. to the extent that you didnt see the need to do things like send me home or what because I'm always nagging at you to go home etc.

I dont blame you totally. Takes two hands to clap.

Anyways, hope you will take care of yourself. It must have been tough in Thailand. Take good care of yourself, sleep more and don't always stay up late into the night just because "book out time is precious"! I know it does make sense! But it's not healthy! You need plenty of sleep to replenish your energy level... somemore you are required to do strenous work. Faster recover then you can go play and be happy. Take care of yourself.

2008-10-18T22:13:00.000+08:00

not sure if you're coming back tonight or tomorrow... anyways, welcome home :)

Have a good rest. Must have been tough on you. Take care of yourself and hope you enjoy yourself. This is the time to go play and have fun. Finally you can play without having that dreaded booking-in feeling. enjoy.

2008-10-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

i hate times like these.
i didnt want to cry.
but sunday is coming.
you're coming home. i've been counting down the days secretly in my heart, though i refused to admit. i told myself i'm ok, i'm alright, everything goes on as usual.

but secretly, i've been counting down the days even though i know it's really none of my business because you have denied me the right to be in your life.

in a way, im really happy for you. you have endured this tough period and it's time for you to rest and play.

but deep inside, there's this bitter sorrow eating at me.

because this was exactly what i endured 2 years for.

you weren't the only one who suffered because of army.
i suffered along with you voluntarily too.

and what for? for the future! that's what you told me.

and now, this future is here.
you are back from your last trip, you are going to clear your leave, and ORD in less than a month.

but what a cruel joke.

this nice and happy future doesn't include me.

i got kicked out, disqualified at the very last minute.

i am......

very very very very very...... s-a-d.

i am very very very very tired.

i keep distracting myself.... but i know i can't run.
and deep inside, im very very very very sad.

but i just wanted to tell you (if you even bother to come here still) that.. i am happy for you in a way. and it's good that you can finally rest and sleep and play computer games as and when you want, play with your brothers and go out with your friends. I hope you enjoy your time and have a good rest to rejuvenate yourself.

2008-10-15T23:31:00.001+08:00

Yay!! Rvn is coming back on Sunday!
He has been in Thailand for the past weeks!

Ok la -_-"'
I know what you're thinking.
Am I crazy or what? Why am I still counting down the days even when Im already out of his life?

I must be stupid.

I can't help it. It just comes to me naturally. Never mind.

I really want to shift out u know.
You have no idea how bad it is, to take bus, and go pass his house every single day, to know that he is so near yet so far, to know that everything I had with his family has been taken away.

His youngest brother msged me and said I havent msged him for very long. And when he said "Will I ever see you again? :-("
My heart just melted.

And at that point, I couldnt help but feel angry again.

Cuz u know what??

One of his reasons for breaking up with me is that I can't get along with his family and I don't love his brothers.

Seriously man.

There's a period of time when I actually saw his family more than he did, and talked to them more than he did!

The one month he was in Taiwan last time, his grandfather picked me up every morning to go to his mum's office and I had lunch and even dinner with them every day ok! Im closer to his grandparents than my own can!

I am pissed.

Because his reasons are just not valid.

After we broke up, his grandfather still call me and talk to me can??!

THEY ARE MY FAMILY TOO!

I am pissed.

After I got so close to your family and grew to love them, you just take everything away with the most invalid reason that I am not close to them and I dont get along well with them. You are just using that excuse to dump me.

That is completely stupid.

There was once or twice when I got upset cuz of his brothers.

BUT HELLO!!!

That was just once or twice.

But for the most part 99.9999999999% of the time, I get along really well with them alright?? I play soccer with them, his younger brothers will sms me every now and then by themselves even when he is overseas ok!

That is how close I am with them.

And you took eevrything away with the most stupid reason that is not even valid.

Oh well. It's okay. No point being angry.

At least I can still be friends with his brothers. His youngest brother asked me to take him out for lunch after his exam.

I didnt promise him. Because I dont know if I can do it.

As in, I dont know if Im allowed (in case he comes and find trouble with me and start asking me to get out of his life, dont harrass his family etc. ....)

And I dont know if I can as in, Im scared that if I see him, I'll feel so sad again.

Whatever it is, you carved the deepest mark in my heart.

Ya you can continue to deliberately say things to hurt me. Yes it affects me a lot. So are you happy? Why do you do things deliberately to hurt another person?

Breaking up is nothing wrong.
But I dont understand why you had to say those horrible things to me. You just wanted to make things really horrible to the point that we can't even be friends.

So are you happy now?
Lol. I suppose you must be.

Actually I'm sad that you are coming back on Sunday.
Because i know that when you come back from this trip, it's already your last trip and you'll be very free already. You will be clearing your leave and waiting for a few more weeks before ORD.

And I AM ANGRY.

BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR

I WAITED FOR TWO YEARS, I ENDURED SEPARATION, I ENDURED ALL YOUR STUPID EXCUSES, I ENDURED YOUR LACKLUSTRE EFFORT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THESE TWO YEARS... WHY???? BECAUSE I WAS WaITING FOR THE FUTURE - THE FUTURE WHEN THINGS WILL BE BETTER AFTER ARMY. I ENDURED ALL THESE SHIT FOR NOTHNG.

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

If you break up with me after one year, maybe not so bad.
But you had to dust me out of your life weeks before your ORD.

Do you know how horrible I feel???

So now, after I've endured all these shit for 2 years, I get nothing.
And you are going to ORD and be happy, go on holiday with your buddies, and totally enjoy your life while here I am, stuck here wondering why.

I hope you're happy.

I am angry with myself.
For following you through all these shit for two years only to be left with absolutely nothing while you enjoy your freedom and have fun with your buddies.

It's not fair.
yes life is not fair.

yes I should try to be happy and not think about all these.

Yes I went through all these voluntarily, i know. Nobody forced me of course.

But maybe Wil is right.

I am not angry with Rvn. But I am angry with myself.
I am angry with myself for being so stupid and screwed up.
And so useless.
That I gave things/people up for him, I gave my time my effort, I endured the separation... but in the end, I still couldnt keep him by my side.

I am angry with my own uselessness.
I am pissed with myself.

That at the end of the day, when he can finally ORD after waiting for two years, he is going to leave me out of the whole 'joyous occasion' and go party with his buddies.

I dont know what to think anymore.

I am happy that you're coming back.

But I am sad.

Well, you're gonna ORD soon. You must be happy. I guess I am happy for you too. It's been a tormenting 2 years for you, stressful and eevrtyhing I know. So I guess this is really a well-deserved break for you.

(Sorry i know i sound crazy. One minute consumed by anger, the next I feel happy for him. That's why I say I dont really know what to feel. Im just weak and useless.)

2008-10-14T20:41:00.001+08:00

now u're making me feel like i did something wrong.

what is wrong?

=(

2008-10-13T20:19:00.001+08:00

Don't worry . No matter what, I am not a saint. I am only human, I need to allow myself to be sad, to be angry etc.

But I will be alright soon, no worries man.

Actually, the big deal is not a break up.
Break ups happen. It's a part of life. You cannot force a person to marry you right!

So Im sad about the break up but the main thing is not it.

The main thing is the way he walked away from me.

If he had done it in a better way, yes it's still a break up i'll still be sad.

But if he had done it in a better way, I wouldn't feel so let down, I wouldnt feel so upset that I spent 2 years just like that. If he had done it in a better way, I wouldnt feel so angry that he just tossed me away like dirt.

If he had done it in a better way, I would be sad but it would have been easier and perhaps, we could still remain friends.

But all he said was.... ah, well, i dont want to repeat, what is the point. I might just be accused of trying to paint a bad picture of him.

Whatever it is, my point is... I'll be alright. I know people around me are worried.

To be honest, i HATE it when people are worried about me haha!
Because I have a lot of self pride. I HATE to be seen as a weakling! Yet it is ironic. Because I know it is precisely because I am genuinely so weak, that's why I try to act gung ho to make up for it.

But of course, I know they love me and they care for me =)
Just that I dont like to admit that I am weak or I am sad.
I like to do that, put up a tough front. Yet it is just stupid and futile la cuz it is damn obvious that it is just a tough front! Haha =)

But well, I'll be okay.

It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, that's all.

There is nothing wrong with breaking up, let me reiterate.
There is nothing wrong.
If you have to go, then go, it's your life.

But you don't do it in such a way and just pat the dust off your pants and walk away and leave other people to deal with all the consequences.

And another part, well, I guess i am so emo because I feel very alone.
And I am bitter about it.
Bestie is right.
In my mind, I am wondering what is so bad about me.
I know I am NOT perfect, thats for sure.
But am I THAT horrible or that detestable?? What did i do man? I really would like to know.

Whatever it is, at the end of the day, I just have to be independent.

Wil asked me not to watch movies alone or go home alone anymore.

But I was telling him that isnt the point.

If nobody watch movies with me, life goes on right! I just have to watch by myself la!

If nobody sends me home late at night, life goes on right!!? Whether it's 11pm or 3am, I still need to go home and I just have to go back myself!

It's not a preference, mind you.
It's "no choice". I cant possibly don't watch movie forever, or dont go home, just because I am alone right? What to do? I dont have a choice so I just have to make do with what I have.

And I feel alone because..

Sis has Kenn.
Bestie has Stan.
Bel has Alvn.
Jn has Ly.
GS has KK.
Jstn has Shuzn.

There you go. These are already my closest friends and they are all attached.

Wait, I am not complaining. NO WAY!!

My point is... I am very zi dong.

I know they are all attached and will definitely need to spend time with their bfs/gfs, so I will never dare to disturb them or call them out.

Last time, during weekends, I would meet with Bel to go back sch.

When I found out she patched back with Alvn, I was very happy.

But then, I also realised that... well, weekends will be spent alone already. Because now Bel also attached. I cannot call her out anymore.

That's why I go back to school on weekends and just.. i dont know do what alone, and eat alone in the scary ulu canteen.

My friends are very nice. They will definitely come and tell me (after they see this) that they will be here for me ANYTIME and I can always call them out. And of course I believe them!

But that's not the point.

I am very zi dong.. lol. Im not one of those to play gooseberry or disturb other people's quality time together. It's just not very nice.

If I am single and unwanted, that is my problem and I just have to deal with it. Not mobilize the whole world to accompany me just because I am freaking lonely??!! It doesn't make sense and it is bloody selfish.

I hate to disturb other people. Jstn said that's my problem. Lol. But I really hate to disturb people. It's just stupid and selfish. People are happy in their own worlds, why disturb them with your own stupid emo stuff? That's my own freaking problem, I deserve this shit and I deal with it myself, not drag as many people down as possible with me.

I have a lot on my mind.
But i guess these are the things that are genuinely on my mind.

The things I talk about with Sis in school are just..... a distraction.

2008-10-12T22:49:00.001+08:00

I didn't want to cry.
But being so weak, I couldn't help it.

I am so weak.
I am sick of myself and I am pissed with myself.

I kept telling God that it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

I know it's probably self pity.
But I just need to dwell in it for a while.

It's just not fair.
Yes I know, nothing is fair.

never mind.

just leave me alone in this loneliness to ponder and wonder.

2008-10-12T00:02:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, you just get pretty turned off by certain people.
But sometimes, maybe that's the way life is.
You just have to settle for it.

Jg told me that:

You won't (get to) marry the one you love. But you must love the one you marry.

Maybe that is just the sad truth of life.

Sorry la but Im just really.......
I am pissed about being left behind.

Sure, I am no perfect saint.
But am I really that stupid?? that useless??? that bad??? That I must be the one left behind?? ALWAYS THE ONLY ONE LEFT BEHIND???

I am sad. Sad to the extent that I am pissed.

I am pissed about the fking men who kajiao me and try to be funny.

I am sick of walking home alone in the dark so late at night and feeling scared.

yes I always act gung ho. But sometimes, it just gets to me. No matter how gung ho I can pretend to be, I am still a girl and I am disadvantaged if I ever have to fend off a man.

I am sick of walking home alone in the dark and hearing all those workers whistle, wave, trying to be funny.

AND I AM JUST HELPLESS. I hate that feeling. I REALLY HATE THAT FEELING.

But what can I do man?

Seriously I am bitter. I am just being honest. I am bitter.

I dont understand.

I am just... always alone.

I am not weak. Being alone will not kill me.
I just hate the feeling.

Of knowing that everybody has gotten on with their happy and beautiful and sunny bright lives.

And I am the only one left behind and no one (except Sis) gives a shit about me (and to know that THIS shit is EXACTLY what I deserve).

But even then, everybody has their own lives. Sis has her own boyfriend and her own life too.

So ultimately, it boils down to the same point.

That I AM alone.
And I will remain alone.
And this is the way it has to be.

I just have to grit my teeth and bear with things.
When I get bullied or molested or whatever shit, I just have to grit my teeth.
I hate that feeling. It is complete injustice. It is not fair.

But what can I do.
The only arms I have to protect myself are my own.

I am bitter. It is not fair. This is the only shit I get at the end of the day??????? That's all? If I get nothing, it's alright. But I get shit.

It's no use whining ya? I know.

I hate the way things are.

Above all, I hate the way I am.

I hate how imperfect I am.
I hate how weak and useless I am.

I hate how ugly I am.
I hate how stupid I am.
I hate how gullible I am.

And another friend just told me that I am easily manipulated and that it is so easy to turn my world upside down.

I am beginning to hate those words.

Please don't bother to talk to me or comfort me.
Happiness and bitterness don't mix.
Stay away from me.
I am nothing but bitterness and uselessness and negativity.
If you are in your happy world, actually, I am very happy for you. But stay away from me and dont mix with me.
Happiness and bitterness cannot mix.
I dont want to be a spoil sport to you guys who are happy.
Just leave me alone to be bitter and sorrowful by myself. Because this is exactly what I deserve, I guess. Gee, I must have done a lot of bad things or sth to deserve all these shit. But well, I accept that I deserve all these.

I just went back to read my past entries.
You know what?

Sorry. I am too hurt and upset.

There is just no point being nice or even trying. There is just no point man! I am so disillusioned with the whole thing.

At the rate Im going, I am probably addicted already.

2008-10-09T23:16:00.001+08:00

Finally... stan is coming back to sg after months away!!! AND I AM VERY EXCITED FOR MY DEAR BESTIE!! Because she can finally see her darling after MONTHS apart!!! I know it hasnt been easy man seriously..

I seriously felt so excited u know. It was 5:30 pm or something.. and he was supposed to come back by 6pm.. and I was like "Oh man!! It's soon, soon!!"

U know, it's like.. u've waited for someone for months.. and it just boils down to the last 30 minutes.

How nice.

I really feel very happy for my bestie. No more lonely days and nights for my dear girl!

But then, this also brings back SAD memories.

I cant help but be reminded of it and I just get so heart broken.

I feel CHEATED.
CHEATED is the bloody word.
I hate feeling CHEATED.

People who make you wait... make promises... "after NS I won't busted u I swear"....

And I waited. I waited throughout the NS period. I waited until it is almost over. It is just a mere 1 month away. I WAITED FOR 18 MONTHS at least?? EIGHTEEN MONTHS. I waited and it wasn't easy.

And you promised me bright days ahead, a happy future ahead. "After NS, we will go study together as we used to... blah blah... After NS, things will be better.. just bear with it ok? ..."

I feel cheated.
I know you didn't deliberately lie to me or cheat me. But I just feel very stupid...

I waiting for 18 freaking months. The 22 months are almost over. And then... HAHA look what happened.

I am stupid. I really am.

Waiting is hard, but it is alright!! It is ok! It is just a small price to pay for a bright future ahead! No problem man. I am patient in this!

But it just isn't funny when you make me wait til it is finally almost over and then ask me to scram.

Just like that???

Well I am stupid.

I told Sis that until today, many people stil think we're together. And I just play along.

I don't dare to tell them we're not together anymore.

WHY??

BECAUSE I AM TOO ASHAMED OF MYSELF.

Something must be wrong with me man.

I feel damn useless. I feel like... shit. I can't even keep my boyfriend by my side. I feel horrible, stupid, useless, lousy... ashamed of myself.

What a loser. What a failure.

But it's okay.

Im done with all these nonsense man.

It;'s ok. For now I bury myself in work.

I go home after 9pm almost every night.

I am freaking tired.

And I am freaking lonely.

It isn't nice to stay back in school alone til late and eat dinner alone so many nights each week.

Ah no im not complaining. I will survive, it doesn't kill me. I won't die.

I sleep at 1 am or 3 am most nights. I feel and look horrible. My eye bags are horrible. My dark eye circles are bad.

But it's ok. I won't die. I will just stay distracted for as long as possible.

2008-10-08T20:33:00.000+08:00

I am probably the stupidest fool.
I shouldn't have looked at the photos. But I couldnt help it.
Why do I even allow these meaningless things to have a hold over my heart?
Such a weakness that I totally despise myself for.

I used to see the possibilities.
Bright. Far reaching.
Now I just don't anymore.

I won't look at the photos again.
I won't allow people to hurt me and I won't allow such things to have a hold over me.

2008-10-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

I watched helpless as you turned around to leave
And still I have the pain I have to carry
A past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here, never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind

But I couldnt make you see it, couldnt make you see it
That I love you more than you'll ever know

A part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like it was before
But nights like these it seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
Never thought we'd be here, never thought we'd be here
When my love for you is blind
But I couldn't make you see it, couldn't make you see it
I love you more than you'd ever know
A part of me died when I let you go

2008-09-30T21:47:00.000+08:00

It's a really tough period for the people around me.

For sis & bestie & bel.

i couldnt help but cry when i saw bel cry.
i felt her burden. so heavy.

i hope everybody will be alright soon.

Sis to release all her sorrow and feel better.
Bestie to come to a decision and have happiness that she deserves.
Bel to come to a decision too and let go of her baggage.

For me.

I hope I can have my heart back.

I dont have a heart.
I walk around without a heart.

I am bubbly and noisy with Sis and Bel.

But when im alone, I dont feel anything.
I'm numb.
I want my heart back.
I dont want to walk around without a heart.

please don't kill someone and then come around and ask why that person's lying dead on the ground. that is completely ridiculous. and im not falling for that again. i already have no heart.

i think i need more smoke to get all these away.

2008-09-29T22:50:00.000+08:00

As things get more complicated and tricky, i believe im slowly losing my patience. And when it reaches the limit, i dont think it's going to be pretty.

I have too many people and things on my hands that I am accountable for. And I have to just settle everything in a perfect manner. But I dont know how. Sometimes I think until it makes me feel so suffocated, I get so pek cek and I just think "To hell with everything". I am so.... bothered.

Sis is right. People can get influenced so easily. One night, and all the Hokkien and gestures are spewing out so naturally. Haha. I admit, it is really kind of scary.

2008-09-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

i think we're all feeling horrible.

boon left us one year ago. it's damn fast.

i wonder what he was doing at the precise moment one year ago.
was he lying on the road in pain, waiting for help?

i cant brush that thought away.

and what was i doing?

i remember what i was doing.

I was awake past 1am... and i was fiddling with my necklaces.. i was digging out my necklace, earrings etc. in my cupboard..

the irony.

i feel horrible.
we feel horrible.
how to celebrate 2 people's birthday like that.

everybody's expression totally like shit.
like want to die.

2008-09-28T22:51:00.000+08:00

bumped into Ah Pui.
he is still him. except with more tattoos.

there was something i was quite impressed with though.
while he was talking to me, he was smoking (as usual).

and i realised he kept like blowing the smoke upwards.
i kept observing then later i ask him why he must smoke until like that -_-"'

and he said cuz he remember i dont like them to smoke.
he remember that since secondary school, i always scold them when they smoke.

i was impressed.
(1) he even remembers i hate him to smoke.
(2) he bothers to act on it and keep blowing the smoke upwards.

it's a small thing la but it was quite funny in a sense cuz he really kept taking great pain to blow it upwards with EVERY SINGLE puff he took.

i was quite touched.
it's damn retarded. cuz i know it's really a small thing.
but i never seen him for quite long.

maybe im just touched that a person who has no close relation to me, a person who i barely see, will remember some thing about me and act on it.

that beats other people right? people who are supposedly so close but dont give a fking damn about you.

i dont know why, maybe it was my moody mood at that moment.

but breathing in the second hand smoke for a good 20 minutes or so, i suddenly felt the urge to smoke.

i wont pretend to be a saint.

at that moment, i honestly thought smoking was so attractive. in the sense that... i dont know, it can take me away from my pain?

i know, it's probably stupid, illogical and senseless.

but well, it was just an at-the-moment thing.

maybe one of these days when i am in pain. hahaha.

i am dying of an overdose of distraction.
i-a-m-d-y-i-n-g. HAHA. it sounds damn retarded.

i am seriously what they call, tio sai queen.

i just step on all the shit.

maybe my mood got especially bad, after that night at the library what the 2 fking students did to me.

perhaps it's a small thing.

but to me, it is the feeling in my heart.
the feeling of resignation and helplessness.

of knowing that even after the guy touched me, there is nothing i can do.

i can act gungho on usual days but seriously, i am at a disadvantage. because at the end of the day, i am just a girl with lesser strength than guys.

i didnt dare to get back at him cuz i was afraid he might wait outside the library and get even more daring. somemore it was at night with few people around.

i hate that feeling.

being touched and i cant even get back???? or get help?
that sucks really.

and it's worse to know that at the end of the day, everybody around has someone to protect them but for me, i am all alone and i have only my own pair of hands to protect myself.

it's okay you know.
i can survive.

it's a horrible world.
there is just no point acting like a saint anymore.

i can just pretend to be happy, armed with a smile, and carry on being bubbly. until i can pretend no more.

2008-09-28T00:34:00.002+08:00

i feel horrible.
i will die of an overdose of distraction soon.
_____________________________________________________

Friday

it doesnt serve me well at all. it's killing me.
but that's what i need. what i need.

i heard the voice outside.
i quickly followed it. i just had to.
but i was a little too late.

im in a crazy mood.
i think im capable of anything.
i must go back. and wait. until i find it again.
at least, it made my heart move again.
i feel like i've been living these past weeks without a heart.
i couldn't feel my heart.
because my heart is empty. there is nothing inside.

im dying of this overdose.

2008-09-26T18:39:00.001+08:00

You were RIGHT.
Hope you're happy then.
Yes you were RIGHT.

2008-09-20T23:41:00.000+08:00

I finally found the courage to do it. I drove to his house, put the bag outside his gate and msged his bro to come to the gate and take it.

I didnt expect his bro to pass the phone to him. I admit, I was really nervous. I panicked, I quickly cancelled the call and zoomed off from his gate to a corner.

And I sat at the corner, crying crying crying.

I talked to myself aloud, scolding myself and telling myself not to cry.
"Don't be a retard. I forbid you to be such a loser. There is nothing to cry about, there is nothing to cry about, there is nothing to cry about, there is nothing to cry about."

I know, Im just about the most retarded person.

I dont want to say too much. I dare not.

I feel like such a failure.

Maybe you're wondering what all the drama thing is about. Like what is the big freaking deal??!

Well, i dont know. I dont even know what I did.
I really dont know.
I am not acting blur but I REALLY DON'T KNOW!

I dont think he has any more feelings for me or anything. He has probably forgotten me. I am probably just being overly emotional or retarded. I am still stuck here in this same place that I was 2 months ago. I havent progressed.

It doesn't matter. I am just a loser u know. Seriously. HAHA let me just laugh at myself and cry it off.

I need to get out of this place.
This is too depressing.
Why am I being treated like that?

He asked me not to hate him. And I was very surprised. WHAT??? HATE YOU??? Erm. Since when did I hate you??? It was you hating me all along, you rejecting me, shaking your head at everything I said. It was never my turn to hate you man. I am not the one at the helm here. You were the one hating me all along. Yes you say that it's not true, but come on, just look at your actions and the hurting words you say to me.

It's ok. I shall not say too much.

Well, all I can say is good luck, be happy and don't worry, I will put in my best effort to stay out of your life and out of your sight. Don't worry. I know i know we are just friends and you will never see me as more than a friend and you dont see a future with me etc. Don't worry, ya i know you've clarified all these with me, don't worry. Haha.

I can't wait to shift out. It's something I really need to do. I cannot bear passing by his house every single day and thinking about the times I used to have with his family, and having all of it taken away from me just like that. His grandfather still calls me, and I cannot help but cry every time i talk to him.

WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER??? Seriously man. I HAVE NO IDEA but i also cannot tahan myself. No wonder no guy wants me you know. I mean, seriously, would you rather be with a slut or a crybaby??!?! Obviously a slut right??! Haha

2008-09-17T21:14:00.000+08:00

I really wonder what I'm doing these days. I am screwing up almost every single thing. And it feels pretty horrible really. I never felt so useless.

Like last week. I gobbled up my lunch, rushed all the way to school, making sure I wasnt late for lecture. When I reached, I realised that I didnt recognise anybody in the LT. I looked at my watch. Correct what. 2 pm. Then I went out and thought and thought. And I realised that my lecture was from 12 to 2, NOT 2 to 4. It had already ended when I got there at 2.

I know it must sound funny and when I tell my friends, they laugh.

But at that point, it really wasnt funny.
I felt like crying. Yes I am a crybaby.
But I felt horrible.
WHY AM I SO STUPID AND USELESS??

Seriously, I don't remember being THIS blur. I always used to be quite alert. At that point, I really felt so useless.

So I quickly rushed to Bt Batok. When I reached there, my 'supervisor' called me and said my kid wasnt coming cuz something cropped up.

I felt so horrible again.
Rushing here and there the entire day for absolutely nothing??
What is wrong?

So many things, I've screwed up everything.

I had a very important midterm exam yesterday. The weightage is 40%, which is like half of my entire course grade.

And guess what.
I only knew about the exam about 3 days before.
And lucky my friends mentioned it. If not, I think, I wouldnt even know about it.

Just what is wrong with me??
I really don't know.
But thank God, I managed to cram everything for that 3 days and I think I did okay.

But it doesnt make me feel better. What is wrong with me?

Today, I screwed up again.
I was supposed to hand in an assignment yesterday.
But I forgot. Or rather, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I was supposed to.

So this morning, I woke up at 6 plus. And took 1.5 hours in the morning jam to rush to school, just to hand it in by 9am.

I just feel horrible through and through.
I dont know what is wrong with me.

And today, I realised I got cheated of $150.
At first, it didnt bother me much. Cuz well, I guess money comes and goes. If people want to cheat, God can see. It's ok.

But then, I felt STUPID and USELESS again.
Why am I so stupid?
I am so clueless. I am always the last to know about ANYTHING.
I feel indignant. I didnt want to puruse the $150 back. But then, I thought, it's not fair. I shouldnt lose $150 to people who cheat. I would gladly give the $150 to charity and give it to people who deserve it.

I feel clueless through and through.

No wonder nobody wants me.
Ha . Ha .
Who would want to be with a completely failure?

I'm just completely stupid, clueless. I dont know about anything and everything.

Sigh. I really feel like such a failure.
I dont know what is wrong with me.
That time when I forgot to turn up for work and eevrything, sis was already very concerned, asking me "Are you okay?"
Haha. It's getting worse.
And I dont think it's about having an organiser or what.. cuz it's not that I FORGOT. It's that I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW of such things.

I feel very upset. I feel like a failure. I feel stupid.
I feel unwanted.

Im still in my dreamland.
Hand held tight over my little hope that I know will never happen, while you are just happily living your life day by day. You have forgotten me and you will never notice me again.

I didnt think it would be this fast.

I just look at you from afar and wonder when you will look my way again.
But it is just never going to happen. In your mind, I am just nothing but your arch enemy. And I dont know why either. Am I really that bad or that horrible, that detestable or that stupid?

I'm just screwing up everything.
I want to cry. HAHA.

2008-09-16T21:34:00.000+08:00

these days, time crawls slowly.

On Thursday, I felt it gathering already. Inside my heart.
On Friday, I tried to cry it out. But it wouldnt get out.
On Saturday, I tried to cry it out again. It still wouldnt budge.
On Sunday, my tears flowed.
On Monday, my tears flowed. Non stop.

I dont know why you know. Can somebody tell me??

haha it's damn funny actually. Cuz really, believe me, NOTHING IS WRONG!!! Im still my noisy, cheery self!! I am not moody or emo-momo. I'm noisy and bubbly as usual!!

So tell me where all these tears come from. Haha

It was terrible. I cried non stop on Monday. I cried on the bus on the way to school. I cried when I ate lunch by myself (again). I cried during tutorial. I cried on the way home. I literally cried the entire day.

But it was just tears falling down my face.

And I couldnt do anything about it. I felt like I really had to cry. And my nose was so red. But inside, I wasn't really feeling anything. But I had the real need to cry. And boy, did I cry.

No actually. I did feel something inside. But I cannot describe it.

It's still not gone.

There's this... confusion inside. I dont know what Im doing.
Maybe I am pained by evrything. Nothing in specific but just everything.

The things that are meant to be, but cannot be.
The things that can be, but are not meant to be.

I ask myself what Im doing all the time.

If Sms-es were tangible, maybe I can frame it up and look at it all day long.

Oh. Just look at this pathetic person. What on earth am I doing.

I still cannot figure out so many things.
Just what I did to become everything that you hate. That I have come to embody such negativity, such disgust that you must treat me as such and avoid me like the plague. What did I do? To make you change in the blink of an eye. To make you completely want to have nothing to do with me? I am really troubled. But it's alright. Since Im the baddie, nobody owes me an explanation!

Just what can I do to get that glimmer?

Just what can I do to get that selfishness to truly reach for it at the expense of another? And at the expense of years?

So many questions, so little time, too much tears, too much pain.

2008-09-10T20:27:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to shake off this feeling in my heart.
I try to define it, capture it so I can respond to it in a better way.
Yet it is ever so elusive.

What is this feeling?
I think.. the closest I can get to it.. is... disappointment?

I am very disappointed in people. And I admit, it is a completely meaningless thought or feeling because it simply serves no purpose. Nobody is going to care and neither can I do anything about people who disappoint.

I have known it all along.
How people are just heartless... emotionally detached.. irresponsible.. disrespectful.
Of course, not everyone is like that.
But really, I have known it all along that people like that exist.
I am not so naive.

Yet I always chose to believe and at least try to see the good side.
I dont want to see a gloomy world but a sunny one.
But then, when I choose to believe, you choose to disappoint.

I am not merely talking about one person or for that matter, two or three.
I am talking about the so many people I've come across.

It is yet another pointless thought.
The world is not going to change and this is the way it is.
It is just up to me to accept it.

Suddenly, the world just seemed a little darker.
But it's not entirely dark.
It's just cloudy. A grey shade of 'cloudy'.

It is my struggle.
The pain is bleeding fresh.
I wonder how could people do that?
I would feel so guilty.
I wouldn't be able to do that.
So how do you do that?? It amazes me so how people can be heartless, emotionally detached, so irresponsible.

I thought: Maybe I can try to be like them. To be a slut! So carefree, doing whatever irresponsible thing you want without bearing the consequences.

But then...

Being a slut?

I'm sorry.
I'm not cut out for it.

I dont know how to be one.
Even if I do know how, I could never bring myself to be one.

Because I have something called Conscience.
And I am accountable to the people around me, accountable to God, accountable to myself.
I could never do it like you do it.
Because I am responsible to the people around me, responsible to God and myself.

And these are words you wouldn't understand but I pray you do.

But for me to be a slut?
I'm sorry.
I ain't cut out for that.

And it is something I am proud of and I know it is worthy to be proud of.

I would never join the wrong crowd just because I can't "beat" (or get around) them.

I know I always end up sound preachy when it's never my intention. But come on, I'm not even talking about holy holy stuff. I'm not preaching. I'm just trying to learn, trying to explore, trying to lay out human nature if it's even possible..

2008-09-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

What happened to "respect"? RESPECT?
I never felt so horrible in a lecture. Sitting there and not being able to leave, and have something imposed on me. Intentions weren't bad but it was a horrible feeling. Were my feelings respected at all? Just imposing something on me, shoving it in my face, for two whole hours was a horrible feeling. It was a helpless feeling because I couldnt do anything to ease myself from the situation.

I feel like im twirling around in a zone where everything's just free falling.
and it's pretty confusing really.

Im caught up, trying to remember things so i dont forget, trying to forget things so i dont remember, trying to hang on to certain things so i dont fall away, trying to fall away from things so i dont hang on.
Everything's just free falling right through me, right past me. I can't get a grip on anything and it's just confusing me completely.

2008-09-08T23:42:00.000+08:00

Hmm lets see lets see. What should I call these?
guess what i really need at this point is the heart to stick through to certain things and the wisdom to steer clear from certain things.

I need more.... JAYs (thats for sure HAHA), i need more DGs, i need more Secret Sundaes, and i need more Dingdongbells. Am I making sense here? It's ok, I make sense to myself haha.

I think SSagent is right.

I think, I think only.

2008-09-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

Assumptions lead to accusations.

Please do not, for a moment, assume that you know what I'm talking about...

Because when you assume things, you will start to accuse me of things I never even meant or said.

I am not talking about lovey dovey stuff. Neither am I pinpointing people "not to tread near". Walau! Im sorry if it sounded like that.. but dont assume..

2008-09-05T11:36:00.000+08:00

Warned repeatedly, leaving nothing unsaid
The message was clear but it was all out of my hands
When it was asserted that it was no burden but
a challenge, a test of courage, a dance of faith and confidence.

But don't even tread near
For once the floodgates are opened
The guarantee of character is out the window
Human nature at work will not be stopped
But I would never get past myself
For the weight of conscience is just too great
So for logicality's sake
Leave me out of conscience's burden
and don't throw yourself in the waters of sorrow
For when that happens, nothing can be turned.
The ravages of conscience and sorrow
will demolish all the potential
of that beautiful field of sunflowers
so greatly loved

I wouldn't let that happen so don't tread near.
Because my determination will stand guard
and disallow a further step, a further step.
This is again my conscience at work.
That majestic guardian in all its glory
stirring on the insides so I do not mar its holiness.

That is my determination, my service and my utmost protection
for that beautiful lone angel who waters the smiles of the sunflowers.

2008-09-04T20:09:00.002+08:00

Things have been bad in Thaiiland.
All the while it didnt really hit me but today, while watching the news on the bus, it just made me quite sad.
I miss Thaiiland but what has become of it? What's wrong with everybody man. It used to be peaceful and happy, everybody respectful and courteous. I guess all good things come to an end? Does it really work this way?

Been talking to my cousin in Thaiiland. Luckily he's in a little town beside Banggkok and he says that all is normal in the town. Everything is alright.

As I was talking to him, I got more nostalgic.
The days spent in Thaiiland were just so carefree, so memorable.
The days my cuzzies took me around on the motor and drove me around too. Just carefree and happy. My cousin said he could take me on the airplane when he flies in the next time i go. Im so looking forward to that.
Just imagine!! An airplane!!

Ok well, maybe it's best not to say or think too much.
___________________________________________________

Stifled by consistency.
Unsettled by variations.
Disquieted by indifference.
Yet suppressed by attention.
So this is the juncture.
Would you be the luckiest one, or the happiest one?
The wisdom of a fool will not set me free.
Assumptions are a prelude to accusations.

___________________________________________________

Touched and blessed - but happiness lies afar.
Not in the land of sincerity.
But in the hands of mere stupidity, unexplained sacrifice, the rush of illogicality, and a tumulous stumble to a naught.
It doesnt make sense.
So what would you be, what would be?

Be silent for we are but on earth and He is in heaven.
For tomorrow will worry itself.
For He comes before all thigns, and in Him all things hold.

Your beautiful spirit opens my eyes,
fills me with your melody,
and reveals to me, your words.
The words I never was able to grasp.
But you see it, and you say it,
with such beauty.
Should I take haste to say it's the dance of a perfect pair?
Yet, such haste is undesirable and aids nothing but a quick spiral, a steep descend to nothingness.
For inheritance quickly gained will not be blessed.
So do away with haste and walk with me,
in the light evening rain,
you will prevail and so will I.

___________________________________________________

2008-09-03T13:15:00.000+08:00

My days are beautiful, my days are bright. Full of light. If you would, take a moment to walk with me.

U know, i feel so... warm inside. Really WARM. WARM with so much Love. So much love that people around have shown me. It is such an overwhelming warmth that it moves inside my heart, moves inside my soul, whirling on my insides and whelming out of my eyes as joyful tears of a heart that has been touched.

If only people would see. See what I see, see what my dearest friends see.

The world is so much better with Love. Little acts of love we all have for one another.
___

I was praised and told that i "have a good head" on my shoulders.
And that, coming from an adult many years older from me, was a great encouragement indeed.

Little moments like that. When my leader tells me that he sees me maturing, complimenting me for being quite mature for my age.

People like Angela, who are years older, whom I have never met but have built a relationship with. I always say she touches me so. But I was surprised when she told me first that I move her heart and open her eyes and she is touched that I build my trust on her despite never ever seeing her before.

My dears, these are what encourage me. These are things I take pride in.

These are true compliments that gives me that push, that encouragement, that support.

Not "compliments" like "You look like a hardcore clubber! Hey! That's a compliment! You look like a dancer too!"

For I do not see what there is to take pride in, in looking like a clubber or looking like a dancer. (and i am sure i do not even carry myself in that way)

What do you take pride in, my friend?

I am proud of myself that I have a good head on my shoulder. That my dear friends have told me and encouraged me so, and that just spurs me on to want to be better, to be even wiser, even more mature.

And of course, I am not the only one with a good head on my shoulder. My dear friends do too, and I am so proud of them too.

It's not about being over-confident that oh, i am mature and wise u know. So many people said!

That is completely missing the point :)

My friends have good heads on their shoulders too.
My Sis who is often praised for being mature beyond her age.
Dear Bel, who has a heart so tender, so kind, that she touches me.
Rovin, who I still think is a nice guy. Who is very helpful and selfless towards others.

People like these, my dearest ones, they are wonderful and compeltely awesome! That is their pride. And I am proud of them.

So if the only thing you take pride in is.... being the prom king/queen? Or being the prettiest girl? Or the hottest dude with all the chicks? Or being able to down bottles without getting drunk? Or having the most number of tattoos? Theres nothing wrong with these.. but If that is the only thing you can think of that makes you proud of yourself.. then I hope this will stir a little something in your heart.

What do you take pride in? What do you want to be known for?

I am touched.. by love.
Not romantic love.
But love. The truest, selfless, purest love.

My group of friends take time and take turns to visit a friend's mother in the hospital every day. I am touched by that and encouraged by that and I am so spurred and touched that I am dying to be a part of it! I want to be a part of it! Not to join in the 'fun'! Definitely not! But I want to be a part of it, to be part of this Light, this Love.

Isnt the world a much better place through little acts of love like these?

And whats more, this friend (whose mum is in hospital) is far away in Aust studying! My group of friends are selflessly and happily helping her to take care of her mummy.

Little things like these, little things like these.

People like dear WY, who I thought was a bit prejudiced against me. Cuz she never talked to me. NEVER. She talked to everybody else but me, and never even looked me in the eye before.

I was sad. I thought maybe I really have a slut face, so she's cautious about me.

But one day, when I finally got to spend some time with her - just me and her - and we were playing with the wheel thing.. u know, the hamster wheel.. u must run on it but it's very dangerous.. and there she was, watching over me like a sister. Telling me to be careful, teaching me how to grab the pole so I wont fall, telling me to grab it tightly.

Things like these, things like these. Little acts of love.

The world is a better place.
The world is brighter.

Sis and Bel, who have been concerned about me - there is love. Indeed there is. God has shown me through these people. Sis, I hope you will get to see more of it too, more and more of it that your heart will be further encouraged instead of dimmed by unkindness that you see. And Bel, you are right. There is love and love is all there is.

I love you.

I am who I am, not because of myself, but because of all of you who have moulded me, touched me, helped me, held my hand.

2008-08-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

today was just.... bad. but then, it was nice. ok im not making sense am i? maybe it's late that's why.

today... my friends told me I have a "flirt face". wow. im not surprised. another friend told me i look like a "bimbo dancer". and i dunno how many people say i look like a wild hardcore clubber.

i didnt use to care. but then, when it happens again n again, i just feel indignant. it's just not justified.

i dont think i carry myself that way. you can say i carry myself in a very chor lor way. that is reasonable. but i really don't think i carry myself in a flirtatious manner, or a bimbotic manner, or a wild manner.

then my friends who called me "flirt face" were absolutely HORRIFIED and SURPRISED and OH-MY-GGGOSSSH that i dont have a boyfriend. They keep asking me "why? How can it be?? Why huh? Why huh?"

at the moment, I feel pretty much friendless too. Maybe nobody dares to make friends with me, much less be interested with me, because why? - Because apparently, I have a slut face.

It isn't very fair. I didnt choose my slut face. I too wish I had an angel face. But sorry, I dont get to choose either.

So I felt very upset already.

And it was another alone day again.

I feel lonely.

But it's ok, sometimes I do enjoy this loneliness. I am lonely but it doesnt mean Im depressed.

I went to Bt Batok, ate lunch by myself.
Tried to study a bit but I just couldnt focus cuz I was just busy observing everybody around me.
Everybody in pairs, in groups.
But it was fine. I enjoyed my own company, really!

Then in the evening, I went West Mall to have dinner.
But when you're eating alone most of the time, you just feel damn sian n dunno what to eat.

So I went to watch a movie.
I watched Wall-E.

It was such a nice movie. I really enjoyed it. It was simple, funny, touching.

But well, it was kind of retarded.
Cuz I felt stupid sitting there, laughing to myself.

Yet again, I did enjoy my own company.
It's been a long time since I watched movie alone.

Just go where I want, do what I want. And have some peace and quiet.

I know, Im retarded. Im contradicting myself all the time.

By the time the movie ended, my stomach was hurting cuz of gastric.
So I went to the coffeeshop to eat.

While I was eating, these 2 Mly cleaners tried to be funny with me.
Men like these like to target girls who are alone.
I was quite pissed so I tried to be gung ho.

They kept cleaning the table in front of me and standing there, facing me and just smiling to me.
Maybe I have a slut face so they think Im up for sale or something.

I tried to be gung ho for a while.

Then later, I felt really.... upset.
BEcause I know that no matter how gung ho I can act on the outside, I know Im just a girl and .... well.... the only arms I had around me to protect me were my own arms. What can I say?

Halfway through, a middle-aged lady joined me.

She was quite poor thing.
She's single, middle-aged, and she walked with a very bad limp.

I could sympathise with her. Maybe I saw myself in her. That one day I will end up like her. Lonely and eating dinner alone late at night.

I had already finished my meal but I stayed on and just sat there chit chat with her.. Asked her why she's eating so late.. blah blah.. And she was really appreciative, she kept saying "Thank you for your concern".

One day, I will end up like her.

But then, nobody seems to take me seriously.

When I tell my friends, they just laugh and say "Walau. Go and get married la! Wth!"

BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

It's not that I don't want to get married.
It's not a one-person thing you know?

The thing is, I dont seem to be very wanted.
Maybe it's because Im not good enough and not very nice.
And somemore, I have a slut face.
So nobody even dares or wants to make friends with me in the first place.

So I really see the possibility of being this lady.

Don't even need to talk about next time.
Now, I'm already like that.

Yes, I know I have very supportive friends.
But at the end of the day, everybody has their own lives.
Please don't bullshit me and tell me otherwise because this is simply a FACT.
Everybody has their own lives and rightly so!

Today, my wonderful 2 new friends Huey & Min were so nice to me. They're sisters and they're very nice to me. They know I've been rather down and keep telling me that I have them and I can join them.

And they kept telling me that last time, their boyfriends also broke up with them for a year then patched up. They're trying to encourage me and tell me there's still hope.

But I don't think so.

Because he has already told me so clearly that we can ONLY be friends. FRIENDS. Only Friends. F-R-I-E-N-D-S. And everytime he smses me, he emphasizes on that. We are FRIENDS. WE CAN ONLY BE FRIENDS. FRIENDS. "I care for you as a FRIEND." "We can only be FRIENDS. I cannot imagine you as more than a FRIEND." Things like that.

So I kept telling Huey & Min not to bother and there's nothing to encourage me about cuz there's just... nothing. There is no situation, no nothing whatsoever. Just nothing.

And just to clarify, Im not being all emo-momo just because I got rejected again and again. It's not about being lonely cuz I am single. That is not true. I was single for close to a year before I got together with Rovin.

Im just upset with things because... Im upset with people. Im upset with how so many people can just turn their backs with a non-commital and irresponsible statement and never look back.
Im upset with how people mistake me again and again for a slut when I dont carry myself like one, when I make the utmost effort to be a good girl.
Im upset with all the men who treat girls like... dirt.

But most of all, Im upset that... amidst everything, I only have my own words for comfort. My own arms to protect myself. My own heart to comfort myself.

I feel alone. I feel lonely.

Yes, on the outside, I have many good friends.

But no, im alone in this situation. Im alone. Im all alone. Im all alone with my unjustified slut face label, with my "No we can only definitely be friends and nothing more" rejections over and over again, with my fear of men. Im all alone and there is nobody to protect me but myself.

I feel like I have been discarded, thrown away by people.
By people who have given up on me and just thrown me away.
I cant see a reason to continue being nice to myself when everybody seems to have thrown me away and given up on me.

2008-08-25T23:01:00.000+08:00

today when i woke up, it was so cold. chilly weather. there wasnt any breeze but it was really cold. and when i walked through the basement and my nose was freezing, it reminded me of the days in aust. i felt like i was in another country during winter.

it was a nice yet lonely and cold feeling.

i dont really like the feeling.

when i woke up alone and brushed my teeth, and the whole house was so dark & quiet & cold. and i ate breakfast, and read the newspapers. and i walked thru the basement. it was just damp, cold, quiet. like being overseas alone. it's cold and lonely.

today, i felt that.. i want to start saving up. because i want to give my child the best. maybe not the best in the world, but my best, at least.

i know all these sound really STUPID and RETARDED.

because who would want to opt to be a single mum? and besides, it's not exactly very healthy for the child as well. And then again, i know nothing about adoption for single mothers. I've been researching here and there but I know it's quite hard to actually formalise the whole thing cuz they dont encourage people to adopt singly.

and my friends have been telling me that it's really hard being a single mum and all that. actually, yes i do know that, and at the same time, im also aware that i will never know the full implications and everything. but at least, i would say, i do have a reasonable expectation and view of it.

it's just so important to me.

i think even if i get married, i also want to adopt. it's just burning in my heart, i dont know why.

sorry if it sounds really stupid. my friends either laugh or get really worried.

they say things like "Huh? Don't want la. Don't la. Really. Get married la."

They're worried that I dont want to get married and choose to adopt singly instead. Haha. It's not that la.. if anybody wants me, and i end up married, then so be it. I'm just saying if I dont get married, I will want to adopt.

And anyway, im 20. Im freaking 20. Haha. it's just my dream. So don't take me way too seriously because nobody knows whats going to happen down the road and I didnt guarantee anything also. But also, dont beat down my dream too.

It sounds like a stupid, retarded little dream land im stuck in. But it's really not. It's something very real to me.

That day Sis and I were eating and I was thinking about how it'll be like if I had my child with me. Haha. I would have to think of what to order for him/her etc.

I know I probably sound really freaky and Im probably scaring away all the guys. I know it sounds almost like an obsession. But I assure you it's not :)
I am not obsessed la. It's just something im passionate about.
It's like how u spend hours discussing about anime, or the olympics.
I dont sit there and deliberately think. It just comes very naturally to my mind now and then.

I want to save money.

2008-08-23T00:21:00.000+08:00

i remember the days.
the day we met.
the day he held my hand when we got off the bus.
the night he surprised me with the candles.
the night we went jogging.
the night we ate together for the first time at Bt Timah market.

the mornings he knocked on my door to surprise me with breakfast.
the days he bought a packet of milk for me each day.
the day he rode on his bicycle to 7-11 to get nachos for me at 3am.
the nights we played tennis together.

the Saturday that I had to go to school, and he had a haircut, bought New Paper, and sat by LRT station to wait for me so he could walk me home.

the night i made him cry.
the days and nights we spent, cooking together and being so simple and happy.

the first day he made me upset and quickly rode on his bicycle to look for me at the clubhouse, bringing with him a sincerely-written postcard and some chocolates.

and back then, he was already such a tu king!
i remember i was with amos and amos was yelling at him to get his ass here quickly cuz he made me angry. and i could tell he was already rushing here and there.. but still, he took damn long to get here!! i also cannot figure out why.

thinking back, it's so funny.

thinking back, thinking back.

but is there any point in thinking back?

i think God put all of us here for a purpose.
And if I ever did hinder ur purpose or ur dreams.... i would never ever want that to do that.

I say, go and fulfill your dreams. If that's what you believe, go ahead and do it and be happy. For I would never ever want to stand between you and your true purpose.

2008-08-22T22:07:00.001+08:00

Today was another alone-day for me but it wasnt lonely!
Cuz I was deep in my own world.

As I was on the bus, or just walking, or just stoning, or eating lunch while waiting... something came into my mind.

U know, i think sis asked me before if i would adopt kids. And I always said Hmm, I still think it's better to have my own kids.

But you know, today I was just in my own world... and I just had this very very very strong thought. And it was really stirring deep inside my heart. Stirring so passionately.

If I dont get married by 30, I want to adopt children.

I am serious.

Ok I know, my parents will probably freak out.

Because, who in her freaking retarded mind would do that??!!

If I do that, I think I will never get married already.

Because which guy in his right mind will want to marry a girl with adopted children in tow??!! It isn't logical! It's completely stupid, you might say.

Well, I believe there are still good guys around who care about more than economics and stuff. But then again, lets forget that because there are good guys around but good guys won't like me anyway.

But you know, I really want to do that.

I think no matter what, I want to have children.

I dont know why and I know nobody understands. Because all my friends ask me why Im so completely crazy and retarded to want to tie myself down.

But to me, it's not a burden AT ALL! I dont know why but maybe God made me this way, and it's just a burning passion deep inside of me.

In fact, yes i know i look very child-like n immature n childish n whatever.. but seriously, if i had the choice, i am ready to be a mother now.

Of course, we will never know la. Maybe I am not as ready as I think I am la. But whatever it is, it is just a burning passion deep inside of me.

So if I do not get married by like maybe 30 or I dont know, I seriously want to adopt children and raise them as my own.

yes I know, a lot are at stake. Money as well as my own happiness (cuz Im so convinced that guys are so practical these days, they will NEVER want to marry a girl with kids in tow and even if there are such guys, well, i wont be lucky enough to get a guy like that)

But then, whatever it is, it is something I feel so much for.

Ok maybe the things Im saying can easily be dismissed as empty talk. And yes, reasonably so.

Because from now til then, I never know what's going to happen.
Maybe one day, something will happen and I will hate kids?
Maybe I will die before I reach 30?
Maybe I will get married before 30?
The point is, nobody knows what's going to happen.
But well, just let me be in my own world. Maybe it will indeed happen? Maybe not? Nobody knows :)

P/S Ok im back to say some things.. i just did some research on single parent adopting.. and well, i just want to say that im not thinking of adopting kids just because I'm 'lonely', or want to 'have more meaning n love other than my work and my cat'...

i've always loved kids so much! not just because i cannot get married then i grab them to distract me!

actually, even if im married, i think it'd be really good to adopt too.

of course, i know i know, a lot are at stake.. a lot of things to consider.. dont worry, im not compeltely retarded as u think i am!

it's just a thought! let me be!

2008-08-21T12:38:00.001+08:00

I am sitting still, I think of Angelique
Her mothers voice over me
And the bullets in the wall
where it fell silent

And on a thousandth hill, I think of Albertine
there in her eyes what I don't see with my own
rwanda

now that I have seen, I am responsible
Faith without deeds is dead
Now that I have held you in my own arms, I cannot let go till you are

I am on a plane across a distant sea
But I carry you in me and the dust on, the dust on, the dust on my feet
Rwanda

I will tell the world, I will tell them where I've been
I will keep my word
I will tell them Albertine

What a simple song yet it touches me so much. The first time I heard it, it didnt sound super nice. Didnt know what she was saying, didnt know what she meant, didnt really care too.

Until I replayed it. Over and over again.

I'm just so touched by her. I think she's really very inspiring.

She was on a trip to rwanda to visit her sponsor child. And there she met another girl called Albertine, who changed her life and inspired her to write this song.

I think what she says makes so much sense.

Now that I have seen, I am responsible.

I think it's very true.

I want to go to Africa. Or anywhere else in the world.
I think we all should.

You know why?

Because I think, once you cradle a starving, dying African baby in your arms... I think you will never be the same again.

We are all so distant, here in our own consumer society, in our computer land. We see pictures of them and that's about it.

But I think it'd be so different to see, to truly know, to feel.

I think we all have it inside of us.
That little bit of light, the little bit of goodness.

We all have it.
That conscience, that compassion.
Yes, that COMPASSION.
i think we all have it deep inside.

Whether we are jaded human beings bored sick of going to sch or work.
Or gungho egoistic guys who dont show their emotions.
Or girls who are too vain and materialistic to care much.

No matter who we are, I think we all have it inside. That compassion, and conscience.

I think if you ever get to cradle a starving African baby in your arms, you will never see things the same again.

Here we are, complaining whining about whatever things.

Yes everybody has their problems and gets sad now and then.

But I believe we'll never understand the meaning of true devastation. Or despair. Or hopelessness.

We can get sad over results, over friends, or boyfriend-girlfriend-neighbour-friend-whatnots because our basic needs are all met and we are all so caught up in our own worlds.

But if you are struggling to survive each day. Each hour. Without food, with nothing. And there seems to be no hope, no answer. I don't think you'll have the energy to care about who friend you or who dont friend you.

I think we're all so fortunate, so blessed.
And in the midst of thanksgiving, we should never forget or leave behind the rest.

Right now, I'm still at an age where I still need to get parental consent on most things. I'm like not a kid, but not yet an adult either.

But if I had my own say, I think I would have taken off.

Because I dont want to sit here and just talk about it.
I want to do something.

Now that I have seen, I am responsible.

If we know the truth and what's happening out there, I really cannot bring myself to sit down here and shake legs and pretend I dont know anything.

And I know some people might say they just dont care.

But no I believe. Yes I believe, that we all have it inside of us. That light, that love, that compassion. I believe we all do.

So now, even though we're young and might not be able to do much, it's never too late to start.

Even though I know we cannot change the way the world works, we cannot change the situation much.

But at least, at least. we can do whatever we can do.

And pray.

And who knows. Maybe one day good things might happen.

Well, I choose to believe.

2008-08-20T22:07:00.000+08:00

i want to go on a road trip.
i want to see the world.

except that now i have no more partner.

but it's okay. i guess it's fine...
i can still go look for my cousins.
that's the good thing about having cousins in thailand, australia, america.

it's okay if i have to walk the path alone.
i guess.. i only have myself to blame.

2008-08-16T22:47:00.001+08:00

After all's been said and done.

We could stay another day in this confusion, in this apathy.
Let it permeate us til we're numb through.
But while we're waiting, we could try saving the world.

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Take this ocean of pain that is mine.
Throw me a lifeline.

I would give anything to make you better
I would give anything to point you to freedom
I would give anything to help you realise.

[from brooke fraser's songs]

2008-08-14T23:41:00.000+08:00

I felt very encouraged, very strong.

Maybe it's the almost complete lack of human interaction these two days. Maybe it's the time of the month?

I really didnt want to cry.

But I was talking to ivan, his friend, and he was also telling me that "nobody wants to see you two apart, that's the general consensus from the camp guys."

That was very nice really.

But still, nobody sees the big picture.

I didnt give up. i never did. And I'm still waiting.

But I guess I'm still waiting for nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Maybe I just feel lonely. Maybe it's because I'm ill. Maybe it's because my head is heavy, my stomach is giving me problems again. Maybe it's because I hurt my toe.

But above all, maybe I'm just... ... stupid.

i cant stop crying. cuz i keep asking myself why. and i really really dont know. the grief is just.... so deep inside, i cant get it out.

2008-08-13T23:54:00.000+08:00

My mum talked to me again and after her talk, it made me feel more troubled and confused than ever.

There were many times when circumstances proved that "Mother knows best".
But this time, I can't help but think that my mum is but human too and her advice are not completely sound as they are formed by her own experiences and feelings too. No doubt she has much more life experiences than me. But this time... I just feel that.. well, i dont know.

Can't help but feel wistful about things.

Time is passing by really quickly.
Seriously, i feel like such an old soul.

I saw my favourite and closest junior's facebook and it dawned upon me that even he has really grown up! My chubby, childish, completely innocent junior who was really like my little brother. He has grown up. He's working in a pub, he's riding a motorbike and learning to drive. And he has seen more things than me now that he turns around and says that I am too innocent and have never seen many things. Haha.

I can't help but feel old!

Each day is going to come and pass. I'm already 20. That's maybe approximately a quarter of my journey here, assuming a lifespan of 80 years. But not many get to live til that age actually. So I'm more than a quarter into the end of my journey here.

I know, 20 is still very young, but i really cant help but feel that time is really going to pass really quickly.

Soon, our parents will start to depart. And our siblings. It'll be really quick. A blink of an eye.

So how much more time do you want to waste? Roaming around and practically just drifting around without a purpose, without a direction and sitting there all day thinking and brainstorming about your direction? By the time u finally decide, u would have wasted another few more years.

Sometimes, thinking just won't do. You will end up sitting there for ages, thinking, thinking, thinking about nothing. The more you think, you more you get nothing out of it. Sometimes, you should move and do something. Follow your heart.

Well, I shalln't say much. As the lord leads.

2008-08-13T15:56:00.001+08:00

Lonely, Im so lonely!
Haha im not really complaining la. Just that I was alone today at both my lectures.. For my psy lecture, by now, all the majors would more or less know one another.. So everybody were in groups, catching up on the holidays.. but I always have no friend! boo. I was standing alone, looking at everybody chit chatting.

I also dont know why. My senior say I have low self-esteem! Hahahahaha. she say that is why I don't dare to make friends. True? I dont really think so. But maybe it's true too. Cuz u know, 95% of the ppl here are all so hip and stylish and go clubbing.. i wouldn't have anything much to talk to them. Or rather, they wouldn't have anything to talk to me about. And by now, after a whole school year, everybody already have their own cliques. It's very hard to suddenly join in now. I'm just too out of place.

And anyway, thinking about it, they are also not really my type of people la. I'd feel very uneasy being around them as well, having to be all pretty pretty sexy, hip and loud... So.... well, i shouldn't complain but learn to enjoy my quiet moments. I'm ok with it, just that sometimes i feel really stupid standing alone all the time.

As for my Computing lecture, i went alone as well. Haha. Don't ask me why i ended up in computing of all things!! I shall not complain but be thankful that I have all my 5 mods.

Today was a very accident-prone day for me.

Maybe I was dreaming and in my own world cuz I havent talked to almost anybody the whole day.
I accidentally kiap my last finger at the door of the toilet cubicle. It was very very very painful.

And on the way home, the bus I was in nearly knocked into a taxi. So the bus jammed break and I happened to be among those standing so we all flew.

I hurt my right toe. It was very very painful again.
But there was a young girl who was more badly hurt cuz she really fell onto the floor. Hope she's better. We were stranded on the bus while the driver went down to talk (argue) with the cab driver.

Ok nothing much to say. I just want to believe that things are improving.

Anyway, she's been very ill. Yes, the dear 'she' who i don't know personally but have always admired sincerely. I didnt want to see her blog cuz i knew it'd break my heart. But i did and she's ill.. and well, i want to learn to have a big heart! A big big loving heart! i posted a get well msg for her. i sincerely hope she gets well soon...

2008-08-11T12:22:00.001+08:00

I'm still very hurt. I dont know why.

I used to read her blog every day even though I didnt know her.
Yes how stupid right?
She was my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend and I was just very fascinated by her lifestyle, how adorable and pretty she looks, how capable she is. How wonderful she just is.

I wish I was at least half like her.

But now, i really cannot read her blog anymore because once I see her face, I feel that hurt.

Even though no wrong was done against me, of course. But that hurt is just so real, so deep.

I always admired her from afar. She doesnt even know of my existence of course. But I know her everything. (It sounds real freaky I know but I assure u that I am no stalker). I know her busy life and everything.

I always liked her, I always said she's so cute and adorable, and of course, she is really really fashionable and stylish too. Always clad in the latest fashion, bold enough to try out new styles and always look good in them.

I always had really positive feelings towards her.

But now, knowing that I ended up losing to her, I dont feel bitter but I cannot see her too.

Because I dont want to be a crybaby again. Haha. What's with me.
I'm seriously a stupid crybaby. Really. I also canot tahan myself.

Maybe there're too many things these days.

Not to mention school.
It's funny how I want to study but am not given the chance too.
I am in deep trouble, I still cant get all my modules and school has already started TODAY. And Im still floating around, not knowing what Im supposed to do.

I've been screwing up almost every thing. EVERY thing.

I forgot to turn up for work, it was such a horrible feeling.
I just had a nightmare last night u know!! That I forgot to turn up for work again!

School is weighing on my mind, work is weighing on my mind, she is weighing on my heart.

But she has done no wrong against me of course and I have no bitterness against her but maybe sorrow, yes, but no bitterness. I have always admired how she is so good at everything she does. And it is no surprise now that she has surpassed me in this too.

I feel really lonely. I feel really stressed and I feel that I cannot cope. And to cope with all these alone is worse. I feel like Im going to crumble. Haha. How weak am I, to crumble just because of school, work and her. I must be the silliest and most childish person.

I feel really lonely and Im so scared going through all these trying-to-fix-what-i-screwed-up process alone. I know that in everything, I can draw strength from the Lord who never leaves me. But how nice, if the Lord would bring me some human comfort too.

But whatever it is, let that be enough. Let that be enough.

Wish I had what I needed, to be on my own.
Cuz I feel so defeated, and I'm feeling alone.

And it all seems so helpless, and I have no plans.
Im a plane in the sunset with nowhere to land.

Let me know that you hear me.
Let me know your touch.
Let me know that you love me.
Let that be enough.

2008-08-09T00:05:00.000+08:00

today, i was very sad over some words.
but i couldnt cry cuz my whole family was home.
so i took about 45 minutes to "bathe" cuz i could only cry in the toilet.
I was really heart broken, really really really hurt ='(

But tmr will be a better day.
I hope.

At least I'm still filled with hope and optimism and faith. Where some seem to have already given up.

2008-08-07T23:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's really the best to step back and see the big picture.
I admit, a few weeks ago, I was always very fixated on the fact that Rvn is this and that. That he doesnt sms me, or call me, and doesnt seem to show me any concern. I was very fixated with the wrong things he did and the things he didnt do.

But slowly, I've cooled down and I see things better now.
But it seems to be a little too late.

I was looking through all my smses that day. I always thought that rvn is a guy who doesnt show his concern and doesnt really care about me but to my surprise, I found so many msgs from him that were really sweet.

Why didnt I see it?
I was just too fixated on his inadequacies instead of his good too.

I miss the days when we were so happy, so simple.
and I am so comfortable with him.

I was telling sis that I want rvn only.

Ya maybe he's very cold to me sometimes, he doesnt seem to care sometimes, he's too occupied with his own activities and he finds it a chore to look for me.

But then, he's the only one who loves me for me.
And that is the most important thing.

He accepts me as I am, no matter how much of a bitch I ever was.

I know it sounds really stupid but... i only like rvn. haha. Because he is so cute and cuddly and chubby! :) Haha hah!

I only like rvn because he understands me so well. When we go out and eat, I dont even need to say. He knows what kind of food I like to eat.

And we both like to cook together.

Yes he's not very romantic or nice to me as I would like.
But he has all his good points too.

Today was the last lesson of Sis and my cooking course.

This afternoon, we tried cooking one of the dishes we learned and it was good! Even her grandmother said it was good!

We were very happy.

I want to cook for rvn to eat.
If Im given the chance.

2008-08-06T16:51:00.000+08:00

i treated my girl to bubble tea today and she was so happy. haha i dote on her so much. kids say the darnest things dont they? she kept telling me "ticher, i think you very poor thing."
"Why?"
"Cuz you're very tanned."

Haha no link right. But when they make comments like that, it just makes me laugh. Cuz i think kids are the only human beings left who speak with no intended malice, no deliberate censorship. they are as genuine as humans can get.

I walked all the way home after work. It took me half an hour. Just felt like walking in the breeze, it was so nice really!

I thought about a lot of things.. no not emo-mo-mo-ness.. but just thinking here and there..

I thought of Rvn and how he's still very much here in my heart. And that I still see the goodness in him and I'm still willing to wait for him to slowly change and also, for myself to improve. There is nothing that cannot be worked out :) And I still believe in him.

I thought of Jk. I wonder what he's up to. And it occured to me that sometimes, maybe guys are like that? They have no actual reason for their behaviour but some guys just want to target a girl and just get her for the sake of it. They dont purposely want to hurt girls or what but somehow, they just do it for no particular reason.Well, maybe.

I thought of Becky. Of how much I still love her even though I havent seen her in 2 years and how my heart still feels for her and how much I really want to be there for her but really dont know how to start. My heart aches a lot for her. She is still very important to me. Very. I want to be there for her and make sure she knows that she hasn't been forsaken by any one of us. Not at all. Not when there're still the few of us here who genuinely care about her, believe in her and see the good in her. I dont want anything bad to happen to her.

I thought of Weeboon. This Sunday is supposed to be his 20th birthday. It's amazing a year has passed since he left. But the hurt is still there. When KT and I were talking about him, our hearts still sank the same way they did on that very day last year. And the mood was just very very very deeply solemn. When sis and I talked about him yesterday night, I saw the tears in sis' eyes. The hurt is still there, the grief is still there. But it has been one year and the world went on as usual with or without him.

I thought of Chimpang. How he has been so upset about friendship. He has been very very hurt.

I thought of Bel and her own troubles and hurts as well.

I feel that these days, my conversations with my close friends have all been rather solemn or angry cuz suddenly, everybody seems to be having problems.

And I really want to help them and be there for them. I really really want to.

And while I was thinking, God reminded me that all things will pass, all things will fade but His word.

2008-08-04T20:57:00.001+08:00

I had a long talk over sms with rvn today. It's weird how we can spend hours arguing & debating but when we were together, didn't have a single free minute to talk for weeks.

Just want to clear some air. Im not having fun neither am I enjoying my life. He thinks Im enjoying my life without him, and vice versa. But all I can say is I have to cope with it what, if not how? And anyway, he doesnt see it when I cry.

I didnt mention but over the last week alone.. only seven days.. and I really got to see how ugly and horrible guys can be.

Like what my friend says, ren shi fan jian de.

Or rather, i got to see how despicable guys can be.

Of course not all guys are like that.

And that's why i feel that at the end of the day, my heart is still loyally with rvn because I still feel he's the nicest guy i've met. He really is.

He neglects me because he is maybe blur or confused but I believe that he doesnt do it on purpose or anything. He doesnt have any bad intention.

Maybe one day he will learn to treat me better. Or treat his next girlfriend better. But whatever it is, he is really a good guy. He is the most faithful, loyal guy I've ever known and I will still attest to his good character.

I miss him a lot. Maybe one day we'll learn to treat each other better. Maybe one day, he'll learn to care for me more and I'll learn to stop focusing on his flaws and cherish his good points.

2008-08-02T23:08:00.002+08:00

I had such a long & fruitful day!

Went back to sch for a carnival with sis & chimpang. We visited our favourite teachers and it was really really nice. I got hug my favourite teacher like 3 times?? Haha so nice. I miss her a lot. Gotta visit her at her house soon :)

I miss the old gang. But there's so much awkwardness now between them and it's split. Im on one side with Chimpang and I want to talk to the other guys on the other side but it's awkward so I didn't but I was actually msging with them. I just felt so sad. Why can't we all be together like we used to in the past?? And just sit around and laugh and be happy? Instead of being split up now and Im between everybody, neither here nor there?

Chimpang & I sat by the playground we all used to hang out at and just listened to old songs. I miss this place. This was the place we all hung out together, including weeboon. And this was the very first place we gathered when we found out the news and just sat there, waiting to tell our teachers.

A few more days, it's going to be Weeboon's birthday.

I miss this place. The memories are all we have.

At night, I met another 2 friends for dinner. They asked about my boyfriend. And halfway through, I dont know why, I started crying. Haha yes, shame shame. I keep saying and repeating that I wash my hands off everything but I dont know why I still cry. Maybe I just feel this deep sense of injustice and stupidity that I wasted 2 years and got nothing and I have no one to blame cuz I did everything voluntarily.

Speaking of which, my friends keep tellling me "Eh, give rvn another chance la. Actually, he quite nice la."

But you don't get it!

(1) I never ever said he's not nice!!! He really is a very nice person!! Really! I will still say he's one of the best people I've ever known!

But the main thing is... this is funny. Everybody's asking me to give him another chance but he doesn't want another chance!!!! after we broke up, he never really looked for me or smsed me or called me except for once.

He doesn't WANT a chance, my dear friends!!

Haha seems like you guys are taking it harder than me man. It's almost as though you guys can't believe that it's over but it really is over because he doesn't even want a chance because "it's a chore to him" and he's "not suitable for a girlfriend". I think I got these 2 main points in my head already. It's time I really accepted it instead of trying to push things.. I can't possibly still shamelessly offer myself to him and tell him Im giving him another chance right ?! That is the stupidest thing to do! He doesn't even want a chance and he's not even interested and.. i dont know what to say already la.. he just doesn't bother when it comes to me because i am nothing to him and he has proven that to me enough times.

I have to admit, Im kind of heart broken that he move on even faster than me! Haha cuz on his facebook, he's already changing everything and what planning road trip with his buddies..

I feel quite sad. Cuz I feel that at the start of army, he needed me so much and I was there for him. Now, he has his buddies and they are his world and there is no need for me.

Well, fair enough. Nobody ever forced me to do anything.. I just keep crying cuz I feel stupid. that at the end of 2 years, Im still the one feeling sad while he's so happy and free and unaffected.

But if this is the way it has to be... well then, I wipe my shit and tomorrow comes anyway! What can I do? Haha

Sorry that I ended up talking about this again. My friends also keep scolding me and telling me I should stop mulling over it and crying if I really want to forget the whole thing cuz Im just torturing myself. But I dont know why. Im crying cuz I feel very... i dont know the word.. a deep sense of injustice? Cuz I really dont know what I ever did or what is so damn lousy about me to make him treat me this way and be so extremely nonchalent towards me.

Whatever it is, today was really happy but also really emo. I miss our sec sch, those carefree days.. i miss the old gang.. and we were wondering where weeboon disappeared to. It's like he just disappeared.

2008-08-01T01:18:00.002+08:00

I dont know what you're doing. And Im so damn bothered!
You know what?
You're the one who is good TO me but not good FOR me.

i thought a lot today and i caught myself and asked myself why im even thinking so much!
Sis is right! or rather, Keith is right! i should know better. this is a seasoned 'layer we're talking about. And i am but one of the many.
Really want to wash my hands off it all.

anyway, had a really long and tiring but eventful day today! And im really thankful for new and great friends like Siti, Andy, Joys, Venet, SH.. they're really great people =) Hope to see them sometimes again.. and might be taking a mod or two with them too! We were damn funny gossiping and joking about our low status... about how dispensable we were.. and also sharing our experiences... and stealing food.. and just talking cock really.. haha they're damn funny! i dont regret coming at all now! haha :))) thanks guys!

2008-07-31T23:38:00.000+08:00

freaking tired. im so screwed. i forgot to turn up for work yesterday cuz i've been just too tired and busy, i totally forgot. deep shit! but luckily, my boss is very kind and understanding. she didnt scold me. just imagine, kid turning up for tuition and the 'cher forgot to appear!

anyway, i think i need constant reminders! Sis, please remind me about what is Not good FOR me, but good TO me is actually not good at all! Haha.
Of course, what is good FOR me, but Not good TO me is also.. hmm not very good. But maybe better than the former!

i have to be smarter than that!

i feel lonely sometimes. but sis has really been accompanying me super a lot. and she helps me to look forward to life and im actually starting to get excited about my new life! Our new life! Haha cannot say what it is cuz people confirm will laugh at us for being stupid. But we're happy.

well, a constant joyful expectation of good. that sounds very logical. =)

thank you Sis. I actually feel very happy. H-A-P-P-Y!!!

im also happy cuz chimpang got a job at sentosa! yes!so now, we definitely have every excuse to go find him! haha

and yesterday, amos told me a piece of very very very good news. Im really happy and excited for him :) FINALLY, Amos!!!!!! And he said that he only told me! Not even his own sister! And when I said Im honoured, he said "You're my best friend".

ISN'T THAT SO SWEET????? :)
That really made me beam and it completely made my day!

It feel so wonderful to be surrounded by my lovely friends and really feel so loved by them. They show me that there is so much more to waiting every day and night for a person's msg/call and restricting myself from going out and tis and that and it's not even appreciated.

It's okay u know. Im over that. He never called me or smsed me at all. It really is pretty pointless to still mull over someone who doesn't really want to be with me at all!

Even though my friends still like him a lot and they all keep saying that "Eh, our vote is still with rvn!" But they also say they dont know why he behaves like that.

So it's like, I've been standing by him for 2 years, and even my friends are all so supportive of him and really like me being with him. But he is really a letdown to all of us and also, to himself. I dont know, he is nice, but he just doesnt have that... drive, that motivation or that urgency to be with me. He is just too... nonchalent, completely heck care. And he keeps apologising and saying that he's lazy that's why. Is that valid? I dont think so.

And what is the point of hanging on to someone who doesnt really bother or doesn't really want to be with me?

He is the one who is good FOR me, but not good TO me.

Yes it is better than the one who is good TO me, but not good FOR me.

But still, im pretty tired of all these and i think my mum's right again, that we should never ever believe in what "Love will change a person". Because it's just not true!

A person will just remain the way he is. Either you take it, or leave it. But never ever expect to change him cuz you will just be disappointed.

So I decided, as I've done, that I really don't want to be with a person who doesn't really want to be with me cuz im just hurting myself.

All's been said.

2008-07-30T20:43:00.000+08:00

the 3 of us are experiencing deep pain at having to leave our cosy island.
haha.

i think people will call us sua ku cuz sentosa is like so common and plain to them. but to us, being there for 3 days, with each other was really.. a totally new world.

we were msging each other today that our souls are still back in those 3 really enjoyable days.

i dont know how to say. we just enjoyed each other's company so much. it's more than just mere "enjoyment". it was pure family.

we took care of each other, we had very very simple fun and we were just so happy.

i wish we could just be in that familiar shelter forever and never have to leave.

or like chimpang put it, for 3 days, we woke up and saw each other every day and it was just so... happy. (of course, i was always the LAST to wake up!)

i know it sounds damn crazy. it's just a freaking chalet!!??! nobody goes home thinking so much about a chalet other than how 'fun' it was.

but i dont know man. it wasn't just mere fun. it was true joy. we were really very happy.

and of course, it wasn't any other chalet. it was the 3 of us (with bel initially but she couldnt make it) and we deliberately kept it to just the 3 of us. it wasnt a chalet for fun, or for a huge gathering, or for a wild party.. it was a chalet just for the 3 of us and we were really family for that 3 memorable days.

I have so much to say actually but i just dont know where or how to start. so many things happened.

we were walking around and this lady suddenly approached us with tickets in hand. we were quite wary cuz we didnt know what she wanted. and guess what, she offered us FREE tickets to the Song of the Sea!

Yes it's nothing great really. No million dollar bucks or anything. But we were contemplating about going and we didnt go cuz we didnt want to waste money and suddenly, here's somebody offering us free tickets.

We were damn stunned. It was 7:20pm. So we thanked her with our stunned faces and went in for the 7:40pm show right away. And we were really damn stunned. Like we were walking around then before we know anything, here we are seated among hundreds of people at the show.

We really enjoyed the show, it was really special to us.

Haha i feel that in this pic, we're still quite stunned about what happened. But anyway, it's so memorable. It's my wallpaper!

I love you Sis & Chimpang! Cuz I know you two are family. And no matter what, it's the three of us. It used to be, it is now, and it always will be. We have cried our hardest together, we have laughed our loudest together too.

And it's the both of you who show me how happiness can be so simple! We didn't have any solid plans for our chalet. In fact, most of the time, we were just in our chalet cooking (or "PLaying") with cup noodles, playing card games, watching the 1am old TV shows, shitting cuz got diarrhea from the rotten cup noodles, going round sentosa in the tram round and round and round... people will think we're damn stupid.. but it was the happiest time i ever had with the two of you since so long.

I miss the 2 of you. Seven years together might not be super duper long but we really have been there for one another through the darkest times.

Thanks for always being there. That no matter what time or when I call, you are always there to answer. This is something I will improve on so I can also be there for you.

You both are so important to me.

2008-07-29T20:13:00.000+08:00

back from chalet! it was very eventful and we were very touched by a lot of good, unexpected things that happened to us here and there. Thank God =) We were very touched and thanking God for his kindness.

quite a bunch of photos taken but im too tired to upload them now.

all i can say is:
we're thrown back to reality now. and it's really bad, we were very very sad to leave. 3 days completely in our own world. it was just very happy.

and i just want to say also, that im more than disappointed about him cuz i think i've proven myself right that i really mean nothing to him. nothing at all. he did call me for 3 minutes yesterday but it was only because jek asked him to call. and besides that, there's nothing at all. nothing.

if i were important to him, he would be thinking of ways to mend things and not rushing to change his status to 'single'.

it's ok. i learn. i will learn to be happy being single. everything has its pros and cons and i will learn to be happy being free from the reins of a relationship, just like how he's happy too. maybe it's for the best.

well, there's no point mopping over it. i really like this phrase haha that life is fuked up sometimes but you wipe your shit and tomorrow comes anyway. i'm learning to let go and not take everything too seriously and learn to be happy. that's important.

i changed my ringtone! haha sorry just a random note. it's damn funny. chimpang, sis and i have the same ringtone. it started out with me irritating chimpang cuz he was saying he finds it irritating when people have the same ringtone as him and he doesn't know if it's his phone thats ringing. so i immediately changed mine to the same one! damn funny. i get a kick out of hearing the song each time and wondering whose phone it is!

2008-07-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

tmr's our chalet. actually, it's not really our chalet anymore. it's more of chimpang's class chalet! Hah. not that im complaining cuz we were the ones who did tell him that he can call his friends. So ya, just hope things will be alright..

i know my temper's been quite bad! really, i admit and i dont feel very good about it. I've been snapping at a lot of people! i can be such a devil huh.

but anyway, thank God people have been very understanding as well.

today my mum brought home a small stack of christian books that her colleague passed to her. i read through one and it really gave me some insight. i learned some things which i never knew. looking forward to church tmr!

rvn and i are no longer together, i know it's like i dunno the number what time we're breaking up. it's so immature and childish but we never used to be like that. it's just too bad that things became so bad.

this time, i really hope it'll stay this way cuz im also very tired of patching up and then crying and hurting again and then breaking up again and the whole meaningless cycle. im sure he's also just as tired.

like he said, i tried to accomodate his nonchalence towards me and he also did try to put in a little more effort but things just didnt work out. well, we tried.

i guess at the end of the day, we just realise that we really are not what the other is looking for.

he wants a girlfriend who is very very very independent and he desn't want to look for her or call her or anything, except once in a long while (maybe around 2 weeks).

i am independent, but i am not as independent as he wants me to be cuz i dont think there's any meaning in such a long distance relationship when we are just 2 bus stops apart.

on my part, i want a guy who will love me and dote on me. i guess that's quite a common request of every girl?

he is nice, but towards me, he is not as caring and understanding as i would like him to be.

so, we are both fine but we just dont meet each other's expectations. we are both not-bad people but we are just not suitable for each other.

well, we'll see what happens.

2008-07-24T22:36:00.000+08:00

I am really upset. And I knew things like these would happen.
I always believed that people bring me a lot of unnecessary problems & I'd be better off alone.
I was right.
Just when I started to think I should make more friends etc, all the pressure starts coming back.

This Saturday, I have a wedding to attend, a singing practice to attend and Im supposed to meet sis & Chimpang to buy food for our BBQ.

And everything clashed.

But I had already promised to attend the singing practice & my friends also counted me in for the wedding already.

But Sis & Chimpang, very understandably, feel that I should skip the wedding and go with them cuz anyway, the guy getting married isn't someone close!

Well, that makes sense, yes.

So I msged my friend and said, Im not going for the wedding.

And I get all these sarcasm back.

"What? Please tell me you're joking.. right?"

So if I skip wedding, they are angry.

If I go for wedding, Sis & Chimpang also not very happy and understandably so cuz it means I never help to buy anything.

EVERYBODY's SO FUKED UP.

There is Only ONE OF ME so what am I supposed to do seriously??

And it's happened so many times.

So I replied that Ok, I will skip my another event for the wedding and fuk another group of people up. Hope you're happy then.

Everybody wants me to go for this and that and this and that. Every week is like that.

And if I dont go, I get blamed for pulling the disappearing act.
or I get blamed for not answering calls or smses.

I am really upset.

So am I supposed to go around and make everybody happy? If you want me to go for this, ok I go. If you want me to go for that, ok i go.

But Im really not even interested in being there!

Im just giving you face here and there only.

And if I don't go, you make things difficult for me by being so sarcastic?

So I assume that everything is my fault right?

No matter what I go, I am going to make a group of people unhappy and at the end of the day, everything is my fault.

yes, it is my stupid fault for being involved in so many things.

Singing practice, Chalet and so many more. They all seemed so exciting and fun at first and they still are but everybody expects me to be at so many places at once.

And they give me that face "Who ask you to go for wedding? Come for our this thing la."

"Or who ask you go for what BBQ?? My god. Obviously a wedding is more important!"

Everybody will always have their own things to say. So who am I suppose to follow? No matter what, I will be the one at fault. Did anybody ever ask me what I would like to go for?

you know, I really regret. All this stupid shit about being more involved. Maybe Im the stupid one who doesnt know how to plan my time. But really, it's out of my control that everything falls on the weekends! There's only 2 days!

I feel so fuked up now, i dont want to attend anything. Please, next time don't ask me to go for what practice or wedding or whatever. Im not interested.

I knew that people are trouble and nothing but trouble and I am right.

And I won't be so stupid to want to plan what BBQ or chalet in future. I have no mood for anything. This is so shitty.

But it's ok. I shall just stop here cuz I know I sound very childish kicking up a fuss over this.

Life is fuked up sometimes, but you wipe your shit, and tomorrow comes anyway.

2008-07-23T10:16:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I was very angry. Yea yea time to control my temper a bit. I've always had quite a bad temper! But..

I know guys have the natural urge to perve. Right?

So well, I guess it's kind of okay.

I used to have a male friend who always ogles girls' bums so obviously right in front of me. I always felt disgusted by it but I told myself, never mind la, close one eye, pretend never see.

But yesterday it was really gggrrrrr.

I guess I piled on a little more makeup than usual cuz my job yesterday required it. But besides that, it was just jeans & long hair, the usual feminine look, nothing special.

So I sat at the ulu bus stop waiting for the damn bus.

A car went past, and the middle aged driver honked and waved to me with a blardy tiko smile. I stared at him fiercely.

That was irritating but still ok. U know, all that construction workers nonsense that girls get. They're just trying to be irritating but never mind, it's not that bad.

Then later, another car went past and this time it was a young driver and he actually slowed down to a really slow speed (the road is very ulu), and wound down the window, and actually looked right at me and hwee-u-hwee me.

Now that was blardy irritating. That was very very fuked up.

Must you wind down your window & piss me off like that????

Later, another car went pass and his window was already wound down and he looked at me and hwee-u-hwee again.

And it was only what.... EIGHT MINUTES??? And u have 3 blardy bastards irritating the hell out of u like that???

I tell u, I was really BOILING WITH ANGER.
I told myself I wanted to point him the middle finger but well, Im a coward's cow dung. No guts at all.

But REALLY, MUST YOU DO THAT????!

Damn fuked up. If you want to hwee-u-hwee, you don't do it to girls. You do it to your bird when you can't pee, fuking bastard!

Sorry man, but Im really pissed beyond control!

Where is your respect man????!

Please, whether you treat girls as a toy an object or whatever is none of my fuking business. But at least, please show others a little respect!

Well, before you snigger to yourself quietly & think Im trying to indirectly say that Im very pwetty so got guys hwee-u-hwee, sorry thats not what I mean at all. (it's so time consuming to keep debunking any potential ruse that can be used against me.) These stupid men probably do this to any other girl! Because they are so fuking horny & irritating, they just cannot resist the urge to do that.

Stupid shit.

I was so pissed ok. I was really boiling mad & I really stared at them. If I was more gungho like my mum, I would have pointed middle finger at them.

Wat the hell. Try to be funny with me.

So bloody pissed. Just because you have two balls & a cork, you have the right to be so cocky?

U know, if guys really have the natural urge to perve, maybe it's not so bad. If you stare, if you look, it's not that bad. But come on, don't go beyond the line and go & whistle at other people or deliberately wave to them or whatever shit cuz u're trying to be funny. That is DAMN BLARDY FUKING DEGRADING & IRRITATING & DISRESPECTIVE.

All guys are just... horny bastards.

Really you know! I HATE guys to touch me. NOBODY SHOULD TOUCH ME AT ALL!

There was once a guy buddy who thought we were very close or what so I cant remember but he put his arm on my shoulder like buddy buddy. Even though it was nothing sleazy, I was damn disgusted. And I tell you, I totally wont give you face. I really shook his arm off in a very obvious manner.

I also have guy friends who like to hug girls when they see them. I TOTALLY HATE THAT TOO! I was talking to jie about it and she said she doesnt like it too but she doesnt want to embarrass the person so she will like at least take his hand and shake his hand or something.

But for me, I TOTALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN! If you try to hug me, and YOU KNOW I HATE IT, I won't give u face. I just moved away very obviously.

Hey maybe Im a conservative pok or whatever. If you're so hip & angmoh and must kiss kiss hug hug, please find your own type of people to kiss kiss hug hug with! Not everybody likes that!

SO I HATE GUYS TO TOUCH ME! I don't care if you're my best guy friend, my close buddy, my childhood friend or whatever shit. I HATE IT! So don't you dare touch me. Whether it's my shoulder or head or whatever.

I know sometimes it's with good intentions. There was once I kept coughing very badly so my very good friend started like patting my head like a little child. But I just felt very irritated. DON'T TOUCH ME!

Im very particular about that & I am blardy sensitive to that ok. DON'T TOUCH ME horny bastards. Go & touch your girlfriends or your stupid girl-friends who let you touch them. But don't you dare touch me OR my friends who are like me.

I probably don't look like it but I can be very agressive. Because I think as a girl, I have to protect myself.

I was in this industrial park so there were a lot of men. So this man entered the lift with me. And he kept staring at me throughout u know. Very obviously stare at me throughout even though he know I was looking at him back.

Hey, at least give me a little respect. If you don't respect me, i dont think I need to respect you too.

Of course Im not so stupid to provoke him while there's only 2 of us in the lift. I waited til we were about to get out. He was still staring at me so I stared and him & did the head gesture "What?", and he looked a bit shocked.

So my dear girls, I am very sure all of you have experienced some sort or another of these type of things. You must protect yourself & show these bastards that you are not a softie who's easy to bully! You just have to be aggressive or look tough even though i know it's really very ugly for a girl to behave like that.

I know of girlfriends who got touched before by these fucking strangers.
And I really get SO BLARDY ANGRY!!!

Im like, How I wished I was there with you! I would have protected you or gone all out to bash the blardy fuker.
Really, man, you got to fight for yourself.

If any male stranger dares touch me or my friend, I tell you, this is not empty talk but Ill probably be so boiled up that I won't hesitate to really throw myself at the guy & punch him or seriously deliver a hard kick to his fuking cork since it's giving him so much trouble.

I don't care if he's stronger than me and will punch me back or whatever. I'll be too angry to care. Just typing about all these makes me so angry already. If it really happens, Im warning u, I wont hesitate.

2008-07-20T17:05:00.001+08:00

Things are gonna get really hectic! Miss BusyBee!
I've been working back at the primery skl and still working at the centre as well so it's all pretty much back to back.

Plus I have my cooking lessons now.

Plus I think Im going to start Yoga soon with sis if possible.

Plus our chalet is coming up this sunday.

Plus CHURCH!

Have I mentioned that now, my whole family goes to church with me without fail every SUnday?? Yes, my dad, my mum and my bro.

Kind of amazing really, if u knew my dad especially. he's really stern and... skeptical? But ya, even he's coming!

Im very happy I finally found this church, this family church that my family enjoys going. My mum really looks forward to it and every week she's like "Yay, Sunday can go church." And every Sunday, she tells me what she's learned.

And today, she told me she wants to be more rooted & involved in church instead of just attending service.

I saw my Sec Sch teacher Ms Lim on my 2nd visit to this church and she told me her very old grandma just started going to church. I told her my family don't come to church. And she kept telling me "It's possible. It's possible, you know."

And it is!

Im just very glad I found a church finally that I am really comfortable and happy to settle down in and really be rooted and commited to.

I think my mum and I are going to join a course soon in church together. And I'm starting to go to cell group too.

I love this cell group!!!!!!

Seriously man. I love this church.

No it's not a three-minute flush thing. I've been going to this church for the past months already. And my Aunt Sally has a lot of friends in this church too and she kept telling me "I'm very happy for you that you mummy & daddy are going too. Stay in this church..."

Cuz as everyone knows, I've been church hopping a lot. But ya, even my Aunt ask me to stay on in this church.

My church is currently expanding! Our new building will officially start in Woodlands in 2 weeks' time!! How exciting!! :)

Im so happy to be a part of this church.

It feels really different.

I've been to ... dozens of churches? Seriously, Im not kidding. I've been to both ends of the spectrum. The very charismatic ones, and the very presbytarian ones. Of course, at the end of the day, we're all the same! Brothers and sisters all!

But I guess different churches draw different people and this church is definitely a church I can bring my family to. This is a small but not that small family church. Every Sunday, I see many families come here together.

And the cell groups.. whoa.

Haha.

When I visited CG, we went round the circle and introduced ourselves. And it's like "Im in NUS".... "Im in NTU"... "NUS"... "NTU"... "NUS"... "Dentistry"... "Medicine"...

Seriously man!!!! I have 2 med students & 2 dentistry students in my CG!!! And my friend's CG has also like 2 med students???!

And the best thing is, though a lot of people my age hereare all University students and a lot are scholars and medicine-dentistry-law-pharmacy whateevr students, they are all really really really really great and humble and nice and have totally no airs at all.

Come on man. These people are the real deal! I respect and admire them so much!! They are the ones who can be proud if they wanted to!! They are the ones who can act high class if they wanted to!!! But no, they are really nice & comfortable and we're all really nice like family.

I think "family" is the word.

I've been to so many churches, been to several cell groups, and this is the only CG I really feel is a family. A real family. Where there is warmth, laughter, a lot a lot a lot a lot of sharing. Seriously, a lot of intimate sharing and so I would say, we all know each other on a different level.

I guess maybe it's cuz we're really all the same age too, all mainly Uni students, we are all the same frequency. I never see really immature teenager things here! Like who is copying whose dressing style!!? Or who likes who, who has a crush on who.

It's really mature here and we're really all very loving and happy. The first time I went, I already felt like family and we were already playing board games after CG together like mad! I'm so happy!!! :))

No airs, no fake smiles, no nothing. Everybody's really nice and down to earth.

And yes, all are from NUS, NTU or a few are visiting from some dunno what University in Glasgow or England or whatever. All smart, blessed people. But it doesn't mean the others are neglected. There's only a girl in our CG who's from Poly and she feels right at home too! She doesn't feel and isn't made to feel that hey we're all uni people here, we speak prefect english.

No such nonsense here. We're so happy!

I really like the sharing part especially.

In most other CGs, it's like "Who wants to share anything today?"
"Uhs" and "Ahs" and "Erms". Maybe it's just the atmosphere or the Asian thingy about not feeling comfortable about sharing? I dont know and hey, Im not criticising the way other CGs work ya. Like I said, regardless of which church or CG, we're all the same.

But in this CG, it's really... beautiful.
Everybody shares freely and there's no superficial "Ok today we're gonna learn about God. blah blah. Ok let's eat and play."

We talk about the scripture and then, we relate to our lives and we really share about specific examples in our lives. Very freely & comfortably.

And you hear everybody talking freely, confessing their sins to brothers and sisters, sharing their pain... talking about their fathers who had affairs, confessing about their own violent nature (hitting their family members) or confessing about their porn addiction... It's the real deal man!

And I love them for being so real.

And they show that they are really humans facing difficulties, facing temptations... and come on, it takes so much courage to confess and say these things to 18 people face-to-face. But they recognise that no, we're not here to act act and pretend to fellowship and pretend to be family.. let's try our best to make it real.. make it authentic fellowship.. and really talk and share and hold each other through and encourage each other.

I love this church. I feel that God is really blessing this church and opening doors.

Ok, this week is starting in a couple hours and things are really going to whizz by! I feel that there is so much to anticipate, so much hope.. God is on the way! No in fact, He is already there in the future.

2008-07-19T01:10:00.000+08:00

i swear im such a stupid busybody!
u know, i like to follow other people's relationship progress. im one of those who will really follow & read the blogs of others whom im not really close to to keep track of their relationships.

There was once this girl (who was a schoolmate but not exactly a very personal friend) broke up with her bf and I was damn upset. I was very very very very very very very sad. Cuz I felt that they were such a happy, loving couple and that such happy relationships do exist and I got very sad when they broke up. I really wanted them to last and be happy! But well, behind closed doors, third parties dont really know the full story.

I swear im gonna brush up my Malay soon!!!
My Hokkien is quite good already, I would say. Just ask Sis! Back in Sec Sch, my Hokkien was cmi. I got the words right but somehow, it was very off key. Now, I can more or less speak in Hokkien quite fluently.

It's damn hilarious. Every time we meet Chimpang, I learn something new. My favourite word of the moment is hian tou. Hahaha. It's like we'll always play games (either tai dee, mahjong or monopoly) and we'll start playing & arguing and go "Why, not happy? Hian tou la!" Like flip the table, like those Hong Kong triads movie.

Sorry, it's damn stupid.

But I kind of take pride in it a lot u know. I mean, these days, how many of us are actually speak our dialects properly? Everybody's too caught up with maintaining their Ang Moh image. "We are University students. We do not speak Hokkien like them uncivilised barbaric ITE students."

My God. Shallow idiots.

Anyway the uncivilised barbarian thing is Chimpang himself who said it. He gets that kind of shit a lot, i guess.

But these Uni kiddos are the real gundoos ok. Who say speak Hokkien means uncivilised barbarian. And who say you must speak Hokkien only? They don't have the flexibility to know how to be good in English when need be, and also, be reasonably fluent in dialect to communicate with maybe the elderly if need be.

Im going to brush up on my Melayu, get more pro in my Hokkien, and start learning Thai seriously so I can pepper my speech & informal writing with all of them. That's damn bloody cool ok!

But then again, Im actually not Hokkien =x I dont know how to speak my own actual dialect but it's cuz nobody in my family really knows how to speak it already. So sad right? By the next generation, it will really fade.

2008-07-18T23:46:00.000+08:00

I have something to announce!!! So exciting!

Yesterday was the first time Sis and I went CLUBBING together!!! OH MY GAWD!!!

Pardon me if u think im such a blardy loser I have to announce it here like it's such a big deal!!

CLUBBING LEH!! My sis and I together. Damn happy.

dots.

Ok lah. If you know us, you'd know that's totally impossible.

But we did go clubbing.
We went to Community Club!!!

Haha! So funny! I think Im very funny!!!!!
Sorry I know, no eggs please even though it's so lame.

Know what? We actually signed up for a Western Cooking Course together. And we were of course, the youngest. The rest were all uncles & aunties. We were the noobs but we learned a lot.

Sis was saying she really felt like an Auntie. Well, I did too. Then it occured to me. HEy! We're clubbing too! This is our CLUB!

Ok la I know there's so much leeway there isn't it. It's not even Community Club, it's Community Centre. But heck, doesnt matter. We're happy.

We accept that this is our type of Club and this is the way we are and I'm trying to be happy. No I mean, I AM happy! Haha. Im looking forward to the next lesson.

And Im really inspired by Sis. She really goes out and put in the effort to improve & enrich herself.

Now Im suddenly damn siao on about courses. I went to 3 CCs to get their courses lists already.

It's so exciting! I didnt know CCs had so many things going on! Pilates, Yoga, Cooking, Thai!

I want to learn Thai & Im seriously thinking of going for Yoga with sis too cuz Yoga is good for my back and for so long, I've been doing rubbish Yoga exercises on my own recommended by my doc Terence like 4 years ago? So for the past 4 years, I dont even know if Im doing it right.

But I think it's so meaningful really. To learn something interesting. I'll have something to look forward to then instead of going through the mundane routines of life.

All thanks to Sis!! She's helping me find a little meaning!

Well, I have to be fair to rvn and give him a little credit.

In the afternoon, he called me for 3 minutes and it was damn freaking shitty. He had told me he was booking out today 2 weeks ago but he suddenly said he didnt say that and he's gonna book out on saturday instead. The booking out on Sat part is fine but I just hate it when he always say "I got say meh?". It happened too many times and it just makes me feel like shit, waiting for nothing only to hear that.

But at night, halfway through the cooking course, he appeared suddenly. I was damn shocked when I suddenly saw him peering in through the window. That was a real surprise man.

Well, he was nice and I appreciate it a lot that he made the effort to be nice and to surprise me.

Just hope it'll last.

Well, over the past weeks, a lot have changed including my mindset too. I dont know why but I suddenly, seriously, really think that I dont want to get married and have children so early.

I guess last time I felt very secure in the way things were. Rvn and me, saving up for marriage.

But now, even though Rvn & me are generally ok, but Im just shaken by things and I just feel that things in life arent that simple and nothing is that secure.

So suddenly, Im thinking that I dont want to get married early and have children and tie myself down. That's stupid! Haha. Finally Im agreeing with all of you. That's really kind of stupid to want to do something lke that to yourself voluntarily.

And suddenly, I think all my HDB dreams and such are stupid too.

I'm still me. But some things have changed. Im suddenly afraid of commitment. Even though rvn still says he's saving up for marriage and whatever, I guess I dare not think so far anymore. Whatever will be will be :) Life is short.

2008-07-15T21:07:00.000+08:00

Here I am thinking of the same thing again!! haha maybe it's that time of the month so my emotions are a little topsy-turvy! I dont know why but Im just all rosy and fluffy and mushy inside! Anyway, I dreamt of being with a 35-year-old man. I wont say who he is!

But wow, that's a whole lot older than I am! A whole 15 years!

But Sis and I were saying maybe it's really better to find someone much older.

Cuz someone much older might mean he'd look after us and dote on us more rather than expecting us to take care of them and settle everything.

Of course, i dont mean that we should just go all out just to look for someone to take care of us & dote on us la.

But seriously, maybe it's better?? Of course it also doesnt mean any guy who is older will be more mature & stuff. But assuming that there's a higher possibility of it..

I cant really remember what I dreamt of. But I do remember the feeling of being doted upon by a man much older. It felt a bit weird cuz ya, he's so much older. But then again, he was very nice and doting to me.

I really think "doting" is the word for me these days. I really want to know and Im really yearning to know how "doting" really feels like.

Fel says im wasting my time & youth.
Suddenly, I think so too!
Haha.. but oh well, worse comes to worse, i'll just go for a lau ti ko who is very old but at least "dote" on me.

Ya sound quite desperate huh?

No choice. My fault that this never occurred to me before that I would want to be loved and doted upon. I only told myself I wanted to be with a faithful guy. And I got it. But then, I don't feel loved or doted upon at all. It's not a emo-mo-mo thing la, it's really true and I think rvn also knows because he told me he doesn't know how and what he must do.

And there is no point telling him right? I'll be with a robot then! Like for example, "Ok, Rovin, when I'm sick and if you're free and you're nearby, you should show me that you care for me by coming to look for me or at least calling or sending an sms would be nice?."

That's pretty pointless!

But it's ok.
I chose to be with this guy, I can't back out because he didnt do anything wrong. If he changes, lucky for me. If he doesn't, too bad for me.

2008-07-14T22:03:00.001+08:00

Such a joy, such a joy.
Went to Sis' house today to help a bit with her charity work stuff. I didnt really helped much but I tried!

We were talking about relationships and maybe she is right.
It's better to be with someone who loves you more than you love the person.

Even though you don't super duper duper love the person, at least you'll still feel really fortunate to be so doted upon.

And that is something I really admire Sis and Ken for. Even though Ken is sometimes blur and upset Sis, but still, Ken dotes on Sis a lot.

Stan also dotes on Bestie a lot. Can tell =)

I wonder how it feels like to be doted upon.
Because seriously, very very seriously, I think the 2 guys i've ever been with, I've tried to give of myself more than they love me.

It's my own fault that I spoilt them to the point that they take me for granted and feel that there is no need to do things to make me happy.

Ah, i wonder how it feels like to be doted upon. Will it feel nice?

Despite being with 2 guys over reasonably long periods, I have never celebrated a single Anniversary before. How does it feel like?

Sis told me that Ken is very nice to her and will make the effort to bring her to nice places to eat even though he's not very rich. That's so nice!!! It is really very very very very sweet.

And Sis will help him to save money by trying not to eat too expensive food but Ken will really dote on her a lot and tell her never mind, just eat if you like it.

That is so sweet, really.

Just let me daydream for a while =)))

I really wonder how it feels like to be doted upon.
I guess it's a very basic thing that all girls would like huh?

But unfortunately, not all guys understand that and they just think that girls are stupid and troublesome.

Hmm that's kind of true also.

But aiya, give and take ma. Girls dont expect you to everyday pop surprises right? Once in a while can? That's quite justified right?

Afterall, you really have to put in effort to keep things going. You can't think that oh now everything's steady so no need to care so much.

I wonder how it feels like to be doted on :)

I think it'd feel very very nice =))))

Today, Sis suddenly told me she suddenly feels my heartache and understands where my tears come from :)

I appreciate that so much. haha. At least I know im not a nutcase who's making a mountain out of a molehill! =) At least I know that my tears are justified in a sense!

But again, I blame nobody. Because I believe I also have a part to play.

How nice will it be to have someone to dote on me!

Let me daydream (pathetically) ! Like a little teenage girl!

Well, I think i'd like simple things. Maybe just take me to the seaside! haha seaside again! And I'm not a very materialistic person. I dont really like material gifts. But a handmade card or a heartfelt letter would be so sweet because it really shows me that the person was thinking of me when he wrote/made it :)

I think Im a very "daily things" person. I dont need big hoo-ha surprises. It'd be so nice if the person like maybe.. hmm let me think.. like get a cup of bubble tea while he's waiting to meet me?? So when I meet him, I'll feel really really happy that he thought of waiting for me with bubble tea so I can drink! =))) That would be so sweet wouldn't it?

Being nice is really simple. It's all incorporated into your daily actions, if you would put in the effort and thought! :)

ah, i suddenly feel so sweet inside!!!!!! :) Hahahahaha!

Of course, I cannot only think of myself and demand this and that la. On my part, I'd also have to put in effort to do things for the person! That's only fair! =)

Haha feel so sweet inside!

I guess that is exactly how it feels like to be doted upon!!!! Very very sweet feeling :)))

Haha call me silly but im really beaming just thinking of all these things :) It would be nice if they can come true but I dont think they will! No im not being sarcastic!

I'm being realistic. Cuz Rovin and me are different in the sense that, to me, such little effort here and there = expressing love for me.

But to Rovin, to him, expressing love is more of acts of service. He feels that if I love him, I would do practical things such as cook for him, massage him etc. And to his credit, he also does that for me. He also cooks for me quite often.

So it's like our love languages are different.

I express love by doing things such as writing letters, giving little gifts, little surprises and I expect the same.
Rovin expresses his love through acts of service and he expects the same from me.

So I found the problem!!! We're a little disconnected here! That's why sometimes we might feel upset by each other.

Because Rovin doesnt express his love by doing sweet things for me. So I wonder why he doesn't love me.
And simultaneously, I dont express my love for him through acts of service like cooking, washing the dishes so he might wonder why I dont love him.

But it's just a different expression of love, that's all.

So you see, things can always be worked out.

Accomodation and compromise! It's really simple if everybody puts in their little bit of effort!

2008-07-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

Maybe Im just at a different stage of my life where im seeing things differently, from a new perspective.

Maybe this is called "maturing".

all of a sudden, i feel really stupid.

Wanting to live in a HDB flat? Wanting to get married early, wanting to have kids. Wanting to own a pick up truck or a van?

I guess it's time I learned not to be so dumb.

Everybody told me that was "crazy" or "dumb" or "siao". And even my boyfriend also showed me that was unrealistic. I know i was plain silly.

Now I will use my brains more. Haha..

We're going back to sch to perform for teachers' day. But i dont know if the performance is still on. Im looking forward to it but sometimes, we just wonder if we're ready since it's so last minute and anyway shuang is having sch, he might withdraw, and edi cant come too. So 3 ppl confirm cannot.

Shuang also said he wants to give up singing. I was quite upset. I asked why. And his answer was very matter-of-fact.

Simply because there are other things in life to do and pursue. Such as higher education, gaining knowledge, earning more money and well, all for the purpose of earning more money.

I guess this is such a valid reason and it's such a simple reason.

I should learn too instead of dreaming all day long about marrying early, having children, quitting work to take care of my children. Aiyo, so silly talking about these now.

Suddenly, I see things anew.

If my boyfriend treats me like that, I must learn to be independent then. No need to dream of what being a close couple and doing simple but sweet things such as riding bicycle or taking evening strolls. I must learn to adapt if he won't change for me. I have to change myself then. He doesn't want a close relationship. He wants those more... independent, distant relationship? Like you talk la but you dont really do things together.

I hope I'll be able to do it..

2008-07-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

Children of Cambodia Project

Hi my dear friends reading, my dear sis is involved in a little project called the Children of Cambodia.

This project aims to raise $350,000 to rebuild hospitals, specifically the ICU for 400, 000 children in Cambodia.

This is a non-profit organisation.

To raise money, the organisation is selling bears for $30 each.

Yes I know what you're think.

Siao. $30 i can buy clothes, i can buy dress, i can go clubbing, i can watch movie & have a nice meal at Jack's Place.

When I heard I also hesitated a little cuz I thought ya quite expensive.

But then, it's for such a good cause, there really is no need to think!!!

And just to let you know, the bears are good quality bears. Not lousy bears. And the bears themselves already cost $18.

If im not wrong, the bears are dressed in doctor coats.

Please please can I beg you please?

I really think it's such a good cause.

$30 sounds a lot for a bear. But it's only $30 for those of us who can afford it. So many of us are working these days. We can spare $30! Please please please!!

And somemore, technically, we're only contributing a mere $12 only. Think about it! Like sis said, our $12 in the total $350,000 may be a small bit but every teeny weeny bit counts and just imagine! U might be contributing part of a bed or tubes or medicine or whatever the hospital needs!

For more information or to order,
pls email me ok!

pepperplus23@hotmail.com

or email my sis at little_musician@hotmail.com

We really hope to raise as much as we can... so please please please help to support ok? We dont get any $$ whatsoever from this.. if you want to see the entire official proposal write up for the project, please do email us as well.

Anyway, just clarify, we are not a part of the committee for this project per se. We are just very touched and very excited and happy to be a little part of this and hence, really really really really want to help to raise more $. So please please please! :)

2008-07-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

When we went to visit Wee Boon, we were happy. It's stupid but somehow, we had fun. We talked to him and we made quite a lot of noise when we burned the paper money cuz we were clumsy. But it was nice imagining that he was watching us and laughing at our stupidity.

It's so fast. It's been almost a year. And the world just carried on with or without this person.

Sometimes it's better not to think so much.
Rather than always counting the days that rvn doesnt call or sms at all and wondering why or what he's really so busy with that he doesnt have a single second each day, i guess it's better not to think.

i just feel heartbroken.
because when he was a recruit, time was scarce and he couldnt call much. BUT there would always be a call every night. Even for 3 minutes.

Now he's an officer. He has freedom, he's not so busy and he can bring his handphone around. BUT ironically, there are no more calls or even smses. Nothing at all. For days.

if it's meant to be this way, i don't have a choice do I?
Im at his mercy. If he treats me well, im lucky. If he doesn't, what can I do? Just too bad for me.

I realise that I shouldnt criticize him and ask why he's like that.
I should reflect first and ask myself.
I can only blame myself.

Who asked me to be not so pretty and not so nice?

You know what I think?
I think if i were as pretty as Michelle for example, my boyfriend would think of me all day and cant wait to call me. Same goes, if I were very very nice, my boyfriend would be so happy to have me and keep me on his mind.

But now, it's because of my own fault. I cannot complain that he doesnt think of me at all because who asked me to be this kind of quality that he doesn't think of me?

I must also think of my part in the problem. I believe it takes 2 hands to clap. If he treats me like that, there must be something wrong with me in the first place for him to treat me like that.

I feel like a failure.

All the while, Im proud of myself for choosing the right guy, for knowing whats good for me and keeping away from bad guys.

All the while, i advise my girlfriends, thinking that im very smart and wise.

But at the end of the day, Im the only failure. Because everybody's relationships, though rocky at times, are still lasting and happy nonetheless.

So Im the greatest joker.
Do I really think Im so smart and wise? I must have been crazy.
haha. it turns out that im the greatest failure who cannot even get her boyfriend's attention because "it's a chore to sms or call or meet up".

Im the greatest failure because my boyfriend just refuses to celebrate my birthday or our anniversary and well, it's not a big deal but it's sad when I see him go all out to buy cake to celebrate his maid's birthday.

Im the greatest failure because my boyfriend refuses to walk TEN MINUTES to my house to find me but can take a taxi down to town right away to lend his friends money.

I dont know how my tone sounds like when you read but it's really not sarcastic. Im not tryin to be sarcastic. Im really reflecting and wondering what is wrong with me to make you like that.

There is no point sitting here complaining, emo-ing and sulking. I have to do something to improve myself so that he will treat me better.

2008-07-09T21:52:00.000+08:00

Im still thinking. But one of the two main things on my mind is rvn.
I think I've cried enough and felt let down too many times.
He is a good guy, really.
But... no, im not going to say the whole story again here. Im too tired.

I can understand if his friends side with him and think that Im the one who's crazy because "Rvn is such a nice guy! What are you talking about? What let you down?"

Even Bestie, Sis & Fel who I told and cried too find it a bit unbelievable that he has changed to such an extent.

If I ever said all the things, his friends wouldnt believe too.

Because he is very nice to his friends but just not to me.

I shouldn't elaborate any further.
But I really feel that I've had enough and Im already on the brink but no, he doesnt realise anything and when Im crying in front of him, desperate to work things out and talk things out, he can still laugh, thinking im very funny.

Almost every day, I hear things from my friends like "Erm, Im not encouraging you to break up with him la.. but I mean... "

Ya you are right. Why do I put myself through all these when he doesn't feel anything and can still tell me to my face that "But throughout the day, you're really not on my mind at all. I dont even think about you. So you can't blame me if i don't call or sms you for days."

You know, I dont even have to say anything or complain to my friends! When they're with me, they keep asking, "So he msg you already? he call you already? When is the last time he even bothered to contact you? I think forget it, really."

So im really not being a bitch. Because it's so clear they really can tell without me saying anything.

so why am I still here?

Maybe because im stupid or i have no shame, that even when a guy treats me like that, im still staying here, thick skinned.

I kept asking myself: Is this what I deserve?

I cry because this is really not what I expected. Not at all.

And I didt expect a lot. No need for flashy cars or flamboyant surprises.

All I need is a simple guy who will wear slippers & shorts and go shop for groceries with me or go for a stroll in the evening. That is all. Being a simple, happy couple. Thats all I ask for.

Not a person who deals me such heart breaking sarcasm all the time. A guy who cant see me on weekdays but also doesnt want to see me on weekends because "why can't you eat lunch by yourself? Will you die?"

No I wont die.

But I dont see you on weekdays at all. Can I beg you to eat lunch with me for one saturday please?

Everybody's asking me to forget the whole thing. Even my parents.

But I guess, I'll still be here.

I asked myself what right do I have to demand better?

Im not Michelle. If Im as pretty as her, maybe I have the right to demand better. Im not like my Sis or any other girl who's so nice. If I were, maybe I have the right to demand better.

But Im not. Im just a ... nobody.

No no Im not getting all emo and weepy on you. Seriously, Im analyzing things very objectively.

Since Im not very perfect or good myself, what right do I have to demand better?

I should really thank God that there is a guy here who, though doesnt really WANT to be with me, but doesnt MIND being with me.

I will never break up with him.

My friends say I deserve at least a guy who cares for me and bothers about me. Not a guy who doesnt call, sms for days even when he's in singapore and during weekends, also doesnt look for me.

But actually, you are wrong.

Before I can demand for this and that, I need to ask myself what kind of quality am I first?

And I am certainly not top-grade quality. So what right do I have to even complain?

I am pretty certain that this is my fate.

Im just meant to be with this guy.

If im lucky, he will treat me nice.
If im not lucky, i have no other choice as well.

I dont think I can find any other guys who want to be with me, or any other guys better than rvn.

Guys out there these days are all rotten. rvn, though doesnt care about me and makes me cry, but at least he's not unfaithful to me.

Fel asked me who I prefer.
(1) Guy who is flirtatious and flambouyant in personality but Im very sure that Im the only person in his heart & he treats me very well.
(2) Guy who is reserved and faithful but doesnt treat me very well.

I dont even have to think. I will choose the 2nd guy.

Im very disappointed again and again.

And all im wondering is: What made him change so much and so suddenly?

Im pretty sure I'll get a lot of flak for this. Especially his friends reading because they will think im crazy and kicking a big fuss because Rvn is so nice.

Everytime I cry, I feel stupid.
Because I will cry and wonder why I deserve such treatment.
And then, I will conclude that I have no right to ask for more because I myself am not of top-grade quality.

Then another day, I will cry and the same thing happens.

And while Im crying, he doesnt get anything and just feels that it's very funny because this girl is so silly and funny.

But don't worry, I won't leave.
Because I still believe in you, I still have the patience to be here if you are willing to change or at least put in a little effort.

No matter what, I will fulfil my promise to you first. Even if you don't fulfil your promise to me. Or maybe as usual, you're thinking "Huh? What promise? Where got?"

It's ok. I will tolerate and wait til you change. If you dont change, just too bad for me. Because I have no right to ask for more.

2008-07-08T10:12:00.000+08:00

People inspire me :))
I know, i used to say I dont like people cuz they give me too many problems. But still, there're always 2 sides of a coin.

When I read sis' blog, she inspires me so much! I see this girl who constantly tries to lift up her spirit and takes her own responsiblities seriously and tries to be happy.

I've learned a lot from her. I used to sit there like a spoilt brat and think "Im sad. Im unhappy. Because so and so and so and so made me unhappy."

But like what sis believes, we have to take it into our own hands. It's our choice to be happy. And I truly see her grow and see her mature even more as she slowly learns more about life and learns to cope with it.

When I read Bel's blog, ah, what can I say?? She is like my other self. She's like.. my true self. The words she says sometimes are just.. Bingo. Bull's Eye. She puts my deepest thoughts into words for me. Though I might not fully understand her, but she's there, right there in my heart.

Well, nobody is perfect. They have their flaws, I have mine, we all do. But they inspire me, yes they do.

Chimpang, Sis and I are going to 'see' Wee Boon later. I hope we can find our way there because it's not very easily accessible.

Have you ever thought about death? About your death?
Ah, no, Im not going all emo-mo-mo and weepy on you again.
Death is something we all have to face. We think about life, about births, why not about death too? It's part of the package, you cant leave it out conveniently and think it doesnt exist or it's still far away.

Just because this society is too afraid to think or talk about death, doesnt mean those who do are weaklings or irritating emo creatures.

But have you ever thought about death? YOUR death?
That at the end of this life, everything - all your hopes, disappointments, success, failures, love - everything, is just mere a faint whisper in the distance.

People will have different thoughts & reactions.
(1) Life is so fragile. I want to live it and do more meaningful things. Build meaningful relationships, do things that will give me a fulfilled life.
(2) Anyway gonna die so might as well party more, sleep around more and enjoy more, shiok ah!

Well, im not going to wax lyrical on what is right or wrong, or good or bad. Because Im not God. Im learning to be less judgemental.

Whichever way you want to live your life, I say, do it if it makes you happy. Because at the end of the day, everything will just be a faint whisper in the distance. Everything returns to dust . So the least you can do for yourself is to be happy :)

2008-07-07T22:19:00.001+08:00

And so, I went on a weekend getaway! Isnt it so cool? My parents and I packed our bags for Port Dickson. Yes yes, it's a seaside resort town, just like Desaru. Maybe you think it's boring cuz there's really nothing there but the sea, the sea and the sea. But to me, there's no greater tranquility and joy than being right by the sea!

Anyway, it was a last minute trip. We went on Sunday morning and came back today late afternoon. So spontaneous right? But this trip also meant that I let a group of people down (in a sense). Very sad. But thats another story for another day.

The resort we stayed at wasnt very high class. In fact, we didnt even book a room! We just went!! We thought: If got room, then stay. No room then come back at night lo. Once again, isnt it so freaking cool??? Totally spontaneous!

Ya, the resort wasnt very nice or even spanking clean but... once I stepped out into the balcony, OMG. Right at the sea! Haha.. though I think Desaru's resort was even nearer to the sea.. but this one's also nice!

Ah-hah! Wait a minute!!! Do you see what I see?????!! I spotted it the moment I looked out! When I saw it, I was so totally jealous okay!! Still dont know what Im talking about??

TA-DAH!!!!

YES!! THIS LITTLE BIG MANSION IN THE DISTANCE!! I tell you!

This section is a totally private section. It's like a little portion reclaimed just for the mansion. Meaning, some rich guy actually bought the land or something and built his dream mansion right by the sea!!! SO JEALOUS!!! I ALSO WANT!!!! I wanted to go knock on the door or something. Maybe I can be a cleaner at the house also can. He even has his own yatch parked beside his bloooody mansion!!

OK I know all you sceptics. You must be thinking: "Very good meh? If got tsunami, first one to kena." Aiya, dont be a wet blanket ok! Just say that it's so awesome & romantic pls!!

A picture of the interior of the room we were staying at.

Ya it looks ok. But you have no idea ok. They had this horrid, overly sweet smelling air freshner puffing the whole time. Damn smelly.

And guess what??! I ask the counter staff if they sell any food here besides restaurant food (that I assume every hotel usually has)... and she said "Food court".

Well, coming from a place with Kopitiams & Kou Fus taking over every shopping mall and HDB space, we wouldn't think very highly of "Food Courts" right? Or maybe it's only me la. I dont like food courts. Cuz I always have nothing to eat except Ban Mian. But I do love hawker centres. What's the difference? Only people like me will know ;)

Anyway, WALAU EH! You want to see what their FOOD COURT is???

Ok. shit. Im so stupid. I realise I didnt take any proper pic of the awesome FOOD COURT. But just take a look at the setting of the food court and you'll get what I mean!!

Ok at this point, Im about to whack myself again. Because I realise I was too engrossed with the sea, I forgot to take a pic of the stalls.. which are, mind you, definitely not our average FOOD COURT stalls!

Anyway, the ambience was damn nice. The breeze in your face, natural sunlight, the glimmer of the sun on the waters, the nice smell of food.. This you call FOOD COURT??? I just want to stay there forever!

At night, we ate ice cream! Yay. Look at the whole setting. It just feels so good walking around, listening to the waves, watching the sun set. And we played Tai Dee at night, while watching a replay of High School Musical. haha.

2008-07-02T22:55:00.001+08:00

Some memories are too important. They should never ever be forgotten.
There are just too many Secondary School stories to tell, to laugh about, to get all nostalgic about.

If there ever was something I badly fall prey to, it would be Nostalgia. It holds me by my nose. But maybe it's not that bad a thing either.

Im always very worried.
I seriously have short term memory, im really not joking u know. Every time Fel will ask me about this and that, and I seriously blank out. I seriously have NO memory of it and it scares me a lot.

So Im very worried. I want to always talk about the past, talk about the memories.. not exactly because I relish in it.. but because I just feel a need to talk about it lest I forget about it.

It's like suffering from dementia or amnesia. Im afraid I forget slowly. So I HAVE to talk about it, I HAVE to record it. I cannot afford to forget any of these memories.

I feel the need to constantly remind myself about the past, about memories.. so I won't forget. It's just like Wee Boon. I dont want to forget him or any memories we had with him. It's our ONLY link to him. So I have to remind myself all the time.

It's not a very healthy thing to do huh? Cuz Im voluntarily calling sorrowful things to mind. But of course, there are really happy things too. But sometimes, my friends always tell me not to think so much about the past. It only makes me sad cuz I know that the past can never return. But no, I cant. I HAVE to think about the past. Im afraid I forget. It's one of my greatest fear. Im really not joking when I say I have short term memory. I really cannot remember.

Some people go in and out of your life.
Some people, we dont really meet them very often.
But when you do, it's there. The bond never fades. And you know you always have these people to count on. No matter what.

and siang is so funny and blur as usual! See we took this random photo with his phone and he sent it to us with the caption "Fun to see u guys". haha!! :) He's so silly but so funny. We're always asking him if he's got a girlfriend! But he doesn't. Maybe we gotta matchmake him or something.

Look at our happy smiles (and siang's left eye). that's the way it should be, isn't it?

Just felt tempted to put a picture of shawnshawn. he's so goodlooking isn't he? he doesnt even need to smile to look so good! this was taken in.. i dont remember.. 2006 is it? or 2007? I've lost so much fat on my face. Pardon the messy hair we were lying on a big comfy bed in KL!

I hope I can bring shawn out soon! And of course, his sister Jasmine too!

2008-06-30T23:57:00.001+08:00

When I was in Secondary school, I used to tell sis that I like fair fair guys. And sis liked tanned guys.

And it was funny cuz the guys who liked me happened to be really really tanned and the guys who liked sis happened to be really really fair.

On a serious note, there's something I'm very sure of, though.

Im very sure that there is no point convincing the guy to love me.
In other words, I, just like any other ordinary girl, just wants to find someone who loves me. That's all. Period.

If I have to convince someone to love me, something is wrong and it's meaningless.

I will not do it because I don't see the point.
I'll feel really sad, yes. But I dont' see a point.

And I did it.

On the day J broke up with me, I cried yes. I was heartbroken. I hoped he would return.
But then, on that very day, I left his house and I never returned again.

I know of so many girls who bring their mothers along to beg the boyfriend, convince him & persuade him.

I dont see a point in convincing someone to love me. If i have to do that, then that person doesn't really love me and there's no basis for this relationship anymore.

If you needed to think twice, then I think that's the answer I need for my own question already.

2008-06-25T11:44:00.000+08:00

People change.

This is the way life works and this is the way humans are.
im accepting of it. im not upset or anything.

No expectations = no disappointment.

2008-06-20T10:23:00.000+08:00

Hi I'm back =)
Don't worry about me, I am fine.

Lots of things have happened since I locked my blog.

But some things never change.
I still built my life around some of my most important people.
My family, Rovin who's in Brunei now, and I am so glad, I met Chimpang and my bestie Lily too.
My dear Belinda is away in Germany and will be back on Saturday.
And my dear Sis, though I didnt contact her much cuz we're both busy, she was constantly on my heart and I updated my news on her through Chimpang.

There you go. My most important people.

I still find it a struggle sometimes. People still try to change the way I live. Spending hours telling me that I should open up more, go out and party and make more friends. Date around more, this and that.

I just thank them politely for their words and for taking the time to speak to me if they really thought it was very important. And I still take my stand.

"if the culture doesn't work for you, you have to be brave and strong enough not to buy it."

I'm not into partying and clubbing. Neither am I very interested in superficial friendships or casual dating. And that is the way I am happy to live my life :)

If you're happy living your life the way you are, good for you. I can't tell you what to do or what not to do.

I'm just very thankful that I'm surrounded by like-minded people. I am proud of myself that I know very sure about what type of people I want in my life and what type of people I surround myself with.

And short of describing more long stories, I shall just say that God also taught me a very important lesson that I will really cherish.

2008-05-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

sis, bel and rovin make me very happy. really really very very happy.

when im alone, i really find it hard to be happy.
of course i know, nobody walks around smiling & feeling happy.

but when im alone, i really feel... listless.
i feel half dead.
i just drag my feet around. i have no mood to do anything.

but when there's sis, bel and rovin, things are certainly different.
i become alive, i laugh, i smile, i become silly, i become really happy.
they bring so much to my life. they have no idea how much of a difference they make to me.

i dreamt of wee boon last night.
well, i didn't really see him. so sad. i wish i could see him.
i dreamt that we were at a funeral setting somehow.. there was chimpang... alvina.. blah blah...

and dunno why... wee boon was "sent" back.. as in, he came back.. his coffin was sent back.. so we were all at the wake, waiting for his coffin to be sent back..

then when it was finally back, alvina and i held hands and went closer to see. then i didn't dare to see cuz i didn't want to see his scars. so i closed my eyes and told alvina i didnt want to see. then alvina said they covered the coffin (as in, they covered the glass part with a cloth so cannot see him).

that was about it.

i feel very down all the time. tired and listless. no mood or motivation to really do anything. there's this sunken feeling in my heart.

except of course, when there's sis, bel and rovin around.
and i really feel alive. i feel free to laugh, free to joke, i feel free to be silly and to be happy.

and not forgetting! dear bestie too! though she cannot be with me through normal days because of our different paths, she is very much here in my life too. and i know that if i could be with her more often, she would also bring that smile and happiness to me too.

i would say these are the 4 most important people in my life now besides my family. i love them for who they are and i love them for the way they love me.

somehow i find myself thinking about wee boon more and more and more and more often.

it's not an emo-mo-mo-outburst thing. i'm no longer going "why why whY?! Tell me why!!??"

I no longer have the strength to do that.

I do know he's gone. And gone forever.
Just now sometimes, when i'm enjoying myself... or when i'm just lazing on the sofa, looking out at the sky.. and i just wonder to myself where he is.. and how nice it would be if he didn't have to die.

2008-04-30T14:04:00.001+08:00

I was thinking of Wee Boon again. I can't help it haha. But I'm not emo-ing or what. I just think about him.

I'm listening to Qing Tian now. I think I will never ever get sick of listening to this song. Repeat mode for days. This song always reminds me of him.

I still feel like crying when I think of him.
But don' worry, it's not the emo type get what I mean? I know people will get irritated if I keep emo-ing. Haha. But well, I'm not emo-ing. I'm just thinking and the thought just makes my eyes a little teary that's all.

When he first died, I kept telling Sis i felt very... disorientated? Cuz I felt weird. I felt that I was very close to him. But then, I can't remember or think of any specific instances when I actually spent time with him. So I felt very confused. I felt like I was crazy. Maybe I wasn't even close to him or maybe I didn't even know him cuz I suddenly had some memory loss, I couldn't remember almost anything specific about him.

But slowly, the memories come back. More and more vivid.

Every morning I'd reach school by 6 something. And there'll only be a few people there that early. And he was one of them. So since Sec 1, every morning at the parade square, we'd just talk nonsense and I don't know what. But yes, I saw him every morning at the parade square. And I knew where he sat.

He was there when I got to know Chimpang and the whole gang. And I will never forget. Out of my playfulness, I wanted to go into the gym where all the bad guys were (Jer and all the guys). And he blocked the door and whispered firmly to me that I shouldn't go close to those people. And when he said that, I was even more stubborn and naughty. I pushed my way through.

And he was very worried. He quickly followed behind me into the gym. So protectively.

There were also times when I was stubborn and when he tried to stop me, I was mean to him. But being the nice guy, he always kept it inside.

There were times Sis and I were bad to him. As in, accidentally. Really. During Chinese New Year, he was waiting outside Sis' house. I can't really remember... but we were inside the house for so long and he didn't appear. And later, he appeared and he was drenched cuz it was raining. And we laughed but inside, felt so bad. And he never minded people laughing at him. He would always just smile his good natured smile.

Gosh. Haha. I'm crying now. I miss this person. But he has disappeared suddenly.

In my mind, he is such a mature, wise and driven person. In my mind, he is also a happy cheerful nice guy who didnt deserve to die so early.

I'm really scared. I'm scared that if I don't talk about him or think about him, I wouldn't be able to hold on to my memories of him. And memories are all we have of him.

I'm scared that as we grow older, memories will turn murky. I'm afraid of losing my only memories of him. I'm very afraid. I wish he didn't die.

I really don't want to pour cold water on others.
I know at this point, there are quite a few people around me who are really happy. They're at a really happy point in their lives and I'm also really happy for them. I don't want to dampen their moods by talking about death and Wee Boon all the time.

I truly understand it can get a bit sian and irritating when someone keeps dragging her feet around, moody and talks cock about what death shit all day long.

I shall try then..

2008-04-29T18:53:00.000+08:00

What if you slept?

And what if in your sleep, you dreamt?

And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower?

And what if, when you awake, you had the flower in your hand?

Ah, what then?

—-Coleridge

2008-04-25T12:07:00.000+08:00

I was lying on the sofa, taking a break from studying.
The radio was on, music, cool breeze. So nice.

I couldn't help but think abt Wee Boon again.

I wonder... did he know he was going to die?

In that excruciating 20 minutes or so perhaps.... what went through his mind?

Maybe he was just thinking: "Shit. Sure go hospital ready then kena scolding from parents. They might confiscate my bike or something."

Maybe he just thought that he was going to be seriously injured. But i dont think he thought he would die.

It's like all of us. Young people especially.
We have this certain perceived invincibility.

When we smoke, we don't believe that we'd get cancer. Cuz we think we're invincible. We can't possible get it.

When we have unprotected sex, we don't believe there's any risk of Aids. Cuz we're invincible. Other people might get it, but not us.

When we speed, we don't believe we'd die. Cuz we're invincible. Other people will die from accidents, not us.

Well... i guess this characterises young people. But it's also this very notion that helps them to live freely in a sense. That's the precious part of being young.

So did Wee Boon know he was going to die?

I don't think so.

Maybe if it were me, lying there in pain.. i would also just think of anything, everything.. from getting scolding to being hospitalised.... anything but of dying.

And a life is just gone like that.
Just like that.

I wonder where he is.
On a fine day like this, where is he?
Is he somewhere.. enjoying himself too?

I've been thinking about the quote Sis shared with me.
I don't remember the whole thing but i remember the part about life being a hoax.

And wow, i realised that that is exactly what has been stirring me up.

See, sometimes i myself don't know why im so emotional, so angry all the time.

But i realise... it's because of the hoax of life.

All the while, I've been duped (by God, by society?) into thinking that.... Oh, life is about love, relationships, achievements, happiness, joy....

Right? All of us think life is about this beautiful array of elements.

But i realise that yes, life is a hoax.

It's a slap in my face.

It's like God's telling me...

Hey kid. you've been duped.
Who says life is about all these beautiful things?

Life is a hoax.
It's a lie.
Life is not all these beautiful things.
Life is nothing but a lead up to the moment you die. And you can die in the stupidest way. In a split second. Erased from the world like you never exist.

That's why i was angry. I was upset.

I realised that I have been duped into believing life is so much. Until God slapped me in the face. And I realised that Life Is Nothing But a Hoax.

You can strive for a lot, you can maybe just get married, have your first child.. everything's going well for you.. you're happy in your first job.. you're young and just building your new family.. you've come a long way studying hard and working hard for this...

But in a split second, u can die when u're walking around and the board of the block number on those flats just drop on you and you fall into a coma and die. (it really happened to somebody i know)

Get what I mean?
Life is nothing.
In this case, life is not about your hard work all these years, or about your new family that you're building, your new baby, your new wife, your new house.... life is just about that mere moment when u die. And it only lasts maybe a second or two.

Of course, it's up to you to view it.
You can still be optimistic.

I am still optimistic in a sense don't worry.
I'm still studying hard, working hard, striving for life.

But I'm just glad that I understand my emotions a little bit more and I know now why I was so upset.

Death is common.
But I was so upset cuz it was a slap in my face.
I suddenly see the hoax of life.
It's such a disappointment.

yes now i understand.

2008-04-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

i am thankful that in the midst of all these, i have someone supporting me so strongly, so unconditionally. thank you sis.

at least i know that i have someone who's not only supporting me but in this together with me. in this struggle against overcoming the troubles, the hoax, the repugnance of live and death to reach freedom.

haha dont laugh if it sounds lame to you. what achieve freedom. lame.

haha. but it's not lame to us. at this point of time, the quote that sis shared with me means so much. it puts all our emotions into words.

well, my thai cousin boat is helping me plan for a trip to thailand to visit him. he's living with his brothers bright and boom (the thai pop star) and i can live with them!

actually i hope to go for quite long.
months if possible.
like 2 months?
or at the very least, like 3 weeks or something.

i just need a getaway.

haha i was telling him that i can be their nanny or something. i can cook for them, wash for them while they go work or uni. haha i can practise my motherly skills.

i'm looking forward to it.

2008-04-21T21:59:00.002+08:00

another day has passed??

i dreamt of my great grandmother last night.
it was so real.
but in my dream, i knew she was already dead. so i felt very sad. cuz i knew that the time that i could talk to her was limited cuz she was going to leave.

i like these dreams. dreams are the only way i can still see them, talk to them.
but then these dreams make me very tired.
cuz i feel the same sadness and sorrow in my dreams, knowing the person just doesn't exist anymore.

it's always there in my brain.
i can't reconcile it what i know and what i believe.
in my heart, they're around. but then, no they are not. they don't exist.

isn't that a scary thought?
completely ceasing to exist.
and all it takes is a mere second.
and bam. darkness, everything's gone.
it still scares me like hell.

i was listening to the songs that remind me of wee boon.
但偏偏雨渐渐
大到我看你不见
但偏偏风渐渐
把距离吹得好远
等待放晴的那天也许我会比较好一点
但故事的最后你好像还是说了拜拜

Songs we listened to during our secondary school days.
Sis and I always used to scream "Hello" at the end when the lyrics weer "Bye Bye". But looks like our screaming couldn't change fate.

Wee Boon i miss you a lot. I'm still very sad. It's months but still, I still want to cry. Why did you leave just like that? Leave all of us disoriented, lost, it was so painful. choking on our tears. I can't see you anymore. Where are you.

I wonder where he is now.
how does he feel to not exist anymore?
then again, how is he even able to feel when he doesn't exist anymore.

these thoughts of death scare me.
makes me shiver.

i never deliberately go and think k.
these thoughts just lurk around.
can't avoid them.

im very tired of dreaming of dead people and dreaming of people dying cuz it's the whole cycle of sorrow over again and i keep crying in my dreams. i don't like it.

yet again, i wish i can dream of them every single night of my life.
the only place i can see them, have them talk to me, have them interact with me, see them move, see them react... instead of lying there, cold motionless in that coffin.

i wish i can see them in my dreams.
im still very sad. i still want to cry.
i miss them a lot.
when wil the pain subside?
chimpang asked me that question.
i don't know. i wished i knew too.

2008-04-20T22:49:00.000+08:00

these days.. i'm happier. i was actually very sad. but i was so sad that i passed the limit and i couldnt really be any sadder, so i became happier in a sense.

i realise that... at the end of the day, life is just.. life.
we are all going to return to being bones and ashes.
life is just life.
there is no point taking anything too seriously.

so well, i just did what i felt like doing.
initially i regretted a bit.
but later, i felt... ah heck. whatever. nothing really matters does it?

i dont really feel like studying.
but i will still study of course.. i will just do what i can...

there's no point being so unhappy all the time right?

can't wait for these 2 weeks to pass. i have so much i want to do.

2008-04-15T16:07:00.001+08:00

i am very sad. i am still very sad.
i feel very physically tired. i just want to cry and sleep and not do anything else.

i dont know the meaning of kan kai.
i cannot kan kai.

death is permanent. there is nothing we can do about death. how to kan kai?

bereavement is cumulative.
the ones before, i haven't recovered.
i will never heal the wounds properly.
cuz they all left too suddenly. too prematurely.

i am very sad. i am very sad.
i dont want to do anything.
i am very sad. i am very sad. i am very sad. i am very sad. i am very sad.

nothing else matters at this point. nothing.

im very bored. im very restless. i dont really know what im doing.
i only know that im very sad im very sad im very sad im very sad.

im so sad i can cry any moment.
im so sad im very sad. i feel very sad. my heart is very heavy my heart is very very heavy. how? i cant get rid of the feeling. My heart is very heavy. im very sad im very sad.

im very sad i want to die.
i dont really WANT to die but im very sad im very tired i dont mind dying.

just let me die. god doesnt allow me to die.
thats the greatest irony.
god likes to play games with us.

a person who rides a motorbike and hits a curb.. such a small mistake.. and he dies.

i bet if i were to throw myself in front of a speeding car, i also wont die.

not cuz im a superhuman.
but because god always tries to be funny.
those who dont mind dying, he doesnt let them die.
those who are full of life, full of hopes and ambitions and light, he kills them off.

im very sad im very sad my heart is very heavy i can still smile but i cant lift my spirits up and be happy.

rovin ask me why i become like that. why i become so psychotic.

because im feel very sick. physically and mentally. so i dont care what i say. im just a bit crazy already.

i keep saying very crude things. which sound very bad and mean and nasty i know. i keep asking rovin how he would feel if his so and so dies. of course it's offending to him right. i mean it's so offending to others, why does my mouth spout such foul things.

haha. i dont know why i did that.
i just feel sick in my mind and in my heart.
to me it's nothing really. i feel numb. yet judging by my sorrow, i am not numb. i am in pain i am in pain and i dont know how to get rid of the pain.

i can smile but i cant be happy.
how do i be happy i want to know

im very sad i want to die.
freaking shit when did i become such a loser.

dying is cowardice?
but actually it isnt.
i mean, do u dare to go and die now?
bet u don't.
i don't dare too.
if i dared, i would be more proactive in seeking death instead of passively sitting here whining about why god doesnt take me.

so im a coward because i want to die but i dont dare to die.

yesterday night, i dreamt again.
i dreamt of yet another person dying. i wont mention the person who i dreamt dying.
it was very scary.
i dreamt that we (i dont really remember who's the "we") kept checking the person's blog but the person didn't update for very very very very long. So we kept wondering why.
Then someone told us he died in army. He was in a 3 storey building or something when the building collapsed. I think 3 people died and he was one of them.

and we were very very sad we kept crying and we couldn't believe it cuz the person is our age, our school mate.

So sian.
i keep dreaming of people dying.
i have dreamt of so many people dying already.
for one, i dreamt of my father being murdered like.. i dont know how many times throughout my life so far.
i dreamt of myself being murdered and on the verge of death twice.
i dreamt of my another uncle dying.

i dreamt of my cousin's death in australia.
i was damn freaked out. but luckily he was returning to singapore already. i dreamt that he was murdered in an underground car park and was found lying face down in a pool of blood. i can still remember the scene.

im scared.
i keep dreaming of people dying.
i think i am too haunted by death.
i have not recovered from my bereavement. all my past bereavement.
i am so haunted by Death.
i taunt Death.
but i am scared of Death. i am so freaked out by Death.
yet i want Death.
i need to see a shrink or something.

shuang said he still saw that something in me. he told me one nght that he wanted to help me.

and i said: "Huh? Help what? What you talking about? hahaha"

And he suddenly told me that yes he sees me laughing and being silly all the time, but he said he still sees that "little light in me which he wants to salvage before the rest of the darkness in me claims it for good".

Darkness?

Hmm.
What do you think now shuang?
I think the darkness has claimed me.

is there nobody who can help me?
yet the egoistical nature in me tells me that no, i must have a lot of self pride, i cannot bow down and admit that i am weak and i need help. i must be like how i have always been. handling my problems by myself, on my own, and being proud that i overcame it all by myself.

but now it looks like i have never completely overcome anything at all though i always thought i did.
maybe partially. but not completely.

my own darkness has claimed me.

2008-04-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

a big gathering. we've been talking so much. for once. and i really enjoy it a lot. we've been talking non stop, all of us cousins or whatever.

we realise that our ages are all very close. there is one person born every single year for a certain period. we really grew up together. shared baby prams together.. bathed together.. countless photos of all of us babies.. there're like 15 over of us around the same age.. as in, age 17 - 28..

some of us are not even cousins. as in, some of them are around same age but they're actually one generation lower.

we realise that there is one thing characteristic about (almost) all of us: the super sharp nose.
My family is a family of good lookers. Everybody has really sharp noses. Especially the boys.

And i realised that besides my uncle looking like chow yun fatt and mei looking like lana lang, lionel also looks like nicholas tse.
Seriously man. They are all very good looking.

I wished i looked more like them.

But unfortunately, i look more than my dad than my mum. Im not saying my paternal side is not good looking.. but um.. it's a fact that my mum's side is definitely more good looking.

Anyway... we had a really good time catching up and really talking and saying that next CNY, we should really make it a point to meet. It's up to us already.

And we felt very sad when we realised that this generation of people are starting to die off and disappear.
Soon, we'll be the generation left to handle all these stuff.

I didn't cry during the cremation.
Not even a single tear.
And I knew something was wrong..

and true enough, when i got home, i really broke down and cried. I cried for hours. Haha. I really just cried and cried. It's that very heart aching feeling all over again.

I miss uncle's voice. He speaks English, Mandarin, Melayu, Tamil. But he can't read or write. I miss his very low, raspy, slow voice.

I miss his really nice words. Praising people, encouraging people. We really need more people like him in this world.

When my eldest aunt (his wife) spoke to me, she kept sayang-ing me, sayang-ing my head... it gives me a lot of comfort. But i felt like sayang-ing her instead. She's very lonely. I cant even describe or understand fully her pain.

My cousin cried the most. The one who only came back now when his father's already dead. His guilt is eating him alive.

my mum is very very sad. she keeps repeating that this is her best brother-in-law. When she first got married, the refrigerator washingmachine TV bed.. everything was bought by him. this is her best brother-in-law.

my 5th aunt is very sad. she kept going to look at his body alone and just stand there looking at him. he is also her best brother-in-law.

in our hearts, he is our best uncle.
he is really the best.

why do good people always go so quickly?

when i was crying, i really poured my heart out. and i felt very tired.

i miss him.

i was telling rog that we should organise a gathering or something.
i dont want to wait til we lose another person then meet at a funeral again.

all so tired, all so tired.

i havent studied a single bit since wednesday. i cant study. i have no mood to study. im very sad. i dont feel like doing anything. i hate it that God is like responding to me in that sarcastic sense again... as if telling me that "You hate good people to die?? Well, look i just killed one more! So, what can you do about it?"

Sorry man. I say until God is so bad.
Im sure he isn't.
It's just how Im feeling at this point so don't blame me and don't take my words also.

today, we parted again. we said goodbye. i dont know when is the next time we'll meet but you guys made me feel better. we all made each other feel better. i really like you guys a lot. im happy to have you guys as my family.

We're such a big group, i dont even know all of your names. But it's ok, at least we recognise each other and remember that we played together when we were young. And we still remember and address each other by our respective nicknames. All these are heart warming enough to provide me some comfort. thank you and hope the next time we meet is not at another funeral again.

2008-04-11T23:59:00.000+08:00

death is a stark reminder. a stark reminder of life, everything it is and everything it is not.

surprisingly, we were all very upbeat and happy today.
cousins we seldom see. not even yearly.
but i like this side of my family - my maternal family.

we all grew up together.
when we were young, my 8th aunt would drive lorry and come fetch all of us. every weekend we would go to the sea side. or go to malaysia together. like 25 over of us. all together. so united, so happy.

now that we're older, we don't even talk. we don't even recognise each other anymore cuz we dont even meet during cny. but just now, we all sat down and started talking..

wow. one's studying in switzerland.. one's going to get married soon.. blah blah..

as for him, my cousin (the youngest son of my uncle)... well, i shall say he is hit hard by guilt. nobody can comfort him at all. but you know, it is just the consequence of his actions.

he has gone missing for 3 years plus. nobody knew where he went, or what happened. he didnt reply all our msgs and everthing.

i saw him alone twice in Genting Highlands but I didnt approach him then cuz i didn't know he was "missing" then.

I only knew this year that he has been "missing" for 3 years plus.

So we msged him, one more try.. telling him "Your father just passed away. Please come home."

Guess what. He replied. And he flew home from Shanghai right away.
And his cries of agony.. his guilt.. nobody can ease that.

He's very very guilt ridden now. Very. Very. Very.

We all sat around telling stories, my aunties and cousins.
And I learned some things I never knew before.

My mum was most hit by her father's death. She didn't talk for i forgot how long. She really didn't talk at all, to anybody, even her family.

And it was because she was the only one by his bed when he died and she was young and just very traumatised by the whole thing.

My grandfather kind of knew he was going to die. So he grabbed my mum's hand and told her not to leave him. He was scared, i think.

So sad right? Life is sad. life is sad.

I stood there for very long and i examined my uncle's face.
My favourite uncle.
My kindest and most good natured uncle.
My handsome uncle. He looked like Chow Yun Fatt when he was younger.

I just looked at him for very long.
His wrinkles.. his wrinkled neck.. his closed eyes...

It's really weird.
It's like... he's there. Yes he's there. He's right there.
But no, he's not there. He's not there.

I worry for my aunty. I think she misses him a lot.
I always admired them. Such an old couple but so loving.
He loved my aunt a lot. So much.
My aunt is going to be very lonely now. Very.

My uncle has always worried most about her.
She's too nice.
She's a really kind old lady. She always holds our hands, hugs us and even kisses us.
I really like her a lot.

She's very lonely now. Very.
It's scary isn't it?
The love of her life. They've been so inseparable. Suddenly everything's gone.
Gone. How to deal with the silence, the emptiness? The horror?

____________________________________________________________

I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind.

I'm reminded time and time again that everything in life is so temporary.
One moment is all it takes and you're gone. Gone forever.

So I suddenly feel like... there is no point taking life so seriously the way i do.

Why do i restrain myself so much? So many rules for myself? What for? There is no point at all. It's meaningless.

I should allow myself to be free.
Free to love, free to enjoy, free to do whatever i want.

I have sudden crazy thoughts.
I feel very stifled.

I'm trying to find some people i lost.
I'm trying to find my big bro jaime whom i haven heard from since.. 2002? I don't know where he is. But i'll try to find him. At least I still have his company address in California. I think I will try to write and ask if he still works there. I want to find him.

I'm planning a trip to Thailand and im going to stay with my cousin.
It's not finalised yet cuz he needs to go to school but it should be fine. I can just stay with him.

I have this sudden restlessness in me.
I have always been a roadtripper, a restless wanderer traveller at heart.

But I have somehow managed to psycho myself over the years that, no, what I truly want is to be a good girl... a good Singaporean chinese girl, with a steady boyfriend, marry the boyfriend, have children, stay close to my family..

But now, i think, i was just stupid.
I tried so hard to be good but who appreciated or gave a damn abt it?
I dont mean that I do things so that people will praise me and applaud me.
But at least, don't turn around and accuse me of things I didnt do.

So there's no point. It's meaningless.

I might as well just be myself, allow myself to be myself since life is stupid and meaningless.
I might as well do what I want.

I don't really care.
I realise that there is no point in being good or nice. There is no point.
So i admit I've been rather sarcastic to some people recently.
Cuz i really don't care since nobody cares why should i.

im bored.
im very bored.
im bored with life.
im restless.
i want to move around.
i want to make full use of my transnational family and move around.
i want to go to thailand, and switzerland, holland (my aunt married a dutch), australia (some relatives there; my very gorgeous ang moh cousin Evelyn is also going to get married soon i think), and if i ever find jaime again (if he's still alive), i am pretty sure he will just fly me over right away. i miss him so much.

oh one more thing.
it's stupid but, i realised im like the ugliest girl in my whole family or something.
haha.
i know, it's stupid to think of such things at a funeral.

but seriously, one of my cousin looks like Kristin Kreuk (Lana Lang from Smallville). My cousins are all really gorgeous. Not to mention the ang moh ones in australia and holland. What more can you ask for?

I feel quite ashamed haha.
My eyes are probably the smallest in the whole extended family and my nose the most blunt. I want to go for surgery.
Seriously, you won't understand the pressure when you are in a family of really picture perfect gorgeous babes. And somemore I am so damn bloody short. Well height is alright i guess. I will try to have a nicer nose and nicer pair of eyes.

2008-04-09T20:29:00.001+08:00

hmm i dont really know how to start.

when i came home this evening, the sky was very very yellow.
unusually yellow.
it cast this really yellow hue on everything. everything was yellow.

so i asked my mum the moment i came home, "Why is the sky so yellow? It's so unreal. I don't know if Im dreaming or if it's real. Like in another world."

And she asked me, "Do you know what that is?"

"No."

"That's paradise."

Then later, i talked about the yellow sky again.
and she asked me, "Do you know what it is? Just now I told you right."

But i couldn't remember what she had replied me earlier on.

So she repeated, "That's paradise. Your uncle has gone to paradise."

I thought she was joking or mumbling nonsense. Then her eyes got really red and she started crying.

When the news sank it, my heart really sank. It really sank.
I felt so tired.

I thought he had gone in a peaceful way. Maybe in his sleep or something.
My mum said he had actually woke up. And then he collapsed near the toilet.

i am very tired. u see? bad news come. one after another.
God doesn't want us to be happy or something.

___________________________________________________

Maybe death isn't a big deal. We all have to go some day.

But death is a big deal to me.

Since I was 10 years old, 6 important people to me have died.
5 of my family members and 1 good friend.
SIX.
SIX.
SIX lives so close and intertwined with mine.

Im beginning to feel like every 2 years or so, somebody will die.
In 1998, it was Gerald. He was 16 years old.
In 2001, it was my Uncle Dennis.
In 2002, it was my great grandmother who brought me up.
In 2004, it was Victor. He was 16 years old. He was the only cousin who was the same age as me.
In 2007, it was Wee Boon.
In 2008, my favourite Uncle.

I'm tired of watching people die one by one.
I hate death.
Because death takes the people important to you away. Permanently. Forever. They will never come back. Never. It is not a dream, not a temporary problem. It is a fact. A full stop.

___________________________________________________

im going to sound very crude by saying these, but what I am saying is a fact.

We all rank people according to their priorities in our life.
There are so many people in our lives. Not everybody is important.

Similarly, while we are definitely all attached in a special way to our relatives, we definitely have relatives whom we are closer to, and some whom we barely know and barely care about.

Sometimes i wonder, if God wants to take my relatives away, why can't He take away those I am not really close to or I don't really care about?

Yes, selfish thoughts. Condemn me. But you don't understand.

Come talk to me if u have people close to you dying every 2 years.
No, please dont count those dunno whose uncle whose brother the sister the husband the whoever who you barely know and just attend the funeral for formalities' sake.

___________________________________________________

I like my uncle a lot.
He likes my family a lot.

He always praises my parents.
He always says that out of all 8 sisters, my mother is the kindest and nicest.
He also praises my father all the time, that even though my father is anti-social and quiet, he is the best husband out of all 8 sisters' husbands.

He is old though.
My mum knew he was going to go. He has been really ill since last year.

___________________________________________________

I feel like we will never have a break from these.

When i was in Sec One, I started confiding in my English teacher that I stil cry a lot cuz I haven't gotten over Gerald's death when I was in Primary Four.

A few weeks later, my Uncle Dennis passed away.
She was very concerned but she didn't really know what to say or do.

One after another. One after another.
___________________________________________________

When Gerald died, I couldn't accept it.
But he went with his faith. His ever lasting faith.
Yanti was with him when he died.
He was lying on the sofa, reading his Bible. Then he suddenly had breathing problems and kept calling out and reaching out "Jesus save me, Jesus save me. Jesus save me. Jesus save me."

Lord, tell me he is with you.
Tell me you are real.
And the bible is real.
and none of this is bullshit.

I couldnt accept his death.
I was Primary Four, I cried like shit.
The cousin I grew up with.
Whom I adored so much and always offered to push him around on his wheelchair not because it was fun for a kid like me but because I wanted to talk to him.

When the doctor told us, my other cousins were still playing. No one really understood.

I was very heart broken. But since the children were playing, I carried on playing.

Then I couldn't play anymore.
I just squatted down on the floor and burst into tears and my 8th Aunt came over and hugged me.
But no, it didnt give me comfort. No it didnt give me comfort.

When i went home, I immediately took out all the things Gerald and I ever shared.
All my baby photos with him beside me (He was 6 years old when I was born.)
I wrapped all the photos one by one with plastic. And I wrote behind each and every single one: "In beloved memory of my favourite and closest cousin Gerald Ng Kok Hiang."
I also wrote that in the story books that we shared.

My mother was very concerned. She spoke to my form teacher.
___________________________________________________

When Uncle Dennis died, I was at his bed.
And he just laid there. Not moving, nothing.

When my aunty called to tell us, i was the one who answered the phone.
She just told me that my uncle is gone and i seriously couldn't tell if she was crying or laughing.

I never heard such agony.
Serious.
Out of the funerals I've been to.
Her cry of agony really haunts me.
I remember it. I didnt know how to respond to it.
___________________________________________________

When my great grandmother died, i was also at her bed.
But i didnt have the chance to say goodbye.

Everybody just crowded around.
I dont quite remember anybody crying or anyting except my aunt hazel and my mum.

I cried.

The other adults stared at me, as if it's weird for me to cry.

They are all mean. They din't treat my great grandmother very well. She was nothing to them.

But she meant the world to me.
She was the one who brought me up.
Who brought me to the market and brought me downstairs every day.
And I would sit at the chair obediently while she chit chatted with her friends.

To this day, I dont know how we communicated.
She only spoke Hakka and no other language.
I dont know Hakka. I dont even understand.
But somehow, we just communicated through the years. I always knew what she was saying somehow and she always knew too.

She kept all her Hacks sweets in a tub.
And she would give me every time I went to see her (after we moved out of my grandparents' house when i was older).

She had a weird habit. She put a layer of plastic bag over her pillow. I dont know why.

I loved to sleep with her. She had really curly hair on which she always applied some fragrant smelling cream.

When she was in her eighties, my parents fetched her around in our car.
She was very nervous and very scared. She held on to the handbar for the entire journey.
I knew she needed comfort.

I wanted to hold her hand.
But I didn't. I was shy.

When she died, I wanted to touch her hand.
But i still didn't. I didn't dare. I was scared.
I will remember these regrets for the rest of my life.
___________________________________________________

When Victor died, he was 16.
I couldnt really accept it. Because I was 16 too.
I couldnt imagine being dead right at that moment.
Not living and not having a share in anything in the world.

He was my only cousin who was the same age.

I didnt want to have any regrets.
A few days before he died, he was in hospital.
I sat beside him by his bed.
I told him about God. I told him that I loved him.

When he was about to die (somehow they can feel it), he wanted to go home.
So they transported him home immediately.
And everybody was there.

So his father told him to look around at everybody present.
His cousins from both sides, his uncle and aunties from both sides, his paternal grandmother, his own siblings..
Told him that everybody is here to send him off and he can close his eyes and just go peacefully.
And he did.
___________________________________________________

I know, everything sounds so drama right?
But they really happened.
The way I described.
Life is dramatic. But it's not a good thing.

I am tired.
I am very tired.
All of us are tired.

One after another. People who mean so much.

Do you see why I'm always so angry and so emo?

Because I dont understand why bad people who steal, cheat, lie and everything dont die.
But people who are nice and so well loved must die.

For my great grandmother and my Uncle, maybe it's their time to go. They are very old.

But for the rest? all too premature. all too early to go.

I miss all of them a lot.

For all these deaths, I didnt tell any of my friends.
I think I told one or two before as a passing remark but I never told anyone in-depth.

Today is the first time I msg-ed Vien and told her my uncle just passed away.

Before this, I never told anyone.

I think even my close friends who saw me everyday in sch throughout secondary school didnt even know my uncle, my cousin and my greatgrandmother died.

I didnt tell anyone.

When Vien called me in Sec 2, i was at my great grandmother's funeral.
I dont know why i did that.
But i lied to her that Oh, I am at some memorial service thing.

It's just me. I dont like to tell people these things.

In a way, it has made me stronger.
I have very very strong self-efficacy (belief in myself to do things).

I believe in myself a lot cuz I feel that most of the downs in life, I have been through them myself without telling anybody my problems.

yes I always cried in school.
But I didnt tell anybody why.
so in a sense, after I recovered, I feel strong. I feel strong cuz I feel that I pulled myself up by myself, i went through my problem by myself without telling anybody.

Yes, of course my dear friends helped me.
They comforted me and always showered me with a lot of concern.

But I just didnt see the point in telling people.
Because it isnt' going to change the fact anyway.

___

Everybody has their stories behind them.

I am so self righteous against those bad people for a reason. Because 6 of my very close people in my life have died and they were really good people and i dont understand why they have to die early and in these manner.

I am have a lot of self pride and self-efficacy because I feel that I have gone through a lot of things on my own without telling anybody.

I dont even cry in front of my own family. I only allow myself to cry when Im in the toilet bathing or in the room.

I am tired though.
Haha.

I wanted to study.
But im too tired. I have no mood.

I just want to sleep. I just want to rest.

Know what?

I dont care about school anymore.
Or getting married and having children.
I dont care about all these... they dont really matter do they?
ambitions, dreams.

I just hope I will be the next one so I can meet all of them soon in paradise.
Really.
Dont be startled, im not cursing myself neither am i suicidal.

It's just a very peaceful hope of mine that I really sincerely wish will come true.

I am tired. Let me rest.

2008-04-06T00:02:00.001+08:00

i asked stanley if he would attend my funeral.

i was so touched with his answer. haha.
i expected him to say "yes" but i didn't expect him to say "Yes. Every single day for the full 3 days."

i know such a question is so morbid.

haha.

but i am realy very interested to know who will come for my funeral.

cuz so many people turned up for wee boon's funeral because he has touched so many people.

but i always wonder... who will even turn up for my funeral?

i asked stanley if i am worthy enough of his time and that teeny weeny bit important enough to him for him to attend and he said yes and he said i am a nice girl.

i was very touched i felt like crying.

because i dont think anybody has ever said i was nice.

haha.

people have only said i am "ugly", "disgusting" and "bad".

there used to be this uncle in sec sch. he's like some fortune teller. i was curious and i asked him to say something about me.

And he told me, in front of vivien and wee boon, that i "look nice in appearance but inside not good".

That was when we were in secondary 4.

That episode really bothered me until today.

Cuz seriously and very honestly, i didnt think i was bad.
i was not perfect of course but i SWEAR I WASN'T BAD OR EVIL LIKE THE UNCLE SAID.

I was very upset. We went back to class for a Chem test and i was too upset to do the test.

I still remember everything.

So yes, i think all these years.. I've lived my life feeling that I am not a good person and that everybody thinks i am a bad person and nobody likes me.

Maybe that explains why I feel so lonely all the time though i have so many friends.

Cuz inside, i keep thinking everybody thinks im bad. nobody thinks im nice.

And I struggle with it all the time.

Because I REALLY SWEAR. I SWEAR. If I lie, may I die a really horrible death soon or something.

I SWEAR that I am REALLY NOT A BAD PERSON.

How bad am i??? I really dont get it.

I don't steal. I don't harm people. I don't take advantage of people. I have compassion on the less fortunate. I try to be a good girl.

I have bad points of course.

I am impatient. Sometimes because of my very strong self nature, i might be a little selfish maybe? In the sense that because I am very strong inside, I used to despise weakness in other people. I used to hate people who whine. cuz i feel that for me, i just cry and forget it. there is no need to go and complain to the whole world about it.

But yes, don't everybody have bad points?
Nobody is perfect right?

Then why am i considered bad?
I swear i am really not a bad person.

That episode just haunts me.

So i always ask myself... what am i so bad about?? I am not perfect but what am i so bad about? I dont know. I really dont know.

Can somebody come and tell me why you think I am bad and evil?

Because it really puzzles me. I really make it a point to be as good as i can.

I am not perfect. I gossip, i am lazy, i am impatient, i have a bad temper.
But besides that, can u please tell me why you think i am evil and bad?

I really need to know because it causes such a huge dent on my self esteem.

Cuz I just keep thinking.. that i am unworthy of anybody's time and love because i am bad and evil even though I dont know why i am bad and evil cuz i really think i am not.

And i gues it was obvious enough to jn for him to really grab me and ask me why i think of myself as a curse to other people or something.

anyway, the main thing is...

would you come for my funeral?

am i worthy enough for you to attend my funeral?

or would be funeral be empty.. cold.. few people?
would nobody even bother to remember me because i was bad and evil and unworthy?

i am scared of that.

because it means that....

after so many years of taking life so seriously (to the extent of making myself so unhappy and so emo all the time)... after years of living, i have achieved absolutely nothing and i have lived for nothing.

but anyway for tonight, thank you stanley because u made me feel a bit better. at least i know that you will be there for my funeral, all 3 days, when i die.

i feel so lonely. i feel very sad.
i feel like i have nothing.
absolutely nothing.
nothingness.
and it scares me so much.
cuz i dont know what i am doing here.

2008-04-04T22:19:00.000+08:00

i have a bad habit. i guess everybody knows by now.
i dont answer my phone most of the time.
sometimes i really never see. sometimes i choose not to answer.

i dont know why but i just dont like to answer the phone.
especially when im outside and doing something or with other people. i dont like to answer the phone and disrupt what is going on. unless of course it's my parents or something.

i know it's really bad =(
but i dont know leh. i just have that habit.
i dont really like to talk on the phone also. i rather talk on msn. dunno why how?

it's a bad thing.
cuz when i dont answer my phone, i am aware of the fact that maybe.. maybe my friend needs me but i never answer and hence, it's possible that i fail to be there for my friend.

maybe it's because of my own character?

im a very private person.
when i have problems, i usually dont tell people.
if i feel sad, i go and cry myself and find something to cheer myself up.
i am not one to call my friends to cry or talk. i usually don't.
i am very... strong on my own?
sometimes i feel like i dont need anyone or any friends cuz anyway i settle my problems on my own, i deal with my feelings on my own. im a very 'myself' person (doesn't mean selfish k)

so maybe because i think like that, i don't really see the importance of answering my phone?

cuz i don't think my friends will call me when they need me cuz personally i dont call people when im sad?

or maybe im just very bad and i just think "Aiya. even if he/she feels sad right now and needs someone, he/she can handle it and get over it" cuz that's exactly what i do on my own anyway.

that's a very bad mentality i know.

cuz even though i can do that, it doesn't mean everybody can do that.

to me, i myself am enough for myself.
when im sad or what, i dont really need friends or anything. i just sit down and get through it myself.

but that might not be how other people handle their grief.
maybe other people need others.

so i shouldn't be so bad.

i must learn and make it a point to answer my phone when i hear the call.

i'm sorry =(

feel so sian. it's so hard to be happy. my mind just doesnt stop thinking hor?

2008-04-03T20:45:00.000+08:00

i know i always crap so much about God and everything. but actually, i am really a rubbish christian. rojak.

when my friends feel scared, i always remind them and ask them if they have their buddhist or taoist amulets or pendants with them and ask them to like hold them or something so they feel better and not so scared.

it's almost as though i encourage that or something.

haha.

and well, it's no secret.
i offered joss sticks at wee boon's funeral, while wearing my cross.

i felt really weird too at chimpang's great grandma's funeral. cuz i also offered joss sticks. so while talking to chimpang's family, i kept hiding my cross. i mean, i dont want them to wonder and find it weird.

tsk tsk. what a bad christian. gonna kena lightning someday.

hah.

but actually.. i dont know how to say. i guess i respect other people's beliefs a lot. but it doesn't mean i advocate or that i myself believe.

but i mean, im quite.. i don't know.. logical about it?

i mean, if your belief makes you feel better, go ahead.
if my belief makes me feel better, then go ahead.
i see no point in saying things like: "I know, i can feel it too. We're both so scared. Eh but your thing doesn't work you know?" or vice versa.

i dont know how to say la. it's so hard to reconcile what i want to believe and what i admit i kind of believe also. what am i saying.

i mean, being a christian, it is an unquestionable belief that we can only go to God in heaven through jesus.

but i just can't reconcile other facts with that. so means what. Wee boon is like burning in hell ah?
(sorry im so curt. im just... argh.)

well, some people can reconcile it very well. like my friend whose grandfather is a christian but committed suicide. he tells me straight that ya his grandfather is in hell.

well, good for you if you can reconcile everything and be at peace.
but i can't.
there's that uncomfortable lingering dissonance that i can't reconcile.

i hope i can one day.

but for now, i'll just be a rojak first. ya nothing to be proud of i know.

what do these spirits want anyway?

i can tell you, i can DAMN FREAKING SCARED. yes i am very very very very very very scared.

my mum says if you never do anything wrong, no need scared.
but no, sometimes it's not that they actually harm you or what.
but you just get damn freaked out already.

and walau, im reaching home at between 6 to 7 almost every day now.
i am scared. scared.
it's like the witching hour or something, the time when these things are the most powerful.

im scared.
i am really freaking scared.

i am almost paranoid.
when i went to bev's house, i didn't dare take the lift. i rather use the stairs.
when i was walking home through the park alone, i was very scared.
i kept turning around to look.

and i keep have scary, bad dreams.

and somemore i wake up all alone in the dark house.

this ain't funny.

2008-04-02T11:29:00.000+08:00

went to chimpang's great grandmother's funeral yesterday.
he was... tired. his feet is swollen. he is disappointed with some people. and he dreads today.

today it will happen all over again.
the cremation and everything.
and he told me he really dont know how to handle it.

i can only imagine how tired it must be.

the last day is scary.
though you know the person's soul has left his/her body, it gives some comfort to actually still see the body.
but when even the body is gone, it's time to really face the fact that this is it. gone forever.

i don't know how to comfort him.
i feel so tired on his behalf.
when i talk to him, his eyes keep getting teary. he's very close to his great grandmother.

everybody's so tired these days.

bel is also very tired with all her assignments. i can feel that she's very tired. very tired. it's the kind of... i don't know.. like you want to sigh and there is no more air left in you to sigh cuz you are too tired.

i feel tired too. i missed lecture today again cuz i couldn't wake up. i also missed lecture on monday.

we are so tired.

we should go to the sea side.
haha. -_-"'
seriously, the sea side makes me feel refreshed.

cuz when i go to the beach, i look at the sea, look at the sky.. i always get reminded of God's work. and i realise how minute i am. i realise how minute all those silly problems of life are. i get reminded of God's majesty, His power, His hands.

and everything is going to be okay.

2008-03-29T11:35:00.001+08:00

i'm so pissed i'm so pissed yay i'm so pissed.

yes why do i seem so pissed and upset all the time?
cuz i take life too seriously. i take everything too seriously.
people like me don't deserve to live too long you know. cuz we just make everything DULL!

but God loves to take people who are full of sunshine away.

Maybe like M said.

when God takes someone away, it's a good thing. God is releasing the person so the person won't have to suffer all the nonsense of this world.

but when God doesn't want to take you, He bloody HATES you! cuz he wants you to stay on this earth and suffer.

ok well. i didn't say that alright. im just wondering. haha if there's any truth to it, then God must hate me a lot!

well im pissed with people who don't make good their promises.
on one hand, you want to chain me. on the other hand, you don't give a damn about me.
you're so selfish!
you should allow me to go and find my friends and find new friends and just be happy right?
but you want to chain me to you and then don't care about me.
that's very mean.
but never mind la. i dont want you to die. i'll be quite sad. haha.

and girls who can't live without boyfriends.
maybe they should die too.
cuz they throw all girls' faces.

jn and i were saying.. those girls who like just break up and then immediately grab another guy as if they can't live a second without guys.. well they are just.. throw face.

and for you. i mean, you are important to me. no, you were important to me. now that i have seen the things you do... well, im just disappointed. im never ever going to talk to you again.

im pissed and so upset with so many people. haha i have no idea why. i mean, yes i do have an idea why but i have no idea why that huge reaction from me.

im just pissed.

ah i hope i die.
simple as that.
death solves everything man.

ok la. dont email me and say im contradicting myself cuz that time i said everybody is so precious and we shouldn't view death lightly cuz when a person dies, the people around him are affected.

well.. i said that cuz im a scaredy cat.
im scared that the people around me die and i cannot take yet another one again.

but now is i die what.
haha.
am i making any sense?

ok ok im just talking cock.

i don't want others to die. cuz those that are still alive (me) will be heart broken.
but i dont care if im the one who dies.
ok la im just nonsensical.

but i hope i die la.
i don't think the wave of effect will move too far anyway.

but then, when i want to die so much, god won't let me die one. confirm. haha.
that's what my mum says.
and it's really quite true. haha.

but if i do die, then wow. like i said before in the past, this blog is good for making the things i say come true!

ok la. maybe im just being childish. maybe im just pissed with everything cuz yesterday was really bad and it left a bad taste in my mouth.

haha. i mean, all i wanted was beach and sakae. and i couldn't get it.
am i spoilt?
oh bloody hell. im not!
if im spoilt, i would be asking for some party of the year in some club or some french restaurant dinner!

but all i ask for is beach and sakae. as simple as that. i mean, it is really very simple!! right?? please tell me that it is simple!! it is simple!!! i dont' even need to like gather people or need a lot of money or what!! it's just beach and sakae by myself!! as simple as that!!!

but in the end, i ended up loitering around Bt Panjang Plaza. i wanted to eat at Jack's Place cuz i thought ok i'll pamper myself a little. but it was so crowded at lunch time and i didnt want to take up a table all by myself and hai other people got no space.

so in the end, i ate Long John. well, that was not very bad. i allowed myself to pamper myself with the cheese dip.

i wanted to go to the VCD shop and rent a VCD home to watch.
but then i didnt know what show to rent.

in the end, i came home. and guess what??!!
Yay. I spent hours watching countless episodes of South Park and The Simpsons and Happy Tree Friends!!!!! Seriously man. Episode after episode.

I mean, yes, these shows are vulgar. but they have great politcal significance in their words.. and they a just plain funny. and they are free to watch!

so i just sat there from maybe 2pm to 8pm. i even ate my dinner in front of my com. haha.

i probably watched i don't know at least 15 episodes of South Park, 5 over episodes of Simpsons, and dunno how many episodes of Happy Tree Friends.

and i just tried to crack myself up and just try to sit back, relax, enjoy and laugh.

but laugh already still like that.
oh well.
im just pissed.

cuz God doesn't allow me to go to the beach alone and eat sakae.
but he allows sluts and bastards to sleep together and allows them to get whatever they want and allow them to have sports cars so they can speed and NOT kill themselves but kill OTHERS.

what are you doing man?

ok. never mind. im not a psycho. i just hate myself a lot and i do have the right to do that so dont disturb me.

2008-03-28T11:23:00.000+08:00

let's count the things that went wrong today.

remember i said i was going to skip school today?
well, i can't. cuz i realised i actually have a presentation to give during tutorial. so okay, i decided to change my plan. i will go to school just to give the presentation and then skip the rest of lecture and stuff.

guess what.
when i boarded the bus, my bus pass had no money.
well that's ok. i have another spare one.

i tapped the spare one.
the spare one had no money too.

i checked my wallet. i have ZERO coins.

and great. the bus uncle scolded me in front of everybody.

i mean, why do you have to scold me? don't be a fucking bastard. why can't you be nice? i didn't do anything wrong. it's my fault i don't have money but then i intend to get off right? im not going to free ride.

ok. it's alright. i got off the bus.

i wanted to get a cab.

2 army men snatched my cab right in front of everybody.

that's alright.

i walked to another place to wait for a cab. only to realise that there're so many people on the road ahead of me waiting for a cab too.

my lesson starts at 11. by then, it was already 10:40.

i already didn't feel like going for lesson. i felt like shit already. why must everything just go wrong? 2 Ezlink cards with no money. No coins at all. get scolded by uncle in front of everybody. i mean, what is the big deal? why do you need to scold me? i can just get off the bus. and people snatching my cab. today of all days?

i decided not to go already.

but there are a lot of consequences.

firstly, i am going to get ZERO for my presentation. which is 15%. that is great really. considering the fact that i spend hours the day before preparing notes, printing notes for the presentation.

secondly, by not going, i actually left my partner alone. and she is going to be so pissed with me.

and i dont blame her.

i mean, she would just think i'm doing this deliberately, leaving her alone to handle the entire presentation.

i'm sorry. i told her i'll call her later to explain but seriously, it wouldn't mend much. i mean, it's a fact that i left her to do everything herself. i am such a bastard.

but the thing is, even if i had waited for a cab and rushed there, there's no point. i would reach at maybe 11:30. and the tutorial will end at 11:45. what's the point?

i'm very upset.

you know, my birthday wish is simple. seriously. i don't need the latest handbag or the latest $200 over watch. i don't need to celebrate my birthday at some italian restaurant.

my only birthday plan is to go to the beach today and go eat sakae.

i mean, it is really that simple.

but everything is ruined. everything is ruined. someone or something just doesn't allow me to be happy today.

you know what? i'm not a lonely person. i have many nice people around me. a few different groups of people msg-ed me saying they want to celebrate my birthday for me. even miss chua, my former employer, also msged me to ask me out to celebrate for me.

and i know there are 2 groups of friends who want to come to my house to surprise me.

just now when i was really upset, lily bestie also smsed me to ask me for lunch or dinner.

but you know what??

i'm sorry. i have to reject all of you and you know why?

because i don't want to be criticised.

rovin said something really hurting to me before.

there was once we quarrelled and i was very upset. and just nice, amos my neighbour called me to come out and talk. so i went.

and when rovin knew, he said he can't believe that i'm such a person. that when i am sad, i make use of people and ask amos out only when i am sad.

i mean. that is really.. hurting. i am not that sort of person. and in the first place, i wasn't the one who called amos just because i was sad.

so you know, i'll have to show him that... no matter what, i am going to celebrate my birthday myself and be happy. i will prove that i dont need people to make me happy and i dont make use of people when i am sad.

and if you get angry cuz you think im complaining about you here, well, i am not complaining. i am stating facts. if you do something, please dare to say that you did it.

__

everything is just wrong.

chimpang and my sis also wanted to come surprise me.
but guess what?
lo and behold.
chimpang's great grandmother, who is very close to him, just passed away yesterday night and chimpang is just really heart broken and we are all very sian also.

well, wee boon passed away on chimpang's birthday. and wee boon got cremated on zhi jie's birthday. and now, when chimpang is really excited and having plans to surprise vien and me, this has to happen.

he is just very... tired. and i feel damn tired for him as well.
and he is really angry too. i mean, he's a happy person. and just when he's so happy and excited with plans to make others happy, this has to happen.

__

i'm just beginning to feel that.. someone or something just doesn't want us to be happy. whether it's birthday or not, someone or something just doesn't want to give us a break and instead, thrash all of us with bad news one after another.

and the thing is,

we are all simple people.

people like chimpang, vien, me. we are really simple people. we are happy going to Sheng Shiong. we are happy going to pasar malam. we are happy eating nice but not necessarily expensive food. we are happy just hanging out at vien's house playing mahjong.

so what is wrong? we have simple lives. we have such simple requests only. but why are we hit by waves of bad news all the time?

i mean, fuck, God. seriously. why do you let bad things happen to us? why can't you shift all these stuff to those sluts and bastards who sleep around, care about clubbing more than anything, who two time each other, who waste their parents' hard earned money????????!?

we are really simple and nice people.

those people are really bad. they really are. they are bad. they do such bad things to hurt people's hearts. they are so bad.

but why do they get away with everything so easily??
yet we are here plagued by add these sorrow one after another?

i am sick and tired of seeing the same group of people sad.

on the first day of the year, we were telling each other.. ok, last year was bad, but life goes on, we're here for one another and we all have a common wish that this new year will be a bit better.

and things like that just keep coming.

after wee boon's death, another person chimpang knew also passed away (a few days after wb). ivan's dad passed away suddenly too. and well, we just keep attending funeral after funeral. i'm so sick of seeing my friends cry so helplessly and there's nothing i can do to even console them.

chimpang is so tired. and we are tired of seeing our group of people so bogged down by sorrow.

everytime something happens to someone, the others will know too. zhi jie smsed me to tell me. the point is, anything that happens in the group, affects us all. the same when gim's dad passed away.

it's not fair.

and those bad people out there are just partying the night away and sleeping around, taking drugs, druggin each other's drinks, agreeing to have sex without condoms and feeling proud of it??

seriously, im not crazy. im not saying all these because im just crazy. these things i say are things that are real and happening among people i know who tell me these stories.

i am just really pissed, God.

why do you direct such wrath and bad things at us?
but then, you allow those bad people to get away with everything?

___

well, today is a bad day. that's for sure.
i guess i can't even have my sakae or beach now.
cuz after sitting at the park thinking about everything, i decided to just come home, defeated.

im quite surprised i didn't cry.
i mean, eerything just going wrong and knowing that im going to get a big zero, knowing that im going to make my presentation friend hate the core out of me, knowing that everything is just ruined.

i felt like crying.
but i didnt cry.

im just.. ha ha ha.

life's like that.

i think i'll go sleep. hah. im just resigned. i cant even cry.

have a nice day.

2008-03-27T23:56:00.001+08:00

i miss my life in the past. when i was in secondary school. about sec 2.

every day after school, i'll really look forward to going home.
and when i'm home, i'll just rest, slack, watch TV, eat, do homework.

life was carefree and though boring, it was really comfortable and alright.

and today, i decided that is the way im really determined to live life again.

but you had to sms me out of the blue and then be dismissive once again. you're pissing me off.

tomorrow is going to be so cool!
im skipping school to go celebrate my birthday myself. and seriously, i AM happy. im not being sarcastic man. i really am happy.. haha..

i have a long day tomorrow. i made plans by myself to do some stuff. i'm going to eat sakae buffet as a treat for myself. ok ya la. u will say sakae considered a treat meh? should be some whatever french restaurant then considered. well, i like sakae. so im going to eat sushi tmr. that's my treat for myself.

then i'm going to go to the beach! something i've been wanting to do for so long! finally man. i will probably go watch a movie too.

and i have other plans too. so yay, i will make it a nice day for myself.

you know what? nobody is indispensable. that's what i have always said.

and it's really true.

look. wee boon died. so?? life goes on right? we still laugh and smile and be happy and play and joke.

so u see? nobody is indispensable.

so we don't really need anyone specific.
we can be happy on our own.

rovin asked me some stuff. and i just told him what i thought.

come on. I am not pathetic, alright??
in fact, i think i am strong and i am proud of myself.

at least i am not some stupid weakling who needs people to celebrate her birthday if not she will whine whine whine.

i believe in myself.
i believe i can make tomorrow a happy day for myself.
i mean, i really dont need people to make the day happy for me. i know myself the best, i am the one who can make myself the happiest! it is very simply and logical.

and i am my own best friend.
i take care of myself, i've never betrayed myself, i've never broke my own heart, i am the most loyal to myself, i am my own best listener.
i am my own best friend.

2008-03-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

it's ok. im sad. im disappointed.
but im fine. God can turn things around.

2008-03-23T20:44:00.001+08:00

i feel so alone.

the people closest to me are leaving all of a sudden.

i feel lost. thrown into a swirlpool.

yet i know i am never helpless or vulnerable as i have the greatest help there is.

i feel like hiding. being a hermit once again.
no people, no troubles.
no troubles, no heartache.
no heartache, no tears.
simple equations. logical right?

2008-03-20T16:56:00.001+08:00

for some reason, im suddenly enjoying my camping at the library. whether it's from 2 pm to 8 pm, or 3 pm to 9 pm... i suddenly find it very enjoyable.

i just sit here the whole day. do my work, do my research, take a break, take a nap. i find it very nice.

maybe it's my little escape from reality?
because well, there's nothing to do in the lbrary. and when everyone's studying, u just feel like studying too. so it's a good way to spend my time wisely without wasting my time thinking about nonsense.

i think i found my place. haha. my little hide out at the library. this is great really. because it's also for my own good anyway.

2008-03-15T11:47:00.004+08:00

complicated. complicated. i was telling sis about the things that have been happening with j. then she said my life is complicated and it is so true!

but all these complications come from people. that's why sometimes i feel so sian and anti social. i just don't want and don't bother with new friends or what unless they are really nice people.

actually... life is not complicated at all la. humans are the ones who complicate everything.

i actually only thought that one thing was going on. but after talking to sis, i realise that i am in deep shit because i realise there's more than one thing that's going on.

shit. why do i keep doing stupid things that get myself and others into deep shit??

im too extreme.

i either trust the wrong people and get hurt.
or i trust the right people way too much and many things happen and in the end, get hurt and maybe hurt people too.

ok i don't know what im talking.

shit. that's all i can say. shit happens. shit has happened. argh.

actually never mind, one step at a time. see, proj is due in 3 days already. so lets see what happens after proj. mayb when proj ends, there will be no more reasons or excuses.

yes i think so.

am i right am i right sis? correct? step by step. ok relax step by step and see how.

shit la. i actually feel very panicky and all i can say is shit. because i never expected things to turn out this way and the fact that it has really turned out this way is all my fault!!!!! it's really my fault. it's really my fault. i'm sorry. it's my fault.. :( i didn't know things will turn out this way.

___

u know what? mother knows best. now i really believe that.

the next step i'll take, if given the chance, is to follow what my mum said. i won't go wrong then.

argh. and im not even settled with my other friend's problem. now there's this problem. i hate people problem.

when you looked at me and asked me very strictly "What do you want, man? Take away the variables. What do you want?"

i couldn't answer that and i still can't answer that now. =(

i don't think we can take away the variables. because the variables co-exist with us; they can't be taken away. these variables interact with our lives.

maybe you can answer the question for me?

but anyway, i don't think you know what you want either. and we can't spell it out for each other either.

"If you just realise, what I just realised... we'd never have to wonder."

2008-03-12T20:48:00.000+08:00

i am very happy today. i am so fortunate and blessed! bel made me feel like so blissful today.

this is how the story goes..

usually when bel drives to school, she will park at a free parking carpark outside the school and it takes about 20 mins (including waiting time) to take the shuttle bus to our section of the school.

today, she AGAIN waited for me! she ends at 3 but she waited til SIX pm for me so she could send me home!!

already so nice right??!!

but no! she went even beyond that!!

while i was having lecture from 4 - 6, she decided that she will get drenched and ownself take shuttle bus to that far far carpark.. so she can drive back in to school all the way...

and she came all the way to a small road at the back door of my lecture hall..!!!

so when i got out of lesson, and it was raining like mad, i didn't have to get drenched at all!!!!

i stepped out and stepped safely into the warm and cosy haven of her car!!!

and i felt so happy and blissful!! and so thankful!!! she is so thoughtful!! and even though i really didn't mind going with her to the far far carpark to get the car, she felt that she didn't want me to get drenched so she went alone and drove back in to fetch me!!

so nice!! i really felt very very very very happy and very very touched!!! :D

so nice!! it's like im so comfortable and cosy in the car and warm and not wet.. and i didn't even deserve it.. and it was all thanks to bel's thoughtfulness.. :)

thank you so much. im really very very touched. must tell everybody how nice you are to me DING DONG BEL!! haha.

she somemore give me japanese biscuit in the morning! :) and she wanted to buy kinder bueno for me but couldn't get it but i consider that i actually got it cuz the thought already means so much to me!!!!

happy :)

but anyway, i found out that he has the exact horoscope, almost the exact birth date, almost the same personality and the exact SURNAME even (and it's not a very common surname).

maybe im just being silly la but i think there's enough similarities there to make me realise that there's a huge chance i'm going to end up in some unnecessary web once again. so i think i better be cautious. i better just clear. CLEAR. don't want to drop into some web again for no rhyme or reason.

2008-03-09T23:20:00.000+08:00

today is Ah Gong's 71st birthday.

but not my Ah Gong. Is rovin's grandfather. but he's closer to me than my very own grandparents.

he is one of the best people i have ever known. he is very very kind that he gets bullied by people sometimes.

and he really dotes on me a lot. he dotes on me so much and it's so overwhelming given the fact that im not even his anybody.

he never fails to help me, dote on me, speak up for me.

when rovin made me angry, he was so angry that he didn't want to speak to rovin and even refused to take photo with rovin on his 21st birthday.

he is really very very kind. and he really dotes one me a lot and takes care of me a lot. and i really love him as my own grandfather.

he always fetched me and we always talked a lot.

when i first entered rovin's family, it was always "Your ah gong this, your ah gong that.."

but now, it's simply "Ah gong..." because in my heart, he is also my ah gong.

He is 71 years old already. We must cherish our time with him. and just make him happy and be filial towards him.

i want to bring my camera to his house and just take photos together with him.. haha..

Happy birthday ah gong and i will let you know how i really think you are a very very wonderful person and how i really appreciate the way you dote on me. i feel kind of shy but I do love you! Hope you were happy today.

I know there is something that's very important to you. And that is Rovin and me as a couple. I know that is very important to you. Even today at your birthday, you wanted to take a photo just with rovin and me.

I hope we will make you feel happy and proud with our relationship and I know what your deepest wish is. We really love you and we really treasure you so much!

Actually i feel kind of scared. im having a statistics test on wednesday. im very behind. i cant catch up because i have no maths background. i dont understand a thing. i haven even revised. i am erally very scared.

but i just had to come online to type these first.

sometimes, relationships just mean so much to me. i treasure each and every one. so much!

i was talking to so many of you online and i just feel so happy. i feel very loved and very blessed.

and the thing is, most of you aren't even like my bestest friend or what. but you just hold a special place in my heart.

thank you Stanley uncle, yizhi, zhenhui. i won't bullshit and say that oh you are my best friends or what. we might not be that super duper close. but every time i talk to you, i am just very very happy to be able to talk to you. i really treasure each time i get to talk to you. it matters a lot to me.

thank you!

i feel very happy. i can sleep happily tonight :) good night!

2008-03-07T10:00:00.001+08:00

i am very HAPPIE today!!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY :)))))

Got Bel's company.. very very happy!!!!! Bel is very nice to me. That day, my lesson ended at SIX. and her lesson ended at THREE. but she waited 3 hours for me cuz she said she wanted to fetch me home so i don't have to slowly take bus in the peak hour and then reach home half dead and nauseous.

SO NICE RIGHT???!!! i appreciate it a lot. Bel is very nice to me.

And another thing that really brightened up my day.. made me super duper happy....

I remember that jek they all going thailand today for training so i msged jek and told him to take care. then he called me and jus talked to me for a minute or so and i told him to take care!.. hahaha...

don't get the wrong idea. it's nothing sleazy or what ok.

but somehow, im always very happy when i talk to jek cuz he's very funny and he always makes me laugh and it just makes me very very happy! HO ho ho!! :D

but don't anyhow think ok. he loves his girlfriend like mad. and we always talk about his girlfriend or rovin only.

In my heart, he's like a big brother to me. he's like my personal friend and not just "rovin's friend". Though I think to him, i am just "rovin's girlfriend" la.

haha. he used to be a bad person i would say, but now he is a very good person and rovin and i are super proud of him. very proud of him!! :)

he's very nice to rovin and me. we owe him a great deal.

it might seem like nothing to him but it means a great deal to me when he really spends time to talk to me about rovin, help us clear our miscommunication here and there.

i think each time he calls, i end up wasting about 2 hours of his time seriously. and it meant so much to me when i talked to him over the phone and he was washing dishes and balancing the phone in between his shoulder and head, just to listen to me and comfort me and talk to me when he didn't have to at all because i'm not his anybody. It was such a sweet gesture, it meant so much to me and i will definitely remember it.

it means a lot to me though i've never told him directly cuz i feel shy la and i think he will just laugh and tease me or something.

i feel quite sad cuz he's going to go thailand for ONE MONTH! so long! I wanted to have dinner with him (together with rovin la of course). we actually owe him a dinner.

well, now must wait til he comes back. and i simply look forward to seeing him again! :)

WOW. i really feel very very happy. I don't know why. I seriously feel as though my spirit is really lifted and i'm just feeling extremely and very very happy and just smiley and just very genuinely happy. just because there's Bel and just because Jek called and I'm just very happy and grateful to have such nice people around me. i think no matter what happens for the rest of today, i'll be all smiles!!!!!!!!

:D :D :D :D

But there's one bad thing though. my sis is ill!! and she's very ill! she has been having a bad stomach virus.. so she's been vomitting and not eating well and stuff.. i understand how it feels cuz i had it before too! and the worse thing is, nobody can make u feel better cuz u just have to get through the nausea and diarrhoea yourself..

i hope she gets better soon. at least she didn't vomit since last night.. so hope it's going to stop already...

2008-03-06T20:47:00.000+08:00

It is not by accident that the happiest people are those who make a conscious effort to live useful lives. Their happiness, of course, is not a shallow exhilaration where life is one continuous intoxicating party. Rather, their happiness is a deep sense of inner peace that comes when they believe their lives have meaning and that they are making a difference for good in the world.

- Ernest A. Fitzgerald

2008-03-05T22:23:00.000+08:00

it's interesting. im still learning a lot about rovin and i learn that i shouldn't always focus on people's flaws but on how they shine.

and rovin shines in being selfless.

when rovin was young, alvin was very scared of thunder (same as me sia. why dragon babies scared of thunder?) .

alvin sleep on top, rovin sleep below (double decker bed). then alvin will always run down and huddle with rovin and ask him not to sleep cuz he's scared.

then rovin will comfort him and stand on top of the table to look out the window, far far away.. pull down the curtain and stuff so the lightning not so bad.. then he will let alvin sleep on his bed...

and he ownself pull down alvin's mattress from the top and sleep on the floor..

and he was only k1 at that time!!! and alvin is only a year younger la!

so nice right???! so young only!!

and alvin told me that.. he would always bluff rovin that there's this helicopter at their grandaunt's house.. then can actually go inside the helicopter and stuff.. and there're many little soldiers inside..

then he bluff rovin then he sat on the helicopter and went pass their house and saw rovin playing with his toys and rovin somemore thought very seriously and said: "ya... i think i saw.."

then when they went to grandaunt's house, rovin went to the storeroom to look for the helicopter.

then ask grandaunt where's the helicopter. she brought him a toy helicopter then he said "No. Alvin say got the big helicopter can go inside one.."

lol. why he so easy to bluff?????

i think he could't really separate fact from fiction.

somemore alvin is younger sia!!! how come rovin can kena bluffed until like that?? it's a family joke now la!

but anyway, ya rovin is very nice la. and he always feels that he's very dumb cuz everybody says he's goon and stuff. then he grew up with everybody telling him he's so gullible... then he always fall for people's tricks.. somemore kena pinched and hit by a girl at playground until his grandmother must go find the girl's mum to complain..

so sad.

i know sometimes rovin really make me very very angry. but still, nobody is perfect. and besides, he never make me angry purposely.. it's just that he's too insensitive cuz he doesn't know how to behave towards girls...

i want to hug rovin and protect him! and tell him that he's not unwanted.. nor is he dumb or stupid or silly! in my eyes, he's just very nice!

2008-03-04T21:22:00.000+08:00

actually im very appreciative of rovin's effort to consciously be nicer to me and make me smile. thank you very much. i can see it and i really appreciate it too.

anyway i feel so bad.

cuz rovin anyhow talk nonsense abt his own life and stuff... so i wanted to like 'slap' his mouth... like "choy!"... then my ring actually KONG his teeth so hard and loud.... :((((((

feel so guilty. im so sorry... im so sorry.. so sorry.. so sorry.. :(

okay. i am really very tired..!! physically tired!! my eyes cannot open!! my body is so tired!! i just need a day when i can really sleep properly...

2008-03-02T21:53:00.000+08:00

sorry. been kind of emo. i just hate it when people accuse me of things i never do. hate it hate it hate it.

today was bad. but then again, today ended well i guess.

rovin and me joined forces and whipped up some good dishes! well, not exactly sumptuous dishes la.

we just fried some nuggets.. cooked some campbell soup.. pasta.. but still, it was great. it's been too long since we last cooked together. and we worked well together. and we ate while watching mr bean.

rovin is still like a kid la. i was telling him the story..

my mum's colleague said she always thought that brushing our gums is good so she always deliberately brush upwards at her gums.. over many years, her gums are now very high up because of wrong brushing method..

so she had to go for dental operation and literally pull her gums down..

scary.

so i was telling rovin if he doesn't brush his teeth properly, he would have to go and pull his gums down.. the dentist use a big hook to hook on your gum bit by bit and drag the whole thing down... (obviously im exaggerating lah)..

and he was very traumatised and kept begging me not to say that.. and begged me to say that he won't have to go for gum pulling operation..

so anyway, boys and girls, must brush your teeth properly ok? it's good to brush your gums of course but just like brush a bit. don't deliberately go and brush it upwards or what. ok? good boys and good girls.

2008-02-27T16:10:00.002+08:00

in the midst of every day life..
rush hour..
rushing to school..
rushing to project meeting..
rushing to finish 4 term papers before the week ends...
rushing to finish my stack of overdue readings...

in the midst of all these rushing..

i pause and think of wee boon.

well, where do you think he is now? what is he doing?

have we forgotten him?

no. not a single bit.

but gone were the days when it was wee boon wee boon every single day on our blogs.

but does it mean we are cruel and we have forgotten this friend?
no.

this is survivor's guilt as we were discussing in class.

life goes on. and no matter what, we need to carry on with our every day lives. and in order to do this, we must no longer be stuck in the depressing past when wee boon just passed away.

and this, in essence, means that we must forgo the past.. we must forgo wee boon in a sense.. only then can we move on.. if not we will always be stuck in that hole of grief..

and this, causes us to have survivor's guilt.

what right do we have here to carry on living life happily and laugh and smile when he is dead?

but no matter what, we have to.. right?

constant struggle between remembering and forgetting.

i enjoyed writing my lit essay last sem. well, not really enjoyed la. but i really engrossed myself deep into the process. afterall, i understood it so much.

some of the things i wrote..

In order to eradicate sorrow, it is necessary to confront history yet, it is painful and tormenting to confront and relive history again.

the struggle between one’s effort to relieve oneself of the burden of the past and the need to retain the memory as the seemingly only available link to the past.

The question then arises if this act of forgetting and moving on connotes a sense of ungratefulness. Yet without forgetting, the (people) would never be able to move on successfully as needed.

The pain and guilt in surviving... one chatises oneself for moving on.. This sense of guilt hinders her from achieving any authentic sustained emotional and physical fulfilment and leaves a constant struggle within her.

The survivors know it is necessary to begin life anew yet there a lingering taint of guilt. It is as though surviving is akin to betraying the dead, causing the survivors to live with a certain undeserving indebtedness towards them who paid the ultimate price with their lives.

(i edited some sentences to fit in here so they might sound weird and 'cut off')

the memory of wee boon is our only link to our past with him. yet we cannot hold on to this memory too often because it will hinder us from progressing from our sorrow. but at the same time, we just cannot forgo this memory, this only link.

cognitive dissonance? haha, im beginning to like this word so much. this applies so much to us in life.

very often, we believe this. yet we do another thing. and mostly because we have no choice.

where are you? can you see us? you're like that shadow.
for as long as i ever remembered, as long as there was chimpang, gim, ZJ, leong, jeremy... there was always you. there was always you.

the you who's invisible now. wiped out. as if you didn't matter, as if you never existed. the you who's nameless now, who cannot be represented and have ceased to have a name because you cease to exist already. the faceless you without the identity who i used to know.

somehow it still hurts so much typing these few words.

2008-02-26T22:00:00.001+08:00

met up with my wonderful socialwork frends today! so happy! and we were talking a lot.. and i didn't realise i was so obsessed about being a wife and mother until they pointed it out! lol! :D

and ya la, i think i can say that being a good mother and wife is my ambition??

seriously, if i have children.. and no matter how great or well progressed i am in my work, i have no qualms dropping everything and staying home to coach my children and teach them.

of course i am well aware there are many other influencing factors as well - whether our family can live on single income..

i think a child's first few years are VERY important. it's not kiasu-ism or anything. and i don't even mean that im gonna stay home to teach them maths and science or what. there's just a lot to do for them at that young age.. whether it's just bonding.. or doing activities..

that is definitely something i want to give my children.

i talked to mrs liu.. cuz i actually know that she was up for promotion already.. but she chose to take no-pay leave to stay home with her children.. hence, her promotion was given up... i asked her if she felt sad about it...

if it were me.. to be honest, i guess i would be pretty sad about it. i think it's a great opportunity.. to be promoted for your hard work for the past years.. and slowly work your way up.. great sense of achievement..

but if put this beside my children... i think i'll still choose to give up my career if i have the choice.. i'll be sad la... but then, if i want to have children, then it is my responsibility to give them the best i can give..

i think motherhood is ..... noble and indescribable!

haha.. i know everybody thinks im crazy la... my laptop wallpaper is of Michele Branch and her newborn baby... lol.

but i was telling sis that time... i didnt use to be so siao on about being a mother... until i kept dreaming of being a mother.. like 2 or 3 times..

and it's just.. i don't know how to describe... it's so real and i felt the sentiments of a mother..

it's like... no matter what, this is your baby whom you've carried inside your body... and your baby is going to cling on to you and be entirely dependent on you for everything.. for protection and everything..

and as humans, we're all selfish to a certain extent. but when i'm a mother in my dream.. it's like... you just want to do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING you can to ensure your baby's well being and safety.. anything at all.. because this baby is from you and you are all he/she can count on..

aiya. i dont know how to describe. all i can say is.. we will never understand la until we become parents ourselves..

of course, i try to be practical and realistic too. i know that babies are not cute and adorable and cuddly and nice smelling only... i know they can be bothersome.. tiring.. frustrating... incredible naughty...

but i guess as a mother, you might dislike your kids sometimes but you will never ever stop loving them.

and i know i sound like i love kids so much, im probably going to spoil them.. but no la, i know what kind of a mother i will be. a disciplinarian. i'm the sort who's very strict with my children just like how my parents were strict with me.

i actually like how my parents brought me up. when i was young, we couldn't turn on the TV. Must ask mother first. and mother will say "Ok, you do some assessment books for 30 mins then you can watch TV for 15 mins."

And it's not about TV watching or what.. through these things, we learned discipline and we learned that if our requests are reasonable and valid, our parents will definitely grant them. so we learned to be reasonable.

and if i have a car next time, i WON'T allow my children to have the luxury of being fetched to and from school every single day. it's not that im out to torture them or what.

i just won't allow my children to become spoilt brats who CANNOT live without aircon or will die if they must take bus. i grew up without aircon and take bus to school and it is no big deal.

in fact, now many people's grandparents or parents are like their drivers.. fetching them to and fro everywhere... there's nothing wrong la. sometimes my parents also fetch me. but it should definitely not become something compulsory!

i feel that young people are healthy and strong and they should just stop behaving like idiotic useless bums who cannot walk a little bit or who cannot even take bus. it reflects so badly on them!

last time, i used to think that it's ok to take taxi once in a while. but now, i really try not to take taxi at all if possible. even once in a while isn't really acceptable to me now. (unless emergency or really urgent)

why? cuz my mum said my dad is so frugal that he used to alight 2 bus stops before my house just so he can save a few cents each day. then he will walk home in the evening heat.

i felt so bad la. my dad is trying so hard to save cents bit by bit and here i am spending $10 to $15 at one go by indulging myself and taking taxi.

well, if anyone needs any indulging, it's my dad. not me.

(so now maybe u understand why sometimes i appear to be so stingy. i rather eat chicken rice $2 than eat restaurant food $15. not because im stingy and dont want to pamper myself. who dont want? it's because i'll feel very bad towards my parents.)

back to the topic..

and yes, don't worry,i am also well aware that no matter what... my relationship with my husband is a tad more important than my children.

hey that is true, you know? you can't neglect your spouse because of your children. your children will still leave you one day anyway. but your spouse is here for life so you can't forget to keep up the passion and rapport you have. and besides, the best environment for children is one where the parents are a loving team and role model.

ok la. enough of these. i know many people really think im crazy la! they keep laughing at me.. and they don't understand why i feel so motherly.. haha.. i didn't use to understand this whole motherly concept too until i kept dreaming and i felt it as if it were real..

so ya, my ambition? to be a good wife and mother.

as simple as that. :)

2008-02-24T21:06:00.000+08:00

i am very happy today. rovin bought a game for me which i actually have been wanting for very very long but always can't bear to spend money to buy.

today he bought for me and i am very happy. i am not materialistic but i am happy when i saw that he was so determined to see me smile and make me happy.

it costs $60.90.

ouch.

i told him let's make this the most expensive gift you will give me for the near future ok? cuz we really need to save money already.

actually i am very sad.

last year beginning of the year, i chiong like mad. i took on 2 jobs from 645am until 9pm almost every single day. i earned quite a lot and i was very happy.

but then, i gave one third of my pay to my parents.

so i initially had quite a lot, now i realise i left very little.

i feel quite sad. cuz i really chiong-ed like mad that time and kept falling sick and because of that spate of bad health, i just became weak and keep falling ill from then on.

but i know i shouldn't complain la that's for sure. my parents have spent thousands of dollars on me since i was born and never even complain. so this is only a small thing i can do.

if i want, i shouldn't complain but i should work harder to earn more money.

but now i no longer work cuz i'm having a terrible schedule. i have no available time to work anymore :(

i feel bad that i'm not contributing to our saving plan.

so the least i can do is not spend so much money and ensure that rovin also doesn't spend money on me.

i need to think of something.

2008-02-23T21:32:00.001+08:00

i've been wondering if i should try signing up for SEP. i'm sure it'll be a great experience.

previously, i never even considered it at all. i deleted all the emails that came in trying to encourage students to go on SEP.

but suddenly, i just feel like i want to go and experience and see the world.

but then again, i'm very scared.

in the very very first place...... I DON'T EVEN DARE TO SLEEP ALONE. until today, i'm still moving from my parents' room to my brother's room begging them to let me sleep in their room.

i really don't dare to sleep alone. maybe it's partly habitual already but i really don't dare to sleep alone. when i'm alone in the dark, i cannot sleep at all. my mind will just keep racing and i will get very scared. i'm almost paranoid!

so if i do go, how?? i don't even dare to sleep alone!

actually, this is my main fundamental worry la. i know, it might sound really retarded to most of you who sleep alone.

but it's really a problem for me. i really cannot sleep alone.

i'm seriously (and i mean, VERY seriously) ready to NOT sleep alone... all the way til i get married.. then i'll get to sleep with my husband (sounds wrong).. but ya, i just don't want and cannot sleep alone.

my mum keeps asking if i've done a lot of bad things or what. why i'm so afraid.

i haven't done a lot of bad things, that's for sure. but i just don't dare to sleep alone la. don't ask me why.

actually, i'm very worried. My brother is going NS soon! Next year! Then how???? Who am i going to sleep with?

i think i need to go see a shrink man. i need to overcome this phobia.
it's a stupid phobia. phobia of sleeping alone. i'm not really scared of the dark la.... oh wait, actually i am... i'm scared of being alone in the dark which is equivalent to sleeping alone (in the dark)..

that day, i had to participate in this psyche experiment thing... usually for these experiments that we have to participate in and earn participation points, all we do is like answer questionaires and stuff to help in the research work of the seniors...

but that day.. wah piang... i went for this one and i was like the only participant..

and the senior explained to me that ya, i have to look at the computer screen and answer some questions... and then, after a while, she said:

"Okay, so you understand how to do the task ya? Continue with it. I'm going to leave the room now. Once you're done, you may come out."

And then guess what.

She left and she TURNED OFF the LIGHTS!!!???!!

(*&@%5E$#@$@

wah piang!!! people scared of the dark you know!! If you must off the lights then you must ask me first what???!!!! Or at least state in the instructions that you are going to leave me alone in a dark room right??!?!

If you had written that this was going to happen, i wouldn't have signed up for this experiment!!!!!!

walau.

so i gulped and just continued with the task... kept looking around in a paranoid manner... so dark so quiet... stupid questions never ending.. my heart was really thumping away so quickly.. just freaking scared!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when i came out, i was like.. finally.

i wanted to tell her that "Actually, you should have told me you were going to leave me alone in a dark room! If you had, i would have told you i wanted to withdraw from the experiment (Participants in psyche experiments have the right to withdraw at any point when they feel uncomfortable)..."

But then i didn't la... cuz she was busy explaining to another girl the same task... and leading her into the same scary and eerie and creepy dark dark dark room....... wish her good luck... bbbbrrrrr.....*shivers*....